two girls crying over smiling cake

when u find urself indulging in cheesecake last nite and again in the morning
and maybe craving for some in the afternoon to come and maybe as dessert for later tonite
while u are in some immense dieting mode
then maybe
and very likely
u r in denial of all the pain inside

suddenly the Ocean cocktail stings my heart like some overloaded grey goose
when she told me with tears framed in her eyes
"he said he didn't love me no more"
if some words like this some swords like that can break a listener's heart
i dont even want to pretend i could saviour her silent bleeding
maybe its different but very indifferent in some way
believe me when i say what more can be said and done
two girls seeking answers in some blueberry cheesecake

didn't they tell us to smile and laugh like there's no tomorrow
no they didn't tell us all the cheesecake's not the reason but the remedy
how can they actually say it's just not the right time
and not realise it never had been and never will be

why are there two girls crying over smiling cakes

spare the interrogation. spare the fuss
every being is wounded one way or the other.

someone patch up my rare wounds

don't shed no more tears. it's killing me.


A man. A child. Some Love. a Pinch of Hope

Then he placed the doll back in its tiny house and looked her in the eye

His gaze embraced her tightly as if her every movement of hers mesmerises him like the first laugh first cry first step

I’ll never know whether she returned his gaze in the same way, I’m privileged enough only to appreciate her silhouette

But everytime she moved a doll placed it on its petite bed she looks up at him

And gave him the angelic smile

Which, I doubt, if doesn’t melt every heart, would at least one

They never touched

It was either she who showed off the doll’s routine lifestyle, or him pretending to imitate, yet failing at every attempt to mimic the gentleness of his little precious

There they sat, in the middle of all the shoppers, boarding announcements, people frustrated by gate numbers boarding time

There they sat in this little heaven of their own, waiting for the angel of their lives to return, all the while treasuring every second of bliss in thee Eden gardens

Who says a heaven isn’t complete without apples

I say all it takes is a girl a boy some love and a bunch of hope

For that angel to return

written: 2:25 p.m sapporo airport

P.S. this is the teeniest effort i've placed in a blog post. took me literally one second to Ctrl+X then Ctrl+V everything from word to the world wide web. don't even start pointing the finger at my laziness. blame the MIA wifi in nihon's domestic airport.


updated (via sapporo, Japan.)

they call it a getaway for a reason
the run to nihon is ususally an excuse for pro-longed shoe-hunting bags yearning and fake braids spying
who cares abt the fugly unreasonable inexplicable exchange rates yeh?

i usually dont prefer to reminisce the new post icon when its an hr ahead here and knowing theres more shop-till-i-drop in the days to come
but please someone fix my i-m-so-tired-but-i-couldnt-sleep
trust me, nth can be worse than staying awake sober when everyone is getting high in their own dreams

maybe i just want the sad post below to sink a little lower
a little further
and not self-prioritize itself like the sweet memories and the hazardous pain
please let me sleep in this mess of wounds and wake up to a valley of sushi boulevard of clogs

even the japanese skies are crying


"you promise we'll never come back?" " i promise."

when u find yourself wandering alone on a peopleless road at 1 in the morning smelling the hatred of knowing someone u once loved loved someone else seeing only teary trees wishing oh-if-only-someone-could-lift-the-weight-from-my-heart wondering if last year had been anything more than some mistakes and heartaches
then out in that nowhere
it surprises even the myself when all i can think of is this
the blog
the words
the silent written revenge
or maybe, better put, the long-due confession

why did i hear my own sobs felt my own tears when i heard that he almost kissed her the other night
its so predictable its almost what would and should have happened
its either him kissing someone or me falling into others embrace
its always just a game of who-gets-there-first
but as i tried to relate the spoken news into unseen reality
i felt these foreign waves of pain
washing out all other emotions on the inside
it started from the toes to the head
then came the cold limbs
the pounding sense of hunger
and an appetite bloated with mistakes regrets

it always begins with the pain
the pain from the loss and not-found
then almost immediately anger finds its place with the waterfall of tears
the rage of falling victim to believing oh so foolishly
that words like you-are-the-girl-of-my-dreams still exist
the anger of not knowing the formula of forgetting
instead got scratched and torn and wounded for merely believing for one more time its right to hold on and not let go
the worst part u wana know wut the worst part is
it is when all the answers to the questions directed themselves to the founder
it is exactly like how the needle of a compass always points to the north
the worst part is when u realise
u are north
u are the voices in ur head
u are the one who hoped who got urself hurt who fall head over heels for the wrong person

i need no are-u-okays. i need no miracles. i need no other shoulder no other helping hand
this time i need to pick myself up
replay the pain and remember it
remember the price i have to pay everytime i fall for another fairytale
the reason why no one deserves to be too happy
and no one too sad

for once fatigue became the best remedy
i wonder if it meant anything
if i meant anything
if everything meant anything
and the crumpled note was left unread
amongst the bushes where we once sneaked out
if only u got my words
if only it would make a difference

its best to say ciao when u know something just doesnt deserve forever


Dear you,

on certain days when your head's going in circles after immense overly-repeated parking and u-turns
when summer heat's closing up on you like some sweaty panting guy unconscious of his bad breath
thats the time when i'd crave for a little romance off the paperbacks
and some left-over sushi that sat awaiting in the fridge
never losing its cool

when i come to think of it
i'd forgotten the last time some stranger's words brings a smile
as my eyes began jogging along the Savannahs the conversations the "I"s
my other senses came alive as well
some he-looks-her-in-the-eyes formed as vividly as reality in my head
i wondered whats the "her hair smelled like strawberries" scent all about
there would be a sudden "aww" outloud
or a silent tear which forms a darker shade of yellow on the coarse paper before i even realise
all the while i sat, in bear's embrace
the words stirring up memories
of some man i once loved now hated
of some boy i once thought i liked and still secretly does
of some someone in the future who would bring the same smile same frown same tears
as nicholas sparks had with his words

who needs a hug when we've been rocking in beary embrace
who needs a kiss when words like his nudges our heart
who needs the arm round your waist if it fades as soon as it untwines
i need only the words that takes me to the very beginning
and make every moment last

keeping the idyllic sunday afternoon to myself
with the remaining bite of camembert and a spark of romance

oh and only if i could rest in his embrace
pretending for a moment that it would last forever



sunblocks, swimpants

it surprises me how the littlest thing brings back the fondest of memories
this time they are sunblocks
how i used to turn to beach towels bikini and sunblocks
on my most frustrated days with biology test econ IAs and chinese essays due first day of a tormenting week ahead
how i used to find immediate content in whipping all standing sunblocks on the shelf
grabbing my speakers before dashing out into the alluring blue skies smiling sun
running into martin round the bend.
him and his red swimpants.
we'd skip along the shades fallen leaves soft warm rays
until we rid the clingy heat by throwing ourselves into emerald waters
as the sun sets in it would be all giggles splashes you-race-me-to-the-other-end
almost everytime i'd make him get us diet coke
sometimes i'd hint at the desire for honey mustard pretzel pieces
we'd fight a little tease a little laugh a little
but in the end i always get my pretzel pieces

on other days when the sun decided on a sweet short visit
the fact that we're wet both inside and outside the waters always amuses us
we'd dance in the drizzle, pretending the world's an ocean and we're never going to leave it
we'll always be fishes in the water
and nobody can take our breath away

i used to teach him my proud tanning routine
starting with pre-tan sunblock, followed by tanning sunblock, ending with post-tan lotion
the idea of carrying bottles of sunblock annoys him
to him
its always just red swimpants.

before i met martin i swim for seconds instead of the sun
its always only about how to beat the clock beat my peers beat myself
its never about the sun

i am surprised he remembered all the sunblocks
i am amazed how i've never forgotten his red swimpants
i learnt that some memories just disapper
others come back for random catch-ups

today's the sunblocks and red swimpants
i secretly wish that this time
they'll stay


Nothing is all i know

initally i'd like to splatter angry bitter depressing words upon this innocent white canavas
i didnt know what exactly but SOMETHING pulled me back
is it the fading rebellion or the weary of revenge
or the inadequacy of words or the confusion of feelings
is it because patience replaced self-pity as days goes by as i grew up
or maybe its just because things that used to rule my world doesn't seem to matter anymore

so i gave up all the hoping expecting perfecting beliving
traded them for immunity towards disappointment frustration revenge self-pity
but today i spotted
this tiny crack on my wall of belief
oh and i actually thought it could endure the hurricane of dismissal

a tear fell somewhere down the abyss of heartaches
but so lightly it failed to wake the ripples

i'd like to believe
that for the past 17 years of every 365 days
i'd work to the best of my ability to make HIM proud, to be his pride.
yet his modest appreciation lavish disapprovals stirred up storms that shook raged shattered my ego confidence and the fragile relationship between us
everyday i looked into his eyes i saw only the reflection of imperfection
theres always something i did wrong
something i need to ammend
some punctuality i'd like to learn
some manners i'd failed to pick up
some past i'd never understand
some stupidity that defines an eighteen-year-old girl in the eyes of the father

theres always some questions i'd like to ask some answers that never manage to fill the gap
am i not good enough not even for once?
if you want a saint as the daughter can you just tell me what else i could have done
is it a new sin to eat cereal in the morning and not go to bed before midnite
would it be better if i just shut up and you do the lecturing
is it my fault that i know less about the world out there than you do
just because you've survived the second world war right before i was born

he asked if i'd like to share cheese in the fridge
i'd want to belive he'd actually liked cheese
i pretend i didn't think he cared
even cheese can't stop the bleeding


CAUTION: Memory Overload

should be googling away dubai/deauville out there somewhere in south of france (correct me if not.)
or the breadwinner is going to declare the official 11th trip to nihon.
from the look of it
sister's bf's right; should have bought the land next to airport.
let go of that chinese pride and admit we've long succumbed to Japanese meatless food ahmazing GPS and singing toilets

why though hell of exam's over and done with heaven's still stuffed with to-dos?
dear john checked. room rearranging checked. stop lamenting over the MIA mr right checked. never let time decide the end of the day aka sleep at 4 checked. read year 2's credits/ course syllabus checked. see TLF checked. shop til i drop CHECKED. CHECK-ing. UNCHECKING again.
better leave that as a permanent #nowdoing

back to room arranging. took a little longer than expected.
an entire 4 hours of sorting out papers labelling tossing this and that into the overflowing bin aww-ing waa-ing at the archive of cert past papers swearing over and over that the collection's comparable to any local bookstore's
for hours i found meself swimming in thermoregulation alkenes vectors locus new testament horrifying english incomprehensible chinese
wondering what else happened within the last 3 years of highschool except the bonds the words the numbers
then, despite reluctance pulling slightly at the sleeves of me heart,
my hands worked away -tied cut labelled. the awe of hand-made mass production
there. 4 years straightened out packed away topped with cute nylon ribbons
awkward spaciousness' all that was left
adding into the leftovers a little back-ache and bleeding fingers

didn't I say it hurts to forget?

at least now i wont be killed by my own memory landslide
they say pay $139 per month for unlimited internet access
i say i'll pay everything for unlimited memory storage
the truth is
you get charged for overuse without being told
you pay your life for memory overload

i'll pack away.
lets just hope the rest stays forever. somewhere. out there.

they came in a tangle, leave as pretty petite gifts

an army of emptiness


aint that mister mister on the radio, stereo...

silly dancing singing-alongs while youtube chants out the bubbly chorus
"aint that mister mister on the radio, stereo..."
we swayed we turned twirled a little fly rocket high and landed softly on our giggles
wishing if we could just be a little taller a little lighter a little younger
if only the first hey follows the last night without hesitation
then we can wish on dream on go on
with life.

mister bf and sister mum and I
sat face-to-face twitching iching switching glances
let the egg benedicts the macaronis and salmon speak
give us a minute to find the right words the right dent on the couch the right smile
BOUTIQUE BOULEVARD flashed uninterestingly overshadowed by lavander's flirt
"hey there finish the macaronis" "too much eggs. eat that for me"
mum giggled.
i laughed.
she blushed.
he ate.
i never had the chance to find out where the boulevard actually is.

he fidgeted all the time as mum put on her heels. the black book of playingcards in his embrace.
i skipped guiltily down the stairs. 5 minutes late. per usual.
I entered the lift. he joined the silence. impatience is suffocating.
"those cards. you bring them with u all the time. like a personalized bible "
"its essential. when you play you need to know your cards."
the universe of boy games' an abyss. esp the brother's.

i should stick to feelings but not facts
usually words come naturally as i search within my heart
but this time i spotted complications. facts presented themselves more adequately so.
no judgements. no ratio decidendis.
this time i only want to remember the facts and facts only.

for love. for family. for ever


Let the feast begin

often when theres too much living and too little thinking WORDS tend to find themselves a hideout by keeping out of the inviting white space called new posts
i hope this is a fair reason for the inexplicable incident of the missing updates
of mind of flesh and everything else

given the self-delegated obligation to dig up something new...
i have to say i always find the most eventful hours of my life the most uninspiring ones
when theres too many a cluster of minds me thoughts tend to black out like an overloaded fuse
Poof. just like that
let them do the talking. the bluffing. the hypocrit-ing
leave me alone with food- the rosso the cambert the butter crisps the raisin cookies caviar apple crumbles
at least tastebuds stick to truths without throwing tandrums
sometimes alphabets are too deceiving words are too incompetent emotions takeover
...thus let the feast begin

food are friends for life

did i tell you your smile taste like sugar overload?

dont let my rainbow illusions confuse you grandma's tastebuds

dear souffle why do you always have to melt without saying ciao

the only remains of the feast

berries best served frozen with yoghurt

a fiesta begins with one macaroon

often ends with knutsford's cake of cheese

when they say cheese they just want your smile

caution: not edible but waxing at W is FIESTA!

p.s. and i did begin this post with a ralph lauren mac zara haul in mind. see why the saying goes :

"follow your heart. our brain always screws things up"


Labelled: 100 % Zoomed out.

i miss my words.
the unanimously graceful times new roman the standard black and white the irregular spaces filling in the gap of my thoughts the long and short running lines aligning my feelings my breath my life
it took my breath away every time when i realise
how intangible my feelings can be converted to tangible-ness through mere 26 alphabets
its like a function(x) =y
but this time the equation is lurking mischievously in the shadows
never knowing when it will pay a visit
yet everytime it did, it left me mesmerized
no i didn't write the words
the words write my feelings
since our incompetent human mind discriminates against sweet meaningful memories
and tends to accommodate summer sale dates and new tom ford rouges "with prejudice"
i'd very much like to do a little justice by appointing meself the position of secretary
so don't be surprised if you find me blogging away behind the little black device of a notebook
just imagine a little "busy translating life into words. brb" notice hovering a little above the illuminated screen
and delight yourself with some other much more interesting things in life.

zooming back into life.
did i ever mention this whole idea of organizing my thoughts by adopting the most authentic photographic system
just focus on the trees. okay maybe not THE TREES for you if you are not using a sony anymore. its the zoom in/out button
so for now i'd like to equate ZOOM OUT with actual happenings in my everyday life
which i can already foresee taking a mere 30% of daily new posts as i have a certain habit of wandering and getting lost
and equate the ZOOM OUT button with thoughts lost in the clouds thoughts i couldn't categorize thoughts that just come to my mind labelled UNIQUE.
there. i spared you the unnecessary time of swimming in my immense sea of words
trust me. it's not fair to keep your life waiting out there for mere times new roman.
esp not mine.

so chau to get-to-the-point frustration...

p.s: Ha. there goes the title.


...today's the day

too much in my head i need time time a little sleep maybe more sleep to figure out whats THE THING i wanted to focus on here
today heaven took a home run and hell is watching fearfully from below
todays the day when you wake up dreading its happening
but before panic manage to clear the delusion in your eyes
you find yourself smiling proudly at the 14-page essay-ish product like a mother gazing at her newborn babe
wondering why when how did all this happen
as the pens went down my freshman year tucked itself happily away under the forever incomprehensible ordinances the Solle v Butcher the Great Peace the Krell v Henry the Herne Bay v Hutton
i never imagined contract could one day top my fav-courses list
NEVER. but it did.
so never judge life and anything in it by intuition
u may always end up holding on to the very thing you hate
or are we just addicted to torment

...and it all goes back to those marni clogs as they cling on a little-too-hard to my flesh screaming TAKE ME HOME
yet left me all starstuck and so flyy

...this time i stepped down (amazing). said a little chau to the last red kiss that left burning on me ankles and walked away lightly happily with candy pink repetto

...todays the day when we're all just too sick of heartaches headaches
...todays the day when we just want to skip lightly along
and return to the beginning
when we can still laugh like its forever without vogue embarassment marnis pride

chau to vanity. all we need is a way back into LOVE

Thou art to me a delicious torment.

woke up at 3 and and there's nth in my head
then the throbbing and yawning hit so foreseeably
subconsciously, my hands ruffled though the highlighters and yellow sheets the unread notes
so i scrabbled thought highlighted read non-stop for another hour
prided myself with 4 full yellow sheets of notes on remedies.
then the frustration hit when the pile of unread notes still stood. undefeated.
remedies down. mistake misrep duress undue influence to go??
too much for a girl who woke up for contract at 3
flopped down for a raison cookie (or maybe 3..or more)
until i satisfied meself that revenge on contract had been taken
u can take away my sleep and happy dreams yes
but no not my appetite and my words
yet am confused whether its the fear of not knowing answers to contract questions
or the fear of letting the past week go to waste
or both
or maybe its just the yellow notes flashing "GUILT" before me eyes
that made me sulkily return to the highlighters and speed scanning

one hour left.

as for the title... i will leave it to THE quotes

yeah they were all yellow



A girl in a white dress

i have approximately 4 mintues to write starting NOW
sorry dont wana sound like a secret agent on a mission but em rather a student with her exam due in 2 hrs with loads of unread material awaiting
i'd like to write if not everything SOMETHING about last nite
dont want to let the thought slip past like all the dreams u wake up forgetting
last nite.
I ENVISIONED MY FUTURE WEDDING. (you may at this point go click on another url thinking duh thats wut all girls do after watching too much chickflicks)
but i saw in my mind ALL THE DETAILS
i think critical thinking made me mad.

if my memory didn't fail me
i had this DAY replay in my head, with my mind as the camera zooming into the forget-me-nots, the little unique quotes on the flip side of every invitation the scrabble that spelt "just married"
and occasionally my mind would do the zooming-out
where i see the white tents on my roof top, way-back-into-love and some katy perry singing out the romance, and me in _______ wedding dress (sorry i did not go into that) walking up the stairs that lead to my rooftop, through the glassdoors under the beloved gaze of my beloved family and friends
and the evening will begin with some how-we-met and some light funny stories explaining the reason for choosing my own place as the wedding venue's to make every part of me past witness me future. when its time to go into the core of the speech:
that this is not merely my special day, but a special day for all my special guests
the ones who witnessed my growth and my being with love held me when i fall been there for me when i stand up all over again. today's the day when they can finally call it a day
as their task of looking after this little frivolous girl is being passed on to the most unfortunate man on earth
thus the reason to celebrate :D
towards the end of speech..
"look around and recall all the memories we had around this place. and todays the day when more's to come to enrich to fulfil to inject love into each and every one of our lives. Please make yourself at home"
as the sunset melted the "now the groom may kiss the bride",
the guest will descend down the flight of golden stairs make their way towards the ground floor
where they will find a splendid but modest feast awaiting them on the long tables
with their seatings labelled by invitations
THE INVITATIONS (the most important detail of the day)
will either be in creamy white or baby pink
with each individual guest's name printed in grey cursive
and on the flip side,
an individual my-fav quote printed in black.
wishing that they not only bring home memorizing memories which may fade by day
but also the printed words that will help them throughout life, the way each and everyone of them helped me throughout mine
back to FOOD.
cheese, parma ham, salmon as starters, followed with cheese fondue and a little greek salad and foie gras, then the main-course of your choice (this i will save for the discretion of my to-be-husband. sorry honey but lets stick to MY PLAN for the rest) and dessert comes with blueberry cheese cake bread pudding, a little (ew i hate) chocolate for my sister (she loves them) and all souffle with stawberry sauce. (no chocolate this time to ruin the day)
and after the guests devoured the romance the food and all my favs
THE AFTERPARTY will be waiting, alluring
in the first floor with a rented DJ for the night
and i say... a little red wine white wine gin and tonic ( nononoNO Beer)
we'll get out of our smart frocks and tutus and black ties
and dance like we are fifteen
then as night closes in and dawn finds its way towards the windowsill
we'll see the guests off one-by-one
by this time I will disclose his special present
take him by his hand and lead him towards the only-lit room on the second floor
as i close the door the flicker of candles will be the only light
and we'll snuggle in
and cherish the remaining bits and pieces of the beautiful debris
and hold on-to each other
into the newly-wed days to come.
i replayed this twice every single bit of it and added a few more detail here and there
the secretly planned wedding

opps. 20 min past eleven. that gives me less than an hour for my pre-exam prep
see why i can never make meself a secret agent
but please keep this a secret between us
and sshhhh
till we meet the HE in our lives


The present is a gift for a reason

did you ever find yourself reminiscing about the tomorrows
as illogical as it may sound
I swear we all did at least once. or almost once every end of the year
esp around this time when we find ourselves dealing with cert examination finale last year of IB final moments of college and always ( too emotionally carried away) found ourselves making a great deal out of the remaining minutes of youth of fun of i-dont-give-a-sh** ness
the above rang some bells.
it was me at my graduating nite. me last summer saying endless ciao s to people i thought would just walk out of my life there and then
and here comes that special time of the year again
when i felt nostalgia tapping on my shoulder
making me turn round and look back on all the happy tears the deepest hugs the fear of letting go the almost-certain feeling that the happiest days are beyond us
at this point i cant help hiding the little giggle

awwww t'was such a little girl.

a friend once swore she would do everything to hold on to the simplest of days
and will do everything not to let the filth of growing up contaminate the purest of hearts
there and then she befriended nostalgia
me too got to spend a little more time with the n-word than i shd hv
and then i discovered the pain of living in the past
and the cowardice of fearing the stumbles and falls out there in the unknown.

quote the present is a gift for a reason quote.

and i have it written down all over my heart.
it gave me answers i need.
why give up the present to mourn over the dead grandmother the ex-bfs the mistakes the memories
when i have a frivolous life to live before me

....all this began when i start reminiscing about the fact that my freshman year will end in 2 days
and the downside is i'm celebrating it with critical thinking and contract finals due consecutively
i guess its obvious

sorry nostalgia. maybe another day.


Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself

hmm,, today is not a good new-post day.
so apparently i was allured to the NEW POST button without anything interesting enuf inducing me to do so.
how interesting can a day with contract be anyways
the most writable thing i can account for
takes me back to the afternoon when i dreamt away with colbie caillat's the little things lullabying in the background. the humidity found its way in again and i woke up feeling like my head's pregnant
so i sat vis-a-vis with the huge mindy and burrows and (thankfully) my dearest computer, offering me a handy escape into THE RIGHT WORLD where i'll foreseeably twitter blog facebook away happily-and-ever-after
so for 5 hrs straight i was false imprisoned with contract trying to see eye to eye with the uncomprehendable
tbh...i am actually quite satisfied with my progress. so far expect the fact that i downed too much maraconi as my attention was diverted to the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
(usually it doesn't happen. usually i payso much attention to my food these days i notice the slightest lack of salt here and a little too much soba there)
and did i mention t'was the first post i made during my bathmoments?
its not a good attempt. bubbles kept blocking my vision like they want me to focus on the feeling and not the typing.
and i'll surrender to the fluffy mashmallows for now,


People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them


Are you living it right?

the ahmazing day began with an egg white omlette wrapped round avocado and cheese
followed by a little flirting with baby pink manicure and matte blue pedi
orgasming with oh-i-die foot treatment
sashimi salad and a few more pieces of sushi giving THE BEST after-cuddle
then diving right into roundtwo as we check out the new BABY

awwww if today could just freeze itself
and replay and replay i would be living in heaven.
i'd like to add a little movie here and bath there and a little more shoehunting everywhere
so its not THE PERFECT day. but defo an almost-perfect one.

sorry for the nonsense up there but i'd very much like to remember the day when i was supposed to be grounded with contract
but ended up checking everything in the lust list
except contract.
(it doesnt make sense i know since contract never did and never can make itself to the lust list)
i'm now building another list
a to-meet list of people. have been flirting with my pc for too long i think its getting tired of me given that its mind started to wander and its efficiency falling to minimal.
they say technology is the new weapon.
i say they are the most egoistic creature the earth has ever come across

i gotta feeling that today shd be contract-free
what u say. a nap? a nap should defo clear nonsense out of my head
and bring back a super-efficient contract-flipping chau.
where's the button you press to change tobie maguire into spiderman
the secret basement where tony stark became ironman
tell me how can i become contractwoman
for the sake of saving the world from frustration mistake unconscionably
and do some paper-work justice

lets just hope the nap does it magic.


The Dare of Diesel

its impossible not to have caught up with a diesel's smart and stupid quote
its here and there and everywhere
and this time i will try to tie my hands down
and let the pictures speak thy words.
and here u go

my fav. eyegasm

Another trip

ciao tort. there. done for life.
within 3 hrs i transformed meself into a novel writer
prolific-ly (ahhh such a rare word i never have the chance to come across these days), gracefully wrote 14 pages of dont-worry-your-husband's-dead-for-good-now-u-got-to-replace-him-with-$
scrabbled endlessly like i'm born to do this.
nahh sorry the ambulance's late yeah..latent defect (nahh bad bad defence. accidents always have a cause. and the guilt lies in those with big pockets)...duhh he would have died anyways delay or not.
such a cruel fair world.

felt guilt creep over me for sleeping a little 3 hrs later than promised....
tried ridding it by spoiling meself with a little salmon parmaham and ravioli
trust me. it ALWAYS does the magic
the fatigue wears off. JUST LIKE THAT
discovered a little honey-scented gift-set by lush..with all the ma bars the honey i washed the kids and my-april-fav honey bunnn
i swear im doing a review on it. the bath bombs'....(trying to find a b word)

today between the cheese crackers and breadpudding
something stirred in me mind and mum's always the one with answers
"when do you know if he's the right one"
"you never know. "
"how did you know dad's the right one"
"i never knew.i won't know. but for now he's just the right one"
so circular. so begging the question. so straight from the heart

i want answers.
i want to make sure what im doing now im doing right.
when i start to question, i start to get confused, i go into the why saga
and always end up torn and broken when i found out the things i was ever so fond of turned out
like this cheese
indifferent. tasteless. but once i was mistaken it was gold fallen from heaven

do i like sweet pink floral things because i like sweet pink floral things or because i hate bitter grey polkadots?
did mum like dad because she liked him or because she hate being childless at 30?
do we like what we like or do we like sth because we hate the contraries?
and then i realise
sweet pink floral things goes best with bitter grey polkadots.
(per colour theme)

gracious hatred. for letting us know what we want in life.

.....movie or bath? or both? i think i deserve a quick nap afterwards
there you go. too little time too much awaiting

chau as she skips happily into the bubbles taking another trip into...life.


Blend in.Let the rest stand out.

leave it to the professionals.
how i hate the sound of ego
it's comparable to my hatred ( i always try to avoid the word cause i dont really hate the way the word is interpreted by the norm. i prefer "rather not" than the extremist. okay. i'm officially replacing it with confusion") towards the legal system, legislations, rules, norms, expectations of what you should and shouldn't do.
basically the very thing i got myself into. LAW.
no labels. no stereo-types. globalization.
all these big words.
but i believe in them all. shamelessly. (maybe not globalization in its contextual meaning.)
was doing everthing i can to avoid the huge tort book beside moi
with the purple post-it and its unchecked list scornfully reflecting my un-prolificness.
finish remedies for trespass tort, damages for personal injury, liability of an employer, occupier and it goes on forever.

so i did the undo-able. blog when ur bored

"models or celebrities for fashion ads?"
the first line brings in the confusion.
"leave it to the professionals"
then the whole piece justifies its conclusion with premises like Lagerfield's no ones better than Freja Beha Erichsen and Anja Rubik for having the right look and class
and Frida Giannini's preference of a strong, generic face that’s not related to any world — and certainly not one related to MTV or Hollywood

so the professions say a good photoshoot is a portrait.
the person blends in and let the clothes work its magic. and work the magic off the clothes as well.
celebrities overshadows the clothes. they appear way too many times on ok, hello and cosmo. no. they still want the clothes in the limelight in voguee.

this time i prefer to state out the premises. and not give any conclusion
i'm tired of the critical thinking process i've been slaving over for the entire week.
when people claim that ohhh i like this ewww hate that. they claim they have personality
if its so. I am a girl without personality.
i know what i want when i see them. like those toryburch and jeffrey campbells and coldplay and the sun awaiting outside the windowsill. hoping its entry won't constitute trespass. and the smell of fresh green grass.
but i dont despise things thats not-theabove. i don't believe in false dilemma.
i don't believe my dream has to come in expense of yours
i prefer to walk out of the picture
pretend that i blended in. and look from beyond.
they say models are preferred since they are generic. they don't belong to any world.
no they do. to the professional world of models.
speaking of which its a professional making the claim. duh.
accept it. we belong to A WORLD. don't pretend we are the new element.
(obviously obsessed with iron man)
but accept the genus and bring in the differentia.
let your uniqueness stand out from the rest of which you belong to
define your life as accurately as can be
spare the ambiguity.

ciao to the egoist and bitches in moi. blend in. and let the rest stand out.


we'll only fall amongst the stars.

then i was bathing in the sunflower fragrance from kiehls shampoo and enjoying me morning showers
hoping that the warm oozing water can wash away the fatigue and guilt from staying up a little too late last night
(i pledged that i'll tuck meself under the covers NO LATER THAN 12. i DID. for one night?)
the morning music made me think: maybe i'll write about the music tdy
yeh. then i started to make an imaginery list of music i like in my head:
james blunt, this love, john mayer, sitting waiting wishing...no i cant forgive myself for leaving out cold play.. a little taylor swift will do too
and it kept going on..and on
until i realise its going nowhere and this little long list have to wait
theres something more interesting that i'd very much like to prioritize
so ciao to pop artists, make way for life.

you know all those cliche thought-of-the-day you see at starbucks everyday
u wont be surpised when u read, for the thousandth time:
"reach for the moon, you'll only fall amongst the stars"
i cant remember the last time i did something fearlessly
even the most amazing thing i did, going to uni interviews,telling my crush i liked him
all these i did with my heart shaking
i feared. what exactly?
i guess i fear the fall. the fear of not landing amongst the stars
but somewhere into the deep unknown
when you're fifteen, the only thing you fear is being told by someone you loved they dont feel the same for you
that your parents dont ]talk during dinner anymore
that your sister drunk called you and didn't come home until dawn
that you fail your finals
maybe i'm so young and nothing much get to go wrong in life
i fear "the first time"s

been there. done that. is all they say.
when days slip past you find fewer first times and more second, third, fourth..i-forgot-how-many times
and you start to feel fearless
u've fell. u've cried. u came to realise. u pick yourself up and walk back into life. wondering when your tears will come for a visit agen. wondering why things that used to break you no longer matter
you became fearless.
the week to come is hurling pressure at me like a bully watching a kid drown in fear
but this time you are not the bully. i am not anymore the kid.

ciao fear, cause we are meant to fall lightly amongst the stars

reaching up for the babyblue the mashmallows and their sweet confused mind

the way home

why its you baby rolling into my way

and will do it fearlessly. as i promised.