10.28.2010

my quarantine

a day ago
i thought l-o-v-e should be spelt p-a-i-n
so i cried
and cried
and cried
until my heart tell me
it hurt enough
now you deserved it

a day later
i realise l-o-v-e is spelt m-e
it doesnt take two to love
it takes a big heart
some 6 year-old's eyes
legs thats strong enough to pick one up after a fall
and arms to carry the world

maybe one day you'd change the rules of the game
without me knowing
i'd be thankful for the silence you've chosen
i never really see the need to waste words
to sugar-coat a beautiful truth
if you don't love me no more
i promise
i will be happy because you did.


they say it come and goes
sometimes like a ninja sometimes a whirlwind
sometimes you turn my world upside down
everytime
i have to turn myself downside up to make it all right
or i'll drown in my own pain
this time
there's no right side
theres only time and space
so u and i can create
a new dimension


i told natalie over bbm
i'm happy because you are. for the first and very first time in my life
i can stand on my own
on my own
then i realise
there are still many first times
first time i learn to smile
when my mother told me with tears in her eyes "gona spend more time with grandma aye?"
first time i feel physical pain
taking off my earring
first time i feel
like i'm being myself again


i thought i'd lost myself
in time
the day i stepped into claridges
wheres home
wheres everything that helped spelt s-a-f-e in my world?

with she gone he gone they left she fell in love he fell out of love he went to court i went to work
she dropped out of school we cried because of school we missed highschool she hated highschool mum cried dad hide i loved he drank we smoked we kissed i said fuck u you said u too i said morning he got tired of this i waited he advised i smiled he smiled

if i can objectify how being 19 should be
it should be madness
with a tint of strawberry smile
this is where he said

"underneath the smoky eyes, always give yourself a blend of roman holiday and little darling"

10.27.2010

today, i refused to grow up.

today, i called in sick at work
because taylor swift told me not to grow up
and that 19 is not too young to be messed with.
today i am being 18 again
and god it felt so. so good.

singing-a-long to some speaknow in the car
complimented criticized some wrongly priced rightly placed motorbike jacket
touched the oh-my-gwad 3.1 philliplim clog
and decided its better-off stepping down for the winter
otherwise
some jap had a happy time showering me with colours
and the roman holiday with moon fleet caught my heart like your eyes did
looking like some bruised eye princess
and danced danced twirled off for a piece of redbean tofu cake
the lime tart taste better without the lime
oopps and doops and we piqued back into the car
had an enthralling convo over whos righter
the guy who dumped her or her who left him
who cares. we all make mistakes. we all lived.

so who says we need to profit some frigging airline to feel fly
i did today
with only two bruised eyes.




video

10.26.2010

maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame

weird typing away in an outbox, writing an email wondering who the recipient should be
that lonely huh?
yup. that alone.
wrote 2 emails which were supposedly blog material.
thankyou office for blocking blog.
working in a law firm learning about freedom of speech no?

sometimes all i wanted to do
is to fold myself up
curl, to become smaller and smaller
until i can be invincible to all the pain the rain the games the lies the hurt
or let them go by
without realising
they left a victim astray

i want to take photos with my eyes
with the most innocent lens
maybe blur the reality a little with a little too much tears

i want to bring a soundtrack into every step i take
from the moment i open my eyes straining against the morning sun
let the lyrics the tune the harmony embrace me
so that my soul can dance
even if my body cant

i want you to know i want the world to know
that being myself is not insanity
that growing up is pain
that i am not too young to be messed with

i want to love to beloved to understand
but where's your hand
in my memories it slipped away
or it may not have been there in the first place

i want john lennon's milk and honey
i want robbie williams shame
i want taylor swift's dear john
i want abby lee's peroxide hair
i want tommy the superman
i want an escape

everyone's telling me this is wrong
to want a gap year is wrong
to not study is wrong
to love is wrong
to dream is wrong
but, lemme tell you a secret. i think all of it is damn right.

tell me: are you my stem or my thorn

a picture's worth a thousand words.
today
i give you three.
but they still cant replace the
three words






































you know what i mean.


if only you do.

credits to weliveyoung




p.s. words. pictures. something's still missing no? yup, you're right. its taylorswift today.



video

10.23.2010

irreplacable.

something happened
some people met
some feelings understood
sometimes it amazes me
how
things fall into place
i hope, this time, i wont be replaced.

enough about life.
lets look at how Daniel Libeskind
and his house that fell on earth:


The House that Fell on Earth





the house that only comprise 2000sq feet with no square rooms.








its THE bedroom.








concept: a ribbon that creates, links the spaces


credits to W magazine art issue

10.21.2010

Connecting the dots

after two hours of needed sleep
i woke up realising
the answer to "whats the saddest fact"

the fact that
even if you are telling the truth
no one believes

(sorry, interrupted by yoga)

scenario one:
there was once when i failed my biology common test
i remember it was the year when i have to take my HKCEE
i took it pretty hard
never in my life had i been labelled FAILED with some numbers
(well except the time when i cried and cried because someone gave my jay chou concert seat away. that is truly AN EXCEPTION)
i remember deliberately holding my test paper at the edge
trying to hide the shame in between my fingers
then someone approached and asked me this ridiculous question
"how did you do?"
"bad. real bad"
"now u are really kidding me. your bad is my good"
that hurts a little more than the failed number.
but i let silence had its way


scenario 2:
i was talking to him one day
he asked me this ridiculous question
"how much do you love me"
" i love you"
"you didn't say it like you mean it"
" but i do mean it. why do i have to proof myself"
it breaks my heart, when he doesn't hear my words with his heart anymore


scenario 3:
we were talking, we have 10 minutes til the end of court break
critically discuss this statement:
"在寶馬內面哭, 好過坐在單車後面笑
he said
"there's one thing that is not in dispute: being in possession of money at least solves the problem of money itself"
i said
"money brings with it new headaches"
he said
"but food cannot bring hunger!"
i said
"but being bloated doesn't make one feel any better"
(10 minutes later. court is in session once again)
we went off with different values.
but i swear i'm telling the truth.


when i'm young,
there are two sorts of entertainment that helps kill time
1. colouring book
2. connecting the dots


today,
i am playing with the latter.

10.18.2010

wrong. so wrong

wuts wrong?
maybe i'm just too worn out
but it felt so much like last time
when it went wrong
when all of it went wrong

this time
i'll tell you wuts wrong
"why not? you can deal with civilized people"
she talked too much
i can only hear photocopiers
there's no input for earphones
im not using my own laptop
too many names i have to remember
the aircon's too cold
she made me eat chinese food
i am too spoilt


pauline told me she didn't like sherbourne at all at the beginning
now she's home after a month in the ukay
like nothing happened
is this 101 on how-to-pretend-nothing-happened?
but something inside me screamed
please write
please listen
please shut up

dammit
i always end up in the wrong space at the wrong time

10.17.2010

whoa.

life is a rollercoaster.
just the fact that
i've won enough money today
to render my new perfume free
proves everything
and i thought
sushi after brooklyn's finest's the treat of the week
looks like you never know
wut's around the bend
like a candy-floss coloured hat
fake congrats hearty embrace and a new acquaintance
enough light shed
lets eat crab.

10.15.2010

the contagious depression of a library

if everything that seem to persist will eventually become the norm
then i hope time can lend a hand
by speeding things up a little
so i can start calling
this empty space
life


sadly, it occurred to me that
there are merely two simple verbs
that fuelled us through time -

1. hoping

2. NOT thinking

when you start doing the reverse
aka START thinking START feeling
time always win by throwing tantrums
initially by refusing to walk, crawl, and eventually come to a halt.
it works a little like the moon and the earth
when you move it stayed, and you can only feel it moving when you stayed.


its a pity how emptiness became the norm
its a pity how much pity you receive when you actually feel like you are living for the first time
first love, first kiss, first sweet dream
they all say
don't love don't kiss don't dream
just live

tell me
please
am i moving or am i not
am i living for love or not living because i loved.

why are things so damn complicated.
it this the means or the end
does it matter?


some say
you'll grow numb to all the pain
but if pain is the north pole, i am its south
this may sound crazy but i can only feel my soul through cuts and bruises
and if theres this time and space where i feel comfortable in
i feel scared
that all this may end
that this is the dream
because they say you say we all know (even if we dont say)
that pain is a synonym of life

i remember this girl killing me softly through the phone
by uttering some ugly question
"where are my tears?"

girl i hate to see you cry
but please do so once in a while
so that i can still recognize you





video

10.13.2010

and then i go spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you

i feel like i'm going back there again
but this time
i will not fear my own cowardice
i wont succumb
wont let the dark days repeat themselves
if you care to open your windows
it still felt like summer
(thank you global warming)

my mother told me
"these days, there aren't many things to be happy about"
which lead me to think
what actually made me happy
"therefore, all i care about, is food." - she added
good point made - food never lie. its one of the very few things which never fail to offer you this instantaneous feeling of so-flyness.
for me, its like a brick of L'affineur cheese on a few slices of 5-grain wheat bread and an excessive cup of soy milk (sugarless, s'il vous plaît)

so everyday at 7 in the morning, my mother busied herself in the hustle and bustle of the local market, too much like a pollinating bee popping her brunette head in search of the best crabs from yeungsheng lake, the all-time-favourite bitter "ancient-gold-fish" (金古魚) (credits to google translate), the choi-sum that's in-season, sometimes substitute it with my fav dish: steamed eggplant with raisins. occasionally some tofu, or tomato pan-fried with egg.



my turn to give a little sneak peek into my daily eating habits.
oh, it's pretty simple actually.
usually for lunch i'll have homemade soba noodles with hokkaido imported soya sauce, a little wasabi and laver (紫菜). oops did i skip breakfast? breakfast will be a piece (or two) of soft raisin bread dipped in soy milk...(hmm just the sound of it excites me heehee) plus an apple/ blueberries alternatively.
dinner, well. as above.
after-dinner, we usually have fruits. my favourite? apple and bluberries. i hope you don't find it too surprising :)


my favourite dessert: HMMMM this is highly confidental




(but nevermind, nothing's too highly confidental these days with facebook and youtube all over the place)


so....
HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.
I DIE :)



see? food always make one feel dancy and fluttery and happy despite all the shit in life
of course,
accompanied by the right music.




so today, with wutever dish you are having now/later/in the evening (depending on your timezones and whereabouts)
i present you with your background music:

video





bon appetite.

p.s. i realise i placed the clip at the end of the post, which destroyed the entire aim of making you all feel happy reading about the post WITH the music.
i'd like you to chew on the words as if this is a new dish presented by chef de 'elen. WITH
la musique.

so. follow the following instructions:
1. click "play"
2. scroll to the top
3. chew on the words and taste the bonheur of life

Voilà

10.12.2010

I can't promise to heal you. But if you want to, I will try.

if you have to make me name my one imperfection
i'd tell u right away
its a pity i'm made up of tears

today, in between fishballs and tsuiwah, my world is flooded
with a few things. consecutively:
1. the truth
2. my truth
3. her truth

i remember vaguely there were a few names, a few mentioning of incidences
that never fail to blur the surroundings
something like the fact that
i never knew the kind of sport shoes my brother needed
the amount of time i kept my mum waiting in the dim light
the long long walk i had with dad in paris
the fact that i realise
he never knew
how i grew up in the past 18years


my mum always reassured me:
"he'd done everything a father should've done"
but if there's a little black book of love
i'd like to think theres nothing named "last but not least"
why?
why?
why didn't you even try
to talk to understand to allow yourself be vulnerable for once
i've told you and i'll tell you once again

don't be afraid when you see my tears
it just meant
i've chosen to be vulnerable so that i can still love

please
talk to me
talk to her
talk
before
we closed all doors.

讓我這樣吧

sometimes
i just want to spare some words
some melancholy some reminiscence some i dont understand
for some time
sometime
later


don't make me talk
don't rummage for my smile
when all i want
is to look

feel

to hide

disappear for a while

10.07.2010

my heart will wait.

do u sometimes find youself asking yourself :

"do i like ___?"



does it feel right?




for the past week, i have people telling me to wake up. but from what? (thank you for sending me a virtual text message/ more like a virutal sword through my hanging heart)

if i can be of control. i will. needs i can control. desire, wants, emotions. i can.

but my heart. i cannot.

i've spelt it out differently to different people. an addiction? an abuse? a wrong turn of fate? loneliness? give me a noun and i will replace all the above.

on the swings he silently killed the remains of my innocence.
he said it like its something i should be shamed of
or worse
i saw too much pity in his eyes
as if he's laughing at this drowning girl, gasping for breath, and letting her be.
knowing we all need to die once before we know.

know.
knowing.
one of the top 10 lectures from dad:
"don't even pretend you know what happened in those days"
i wish i knew
i really do.
if it can bridge the hole between us. i will do anything to fill the gap

tell me how to go back to 1939. and i will tell you how much i really know.

so i hold onto the belief,
that i have to know.
i'll give anything in exchange to understand
the brutality of mankind

on the swings, the pendulum of my conscience felt as heavy as the truth.
it swayed, it lingered
ignorance_________innocence___________knowing_________truth
where should i land
if i could never fly again


and then i found the answer
so stupid am i (as always)
it was right there
right in front of me
looking right back

it was in his eyes.


he was mocking. he was laughing. but his eyes were crying.
he was mourning
for he decided to never go back.

maybe everyone have to go through this once. him twice. thrice. too many times.
but not everyone ends up broken
i'll be the first one to fix myself
thank you for shedding light on the truth
but i'll rather not take your hand.

when your heart tells your mind to break itself
then let it be
if i have to believe in one thing and if its anything
it's that life wouldn't break itself

its' gona be alright.
i'm gona be ok.
its meant to last forever.
and forever it will be.



video

10.03.2010

i''m loving angels instead

shes heartbroken
hes only sorry
hes heartbroken
hes sorry for me

last night
we stripped our hearts naked
one guard down
one at a time
revealing
a bloody angel
tangled in its own wings

i've been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
then unfold mine
before i decide
to shed them

girl, dont let any more tears fall. dont let it wet the feathers and make it too heavy to fly again



boy. thankyou for telling me i'm bleeding. I thought I was flying


but even though we are all hurt torn deceived disappointed
i'm not going to say ciao to forever
i'd rather die bleeding
then die hopeless
a lot of us out there
are dead men walking
i'm joining you in another lifetime


please
don't judge
don't define
don't give up

be it that we are fools
tools
of love of devils of selfishness
u really think we've lost? you lose when you stop playing. when you stop letting yourself be vulnerable to all the hurt
i'm gona die
trying
to get away from that perfect sky


to: death is the mother of beauty



video

10.01.2010

我一個人也會過得很好。

thomas price used 3 languges in his anphetamine (just to let you know: censored)
his english is a shame.
i added a few names to the little black book "lovers i met and liked"


i told you
"there are fewer listeners in this world than i thought there would be"


you told me
" family is the reason of your wounds"


robbie williams said
"Words come easy when they're true"




merci. i listened.





video