i wish. i knew.

do you sometimes feel that you're remembering
a you thats very far away
and the one that looks back in the mirror
doesn't feel familiar
no sadness involved. just different. just not the same.

i used to fall head over heels for things i like
now that i learnt how to control my desire
the enchanted feeling seemed so foreign
i wish i can stop falling out of love
and find my way back in.

i wish i knew where to begin
but how would it be possible when i don't even know how it ended
it's just like how the gloomy winter's lingering a little too long
i don't want to make this numbness permanent

so i say a little prayer
and wish that on the morning when the sun decide to shine again
i can recall
the reason behind the effortless smiles



he repeated something i quote randomly

"words come easy when they're true"

it took me more than 3 drafts before this post gets published. the struggle is: i wonder what i want to make permanent. the memories? the pain? or its aftermath? i realise, its really only the love.

when i decide to go through my 25 most-played songs on this warm sunday morning, the pages of yesterday flipped like the feb issue of elle i've been reading over and over again for god knows how many times already. i like to label my happenings with their own soundtracks. loop a john mayer jackjohnson and you can indoctrinate yourself that it once felt as good as it had been. tug the crumbs of bliss gently underneath somewhere so it doesn't bother you no more.

when you can't decide whats right for the moment, stick with what's fool-proof.

for me, is the equivalent of demin, grey blazer, chanel and myself.