Can you hear me?

i was singing until i realise i had to lower down to a whisper

because he always said I was too loud

then I realise again

that he probably couldn't really hear me at all now

maybe he would have wanted me to shout

but I decide to sing

I hope

If I sing beautifully enough

it would soften his worn out heart

p.s. today I asked my brother what his favourite colour is, he said it's red.

       I hope he doesn't hurt too many hearts when he grow up

I am wonderstuck to have met you

we walked, we stopped, its closed

he looked sad, i tried to make him smile, he is determined to find his own way

we started to walk again, i told him silently that i don't care where we were when i'm with him

we stopped, in front of a familiar place

we sat, down and I saw the old me

with the old him on the other side of the table 

it felt like yesterday

when nothing but him matters the world to me

and now we are sitting here on the other side

he told me that the beef yakitori taste like heaven

I smiled

I wish I can let him know

how glad I was on the other side with him 

when I started to explain, the memories that hurt

he started to laugh, and told me about the pork neck salad he had at home

which is way worse than the pork neck asparagus yakitori we had 

I wanted him to let me know

how much love it takes 

to make a wounded girl smile 

as if yesterday did not happen 



I am always here, where your heart lies

i met a man

who told me things i dont know 

and things i wanted to find out 

he made me reconsider, when it took me 3 years to learn to stop where the mind starts to wander 

he made me feel safe 

to believe that it can be better 

and that there are always more than one route that leads to the same goal 

sometimes I wish I can wipe the tiredness from his eyes 

what has he seen that I haven't?

how can he believe in what I don't? 

he loved me in a way that made me stronger

I learned to walk home in the dark, fearless

because he is the only one who took me home 

made me feel safe and sound 

he made me smile to myself at times when I am awake 

he made me feel that there is more to each day, than just longing for a better tomorrow

I wanted to let him know 

I couldn't let go 

he said he can forget the pain of work when he enjoys our presence

I hope I can make his world better 

with love 



what does it take to make me learn to love?

how can i shed my tears silently 

how can i speak loudly to the people i love?

how can i stop myself from running?

how can i stay? in the trouble i made for myself? and own up to my own mistakes? my responsibilities?

i wil txt her and tell her i will learn to talk again

i will look him in the eye and tell him i will be better

i will wake up and smile to a new day, and thank the people who made it a better place :)


I want to run, into the past

cant sleep?

i kept going through what happened, the hurt i felt where the happiness was

the mistrust, the misrep, the misunderstanding

maybe this is all my dream

maybe i took all of this too serious

and made it my reality

even when it feels real today, tell me what you feel tomorrow

he said I am a fickle girl,

i dont see how he isn't

me to myself

him to everyone else

I told him I want to know him inside out, even the past he wanted so much to leave behind

I wonder if I really want to

I want to see

but I keep on forgetting

I only remember the happiness, swift

and the fear that is permanent

the fear of having to have everything taken away from you

I want to run

where to?

into his open arms

and tell him I wish

we loved.


Keep your heart hanging in gold

this morning,

I woke up to a madeon lineup. It really made me think, did I really care, but I smiled because I remember I did, and thats what really mattered

Sometimes I do wonder, whether the real life shattering moments in life, is worth for you to linger

some moments like when Maroon 5 is serenading " I won't go home without you" and the aftermath of an electiczoo linup in New York, when nothing beats having the time of your life at that moment on that night. Or simply when LeeHom sings his heart out 2 metres high above the ground, or even, when the ABT dances Romeo & Juliet away in front of your very eyes. 

What is there not to believe?

My mind leanrt to smile, briefly, and let whatever wants to catch its attention fall into the background, so that enjoyment is a skill to be achieved instead of an emotion to be triggered 

in time, you learn to take a piece of something away from dans le moment

something like a smile in the picture, the soundtrack of a summer, and maybe the touch of a skin

and then you learn to lock it somewhere in the softest part of your skin, and let it be 

until you find your way back to it someday, if you can

I took my words

so that without the images and sounds and feelings, it feels less real

whenever I decided to go back,

I can still imagine it to be as good as it can be

i kept the part of my mind, the youth, the impact. 

keep your heart hanging in gold. 


tears and rain

Maybe there are really some kind of people like us out there

who does not deserve the love

some chose to mask unhappiness with a smile

I wanted to believe in it, but I just cant

maybe being unhappy is just a state of mind

maybe my mind is too slow and small for a big world like this

if this is just the beginning of the hurt, then give me the armour to understand it all

maybe love is never a shield from the hurt 

i would like to think its a certain kind of space

the little free white space where you call it home and freedom

where you let the unhappiness roam, and the happiness reign

instead of waiting for the one who loves you in all your forms,

i need to learn to become one myself

so when there is a day 

when love becomes a need and less of a pleasure 

I can still call it home.