my little girl

"you are so rational"

i guess when times like finals are just a week away, it is but a sin not to at least unleash the most rational side of yourself to combat all the desires and temptations

i didn't know a weekend can leave a person so emotionally drained. or more correctly put, a dinner.

she's nice, sweet, pretty. got the most innocent smile. the biggest heart.

they meet on the street.

I felt she was the me I would have been if I hadn't allowed my eyes to see so much

I brought her to my room, showed her things I would never have let a person in her position to see.

like my chanel nailpolish collection. and the fact that I feel ashamed for having bought them all but could never use.

I think I need some friends.

Then I came across another song today,

wanted to tell him so much about. I just knew he would have heard.

but hesitated since I felt the boundaries I need to construct to make thing straight.

but then I did, he heard.

just like that.

we don't need to share

he don't need me to care.

Then the little girl who cares too much need to move on

and be someone more rational

so that she will not grab some innocent boy's heart

and make it her own.


The come back kid.

yesterday, I watched an old movie.

great cast, simple plot, deep.

I have no memory of the circumstances in which the movie was introduced to me, but I chose to watch it again on the day when one of the most important persons in my life bid me a swift farewell in search of her dreams.

I tried my tears, none respond.

I used to think, its such tragic beauty to be real-life cinderella. Working for every bit of one's future.

But I was blind to the hurt. physical and psychological.

I did not notice the signs our body displayed. the warnings of nature.

I let my mind rein my body, and left my soul scarred and weak.

I thought I could endure the pain.

Yes, but only the painful effort towards a meaningful goal. Not the pain of reality. the unnecessary shame which arouse from excessive determination.

Time taught me, to make good use of tools. including ourselves, the little cucumber inside our head.

sometimes, being in a place is a choice, but its a well-thought out one.

co-incidences are consequences of wilful blindness.

Helen Keller said, cripple one of your senses, and the others grow stronger.

I don't want it to be my eyes.

I like rabbits, and horses, and anything that don't make unnecessary sounds.

I am a sheep.

From today, I will try to control through understanding, choose with a utilitarian egoist attitude.

I have made good use of the time I wasted.

Maybe now is the start of some real challenge.

God, wish me well.


teach, don't indoctrine. inspire, and learn

they say, if you can't convince, confuse

I say, if you can't convince, inspire.

the only form of authenticity, is inspiration.

I cannot convince you to attend to my values

the reason why philosophers went crazy, they are stupid enough to try to claim to be prophets.

but little lou wants to tell them,

we don't need prophets

we need teachers.

the transformation to become invincible

this time, i found myself drained in a middle of nowhere

I think the sadness comes from

the silent reason of shame.

the moment he picked up my brother's hand and forced him to sign on that wall.

I can't believe I am putting my father down right in front of someone he hated

I can't believe he is hating his daughter for becoming who he wanted to be

I can't believe I am becoming more and more like him

without being in control.

can I change my own destiny?

I found the answer in between tears and desperation.

yes. the catalyst is desperation.

the answer is,

please don't be ashamed of your love.

even if others label it as immaturity and rudeness

I have no reason to be shamed of myself

to hide because I am not ready.

I am waiting for the you to accept me for who I am.

not matter who I was am or will be.

I acted, I saw my mother's difference.

she is not ashamed of my madness like my own father.

she is afraid.

she does not want to remember

the vulnerable memories she tried to hide.

why is everyone hiding everything so hard??

maybe I will find the answer soon, but I have decided

that sometimes, empathy is enough pain. sympathy is a sword.

that sometimes, only being proud of youself per moment

is the answer to happiness.

and that pride

is something

other than knowledge

that is building up my confidence.

the key to the huge question of growing up.

one day, I will let my children know,

I will differ from my dad

I will learn to put down my self interest

invest in the interest of the future of my family, my kids,

the difference btw a man and a woman

is the realization,

that one day, we all need a family to house our own values

so they can learn to defend themselves

against the evils of the world

even mother started saying, she wish she bore no kids

I am tired of us underdogs.

I am transforming,

so that one day I can hurt myself enough,

to learn to become invincible.

my dear kid in the future,

I hope you will understand my love someday.



there is some new motto I kept trying to get into my head

been there, done that, and never go back.

people, places, things, toys.

don't cry over the same split milk.


today I saw someone familiar in others arms, caption "its ok to be simple"

I think I want simple, but I don't get to smile often.

When I was waking home late night with a guy after a nice dinner and some intimate chat, he wanted to turn into the nearest mtr station and take the train home. I stopped him, and my reason is " its late and there are lots of twists and turns in the underground. better walk where you can apprehend the road ahead of you."

"and why are you so not street-smart when it comes to relationships?". was his answer.

I wonder why.

I met a guy whose heart I torn while I was on my way to the doctor today. I waved, he smiled.

like nothing happened.

I deleted the number of a guy I cared so so much about today.

like nothing happened.

Sometimes i ask myself

why she smiled so happily, as if nothing happened.

as if a girl as smart as she is knows nothing about the other girls

but there she is.

with him on his 22nd birthday,

the girl I felt so sorry for when her boyfriend cheated on her.

I always thought, if I can practice being alone, nothing can hurt me.

I can replay songs, be with my family, people from shops, but no, nothing serious.

but when I see their smile, or more correctly, her innocent smile and his grimace.

I wonder.

What I want from life.


thought provoking

" you can't get everything you want, do you know that?"

he is the second guy who said that in my face.

for once, i am speechless.

because deep down, i know. but what then?

if you don't get what you want all the time, then should you still desire? or should you just learn to smile and be contented with what life throws at you, knowing if you tried a little harder, a little more, you'll have, at least, a higher possibility of owning that something someone, some dream.

I deleted what i wanted to say.

I wanted to say, I am made that way.

I am made to want the best because I cannot afford to live a second-rated life.

I am biologically engineered to survive only in a world where standards of a certain kind is displayed, thus the source of my happiness flow.

I don't mind to listen to the birds chirp, the wind sing once in a while,

mind that , I lived by that once. but then your mind, or more specifically, your body just naturally respond to evolution.

that you can't settle for something like that.

that in the time ahead of you,

a race is awaiting.

my mother taught me to swim, run, compete, practice, read, draw, write, talk.

so I can run as fast as I can and write even faster to finish the exams I need to pass in order to get on top of the game.

I know. but I cannot afford to escape.

I wanted to change the rules of the game, tell them your dreams doesn't have to come in expense of mine.

but I cannot, because I am just me. Its really not about wanting. It's about needs.

You change not to become a different you, but a stronger, clear-minded being.

so when you have offsprings of your own, you are strong enough to teach them how to shield themselves against the evils of this world.

There are some rules you can do nthing but just abide to; like some people you can love but cannot own.

A morally respectable guy once said it is dumb to think like an imperialist. He doesn't understand the idea of taking into possession something your heart desires and bearing your initials on it.

marking your territory. I secretly doubt if he is taking his words seriously.

Why, if everything and every person that matters is just a falling star, can you pretend you can survive under a starry starry sky?

What I want to make permanent, mounts to the safety and security of the future. Regardless of the pain, the trade off where one might be too wounded and have lost the capacity to enjoy the luxury of security, the race to a better future is my present hope.

the stars I met along the way, I'm happy for.

but I cannot fool myself into being a nocturne when I am born amongst the august breeze.

value the temporary silence, and I'll start my new journey soon.