I think the sadness comes from
the silent reason of shame.
the moment he picked up my brother's hand and forced him to sign on that wall.
I can't believe I am putting my father down right in front of someone he hated
I can't believe he is hating his daughter for becoming who he wanted to be
I can't believe I am becoming more and more like him
without being in control.
can I change my own destiny?
I found the answer in between tears and desperation.
yes. the catalyst is desperation.
the answer is,
please don't be ashamed of your love.
even if others label it as immaturity and rudeness
I have no reason to be shamed of myself
to hide because I am not ready.
I am waiting for the you to accept me for who I am.
not matter who I was am or will be.
I acted, I saw my mother's difference.
she is not ashamed of my madness like my own father.
she is afraid.
she does not want to remember
the vulnerable memories she tried to hide.
why is everyone hiding everything so hard??
maybe I will find the answer soon, but I have decided
that sometimes, empathy is enough pain. sympathy is a sword.
that sometimes, only being proud of youself per moment
is the answer to happiness.
and that pride
other than knowledge
that is building up my confidence.
the key to the huge question of growing up.
one day, I will let my children know,
I will differ from my dad
I will learn to put down my self interest
invest in the interest of the future of my family, my kids,
the difference btw a man and a woman
is the realization,
that one day, we all need a family to house our own values
so they can learn to defend themselves
against the evils of the world
even mother started saying, she wish she bore no kids
I am tired of us underdogs.
I am transforming,
so that one day I can hurt myself enough,
to learn to become invincible.
my dear kid in the future,
I hope you will understand my love someday.