11.30.2010

a new heaven

i read and there were tears in my heart

i understand the grief mum is feeling now. i feel it in my very bones
how will it feel, i wonder, if i have nothing to convince even myself that i am worth of something i want?

its not about the fight anymore. its about the fuss
about being who the world want you to be
so that you'd be "of value" in the eyes of the world's competition
and as i start slipping and falling
i realise
you will only realise, when you stop being at the top, the unfairness of it all
like the ridiculous GPA requirement for exchange to wut, nottingham?!
then let me be.
i had 18 years to prove myself
i guess its time to let others get a taste of it


and then, at this turning point in life
i pursued another vocation
(yup. workaholic is tatooed over my bones)
a vocation of "understanding"
i've mastered the skill a bit better than before
so that now, when i listened to cheryl cole telling me its better to lie
my heart felt sad along with the truth in the lyrics and melody and everything beautiful

then, i realise
when i thought i cried my heart out because a boy left me because my heart got thrown around like a rag doll because i felt like i left my family for 2 years straight and couldn't find the door in anymore because all that i cared about left when i left
someone is singing out her courage to live a new life when her 4 year husband left her
with a pile of lies of hurt of shame of pieces of heartbreak

what does a girl like me have anything to cry for anymore?
believe me
it just sounds so stupid


i realise i cry more than average people does
and thats because when god made me
he forgot to add in the little emotion called anger
so for me:
its either happy or sad.
and usually anger falls into the latter category

when the drills overshadows my music
tears filled my eyes
and i start throwing things around
chairs pens markers tables papers mistletoes


and then i realise
i made myself a new heaven
now i am reading under snowflakes surrounded by mistletoes and latter a new christmas tree

he is not replying me anymore
maybe today will be tomorrow's history
like every other story
its just a little harder this time
i need a stronger dose than taylor swift's innocence this time to get through the hurt
so sorry for the overdose of cheryl cole

may the merriness follow us
with the countdown of the advent calender from sherbourne

we will continue the fight
for what we want is always worth fighting for.

fear your own cowardice

i realise

as much as i fear you hating me

i fear

your love


because i cannot bear

to see a love like this

surrender to time and reality



so take every piece of happy memory
and keep the eight letters to your heart

i admit

i am too much of a coward to

admit

wuts inside

last christmas i gave you my heart

can i stop waking up from dreams that brings raindrops to my eyes?

this time
you are holding hands with this girl
and looking at me as if i didn't exist
as if im a piece of transparent memory
and only me the fool remembered

then i realise the heartache i went through last christmas
it pained when i said we are not talking anymore
it pained when you really said goodbye
it pained when i thought time could mend things but i forgot you moved on but i stayed right there
there on the very dark night
when everything went wrong
and we threw the promises into the sea

the hurt ends
when i heard you kissed another girl
then all i can remember
is running into martins room
crying
crying crying crying
so much like the first time we smiled so much
when martin told you i liked you and you liked me too

i couldn't even bring you to read the letter i wrote
all i can do is to give your childhood memories back
stripped you from our promises and put your armour back on

maybe its just christmas approaching that brought back all the reminiscence
it only meant
i've survived another year
without you

11.29.2010

let it snow

i think the culprit is...
that i've forgotten

i've forgotten
how
before the hurt
i loved

so ytd
it was skype with the girl in aussieland
princess diaries I
and cheryl cole's flood.


and someone told me
to love is to be vulnerable

to me

to be vulnerable
is to look into the mirror
and bring me to realise the flaws

but i thought.
she he them were flawless
but i realise
they are not
no one is
and i deserved none of the flawlessness i see in them

so let it be
let it snow

11.27.2010

tired.

today.
is
a
sad
day.



i woke up feeling tired.
mind and soul.

wandered around the house
trying to find something beautiful to marvel at
nothing.
the house is empty
no, actually someone's around
but we don't talk to each other anymore
new ground rule: silence

then the drills start coming in.
they brought out the rage
i slammed the phone down
slammed the door shut
screamed into the phone
"and u want me to study constitution in this hell?"


then guilt caught up with me
and i played chanel coco & igor stravinsky
oh the french-russian collision
is my only marvel of the day


then i felt even more tired
after the russian tune fades out and credits fades in
took lassie out for a walk
the crowded streets disgusted me

oh. maybe one thing genuinely excited me.
today, while i decided to take the turn home
my dog looked me in the eye (literally)
refused to take the new path
so, we stood at the crossroad
looked at each other
and for a split second
i can't help but smile
at her will

even my pet knows which way to choose
i am still pondering at the crossroad

its too much
i curled up and got back into bed
thought: maybe i will wake up to a peaceful dinner. an antidote i desperately needed


who knows
1 second after i got out of bed
rolled down the stairs and found
myself amongst a heated discussion at the dinner table
another second passed
i found my tears rolling uncontrollably


alas, so it was my tears that woke me up


im tired.

permettez-moi de sourire s'il vous plaît

peace. out.

one of the most beautiful shots of freja














credits to my beau. fashionsing.com

11.26.2010

he was strumming my pain, singing my life

i am a living example of practice makes perfect
and since last nite
i bid au revoir to
hungovers
of highschool fantasies
puppy love infactuations
stupidity
in general

last nite i had a very weirdly happy dream plush nightmare
good news first or bad news
i'll decide for you


Part I: the dream
(regardless of the hurt he've put me thru)
last night we we descending this elevator
he was on his way to work
in the enclosed space
i was fixing his tie for him
and holding him very close
holding on very dearly
maybe because im just a little too certain
this might be the last time
of course (since this is a dream)
he embraced me
but we weren't looking at each other
instead, lookin into the reflection of us
for a moment the air stood still
then the elevator door opened
and
the very glimpse of us being together broke inevitably, along with the metal sliding doors

Part II
mum was holding on to this leash
and on the other end
i found a honey-coloured retriever
(but mind you. i am NOT GETTING ANY HONEY COLOURED RETRIEVER. I AM GETTING MYSELF A BLACK LABRADOR, if i am getting any dog)
and then i realise mum was playing fetch with him
so he was holding this blue football in his mouth (covered in saliva)
and after a few rounds of fetch
he let go of the ball
and was so smoking hot air was coming out of his nostrils like steam from a tank engine
and the drool fell from his mouth like a screen of waterfall

he was gone.


Part I: nightmare
i missed my very last constitution revision lecture
(as if i'd give a shit...maybe i do subconsciously give a shit hehe)
and was not very happy
when he jumped onto a taxi with me
and not until the red cab went into a halt
did i realise we were getting off at his place
but (don't ask me how it happened, dreams are constructed in an illogical way sometimes)
we appeared at my place
i was quite pissed
both because i didn't do what i planned out to
and that he was following me like a disgusting shadow
i burnt a candle
turned all the lights off in my room
and locked him out

im pretty sure he talked to my mum
which made me hate him more
no one talk to my muse. i talk to my muse.
and i literally kicked him out of my house
i hope he understands my feelings for him now


it bothers me how the details got transported back to reality with me
when i wake up
never before had i felt such happiness and such disgust at the same time

i hold on to a belief,
that dreams are merely things that are never gona happen in life
if the hypothesis is true
then i don't know if i'd like to still believe in it anymore

because we all know a little too clearly
how dreams and reality mirrors each other
and how much agony it brings when the lines get blurry and they start to intertwine
so you'd forget which one you are in

last word:
its indescribable how funny feelings come and go
something so strong like hate can melt with a breakdown and love blossoms with the baby tulips
some other love, built on confusion and illusion
can survive
time and time
and hurt
i have to admit that the pulses are not as strong as before
but they had just turned from collisions to ripples
so the thought of it doesn't pain me anymore, merely made me shiver


but even though you said you know how it felt.
you'll never feel what i've felt



this is love

11.25.2010

muse...-ed

its only been two days
but i felt as if two millennium has passed
until the tulips in my room began to blossom
i've told myself
when my babies grow, i will as well
and i guess
this is how the world works


today, i ran into Michael Casker's PET CLOUD project
and it was, again, love at first sight
oh if i could only poke at the fluffiness the white the eyes
i'd die with bliss
(janyway, just to say, : i feel like walking on clouds today)


i guess
i got used to it all
really. that's what my muse (akhem... mum) told me after her morning brunch with the miss lovely who took me under her wings while i encounter my first paid-experience
she said
something i ought to have known all along but am really,genuinely, bind to it all.
she said
"oh but misunderstanding is in the eyes of the beholder"
(tried to beautify it Shakespearian style)
and was it not
cant be any truer
if so, then let the beholders remorse
and let me live
without bothering who why whut when how

i just want my pet cloud

my couldnt-be-any-lovelier-tlf told me a day agp
"but this is merely the glamour above all the unspeakable ugliness and sadness"
and if it cant be of any help
LAND LAW finally come to my rescue
its just, as a matter of fact-ness, a matter of

priority

should we sugarcoat reality or
poke the bubble of bliss and let down our quarantine
just to build another stronger qurantine
so we can be immune
naturally
instead of artificially
against all the sins of humankind


after this ride
i thot i will end up being as sinister as those around me
they call it conformity
i guess a part of me had this natural resistance towards conformity
not anything in particular (mind u, not attention seeking-ness. no generalization here)
but a desire to be unique
one-of-a-kind
if i rip off all the labels
its just a mere
love to be myself

dont tell me its wrong. you know it isnt in the very best sense.

so, as blair had said oh-so-perfectly-right again,
since i've been following my head for 18 years
i guess its finally time
to let go of all the worries of consequences
and just pick up one ounce of courage left in me

to follow my heart


p.s. charlie chaplin said (in my tweeter) ,
maybe everyone is laughing when i'm crying.
maybe the reason why i care is cause the inner me is laughing at my stupidity as well
but the diesel campaign (shot by the proud blogger of weliveyoung) said it all
i dont feel the pain i used to
from knowing you wont and couldn't ever love me the way i'd like you to
but even if you did
it wouldn't change anything

and the natural being in us,
will move on
and realise
the person who loved you all along
deserved your love
too.

a promise of love

"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery.
And today?
Today is a gift.



That's why we call it the present."

11.19.2010

有些事你不必問 有些人你不必等

we are sitting in my favourite snugglespot
it was around nine
he was sitting across me
when he told me
"you know nothing about yourself"

i didnt realise how disturbing that little line felt
until 3 seconds ago
when i open my eyes after an half an hour nap
and surprised myself
from never having felt so good

i found out i need exactly 6 hours of sleep to fuel up my daily activities
that wearing a suit makes me feel stronger
that red is DEFINETLY NOT my colour
that it makes me feel two times sleepier when i let my hair down
and that i should either put on eyeliner/ mascara but NOT both

i found out i need music to heal not hynotize me
that i need silence more than words
that the reason behind it all: loneliness
that no matter how many nights you spent out and about, mum always know the right way to bring you back
(this time: sevva crunch cake)
that it is very selfish and wrong for 'em to play with our hearts
and they should go play with barbies instead

i found out that stockings are not made for me
i feel so much more myself in jeans and clogs
i found out watching football alone is stupid
but watching it with your beloved is suberb


i found out you dont have to try too hard for everything
because answers just come to its seeker
like when eleanor waldolf said
"you dont have to lose the girl to be the woman"

i found out the golden rule to life
comes in dual:
1. do something you don't like everyday, so you'll get use to the pain
2. do something wrong so you'll recognize the right way

p.s. never stop talking to your mum. she's god's muse to us.

11.14.2010

i'm singing someone else's song

i once wrote
"we are born to forget"
we are
and though according to the new canon nikon ads
which never fail to indoctrinate us
the fact that every moment can be captured by images of themselves
(aka everyone with a DC100 in their embrace claiming to preserve youth)
i'd chosen to carry with me my eyes
and my heart
and note all of this down
in alphabets
and i tell u
its like running
u can do without shoes
to remember
you can do without your iphone your blackberry your imac your DC100
just carry your heart
and pay your blog an occasional visit
and pour all your thoughts your misunderstandings your tears into this little white space
and leave
only by clicking "publish post"
and pretend all this didn't happen. no, did anything happen?



so where do i begin?
lemme tell u where it ended. its more clear and less of a deception
it ended with too much tears in the corner of the bathroom
messy thoughts splattered on the floor
me frantically trying to pick out the "good" ones from the "bad"
before putting them back into my mind
so that the tap to tears can be turned
and i can emerge out of the bathroom
a different person
a "happier" person
maybe only a girl who smiled and claimed "no, dont worry. i didn't cry"

now i tell you wut happened
yesterday, when manu lost 2 goals to aston villa at ard 58
my little bro stomped off, head buried in hands, and left me alone memorised with the yellow ball
(yup. THE BALL IS YELLOW)
and not until ard 70, not until i screamed "2-2!" did he come out and we can make conservation again
so i learnt: to make my brother speak = wait for the first man-u goal.
lets pray that 'em chelsea get stoned.

dinner. the hardest part of the day.
at our place, its like eating under surveillance
dad kept moaning about the teeth the money-minded docs
mom kept screening the food making sure they were all gone before people realise she's not eating
and today i got the blame for not drinking soup
and i thought after 3 months of this she understands
then i realise
well. understanding is just like feeling happy
we are all decepted from the start
we don't OWN happiness. we never will.
according to the american constitution, its always and only always will be "THE PURSUIT" of happiness
according to the little talk i had with some on friday night,
happiness is merely a perception. and after you realise its merely a deception, you've got to live without it through a little inception.

who knows wuts next
maybe some of us would jump off the ledge like marion cotillard did
at least, even at the verge of leaving this world,
she BELIEVED it was still for
the pursuit of happiness.


its funny how
the "favourites" that got into my list in my ipad
were no longer favourites anymore
i remember not understanding how one can stop loving their ex-es
ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife etc...
i thought there should always be a general principle for declaration of love
or at least, justification for your actions
i love her/ i married her/ i went out with her because ____________
but in the end
the justification is always
ARBITRATION
then even the common law jurisdictions themselves
condemned the rigidity of RULES


but please tell me im wrong
when i said the circularity of it all:
is that you cant condemn water for being a liquid
when you realise you cant hold it anymore within your reach

you can't condemn love for being irrational
when its only the irrational who deserved it

you can't condemn me for being unpredictable
when unpredictableness defines me

you can't condemn me for not being happy
when there is nothing out there that deserves my smile

then u know wut they do?
they start lowering their standards
like inflation.
so then everything becomes "good"
like the popularity of university education
food. living spaces

and then people like me become more confused
when 1/2 out there possess piano-skills of concerto level
girls and boys at f.5 got themselves named after stars
but none of them could be appreciated
in the starless nights of this city

mum said "don't put too much on your heart. he didn't meant it. he loves you too much"
so tell me:
does the definition of love survive time?
is the love he told me when he was 50 the same as the love he is showing me when hes 70?
i kept telling myself:
its not him who changed. its the receiver who failed to tune her antenna
maybe his love for me never changed
maybe its just me and my teenage tantrums
interfering with the radiowaves of love
please let me believe this is right.


i know its lame to quote lyrics
but when you get judged with everything you said these days
its never wrong to play safe
just by playing sing-a-long


so when they tried to judge to decept to hurt
just tell 'em
i'm singing someone else's song

11.11.2010

dont forget to breathe

crack
a tear fell
some hearts broken
some time gone.

these days i had enough
crying for myself crying for him crying for her
she told me she cant breathe
too suffocated by life
she told me she cant trust
too fooled by love

tell me
how many gallons of tears do i she he we have to shed
until we become invincible numb heartless to it all?

from the moment i picked the apple
from the eden gardens
i gave up everything i had
for the sake of knowing
now that i knew
but the gates to eden are forever closed
we are exiled
from happiness


i used to laugh at eve. laugh at her shame her ambition her stupidity
but aren't we all eve at some point in life?
i once blamed her for the original sin
now i learnt
blame no one
because on top of the original one
we'll add a lot more to the list

these days i learnt to breathe
in a different vacuum
called solidity


p.s. pygmy seahorses are one of the most wondrous males on earth. please let one wriggle out of the sea and come to me.








courtesy to out of town

11.09.2010

my antidote

so far
good music
chic styling
impressive pictorials
and amazing cover

antidote's first issue. i hope it really works like it sounds.

11.07.2010

toy

i hate receiving phone calls from him
his voice sounded like the annoying 8 am alarm from my blackberry
literally shaking me from the stardusts the remains of my dream
even though the most recent one i had
should fall into the nightmare category



these days there's just nothing too perfect nothing too simple
too much of a mixture
too short a glimpse of a smile
before the rain of tears fall
like a veil
making sure that wut happened between us
stays as blurry as possible
so that maybe some lonely friday
when i decide to rummage through some memories
i can still pretend its beautiful





i wanted to shout
fuck 'em who thinks idealists should be condemned
so what if u knows everything
because you also know
that nothing can be changed
my mom said ignorance is a gift
my dad said you are everything stupid
i said i am a stupid girl who thought she is in love but she isnt



wut am i to you
does the answer even matter to me
do i even matter
do u matter
what matters anymore these days



when showing up late for a seminar and walking right out on your professor and having only been to one chinese law lecture so far and extending your own lunch break and walking your dog for 3 hrs and making cookies for a guy i dont even care about happens
dont ask me why
because when you start mismatching your actions with the subjects
this is why
to love the wrong guy to kiss the right one to smile to your enemy and curse your lover
and say you dont mind but you do and get mixed up like a banana smoothie





please tell me
i dont care being called stupid
so that i can still say i love you and not feel the weight of blood and bandages
but tbh
when he said it all too clearly in the phone
im just your toy
i believed.




p.s. the first song that came to my mind is maroon 5's ragdoll (not too surprisingly) but i decided to keep it local. and thats how we do it these days. the chinese way.





video