but after hving some MIA sun showering onto my bed after pulling away the curtains
i went out of the routine
aka yanked at the covers and actually tried, impressively, to reset the whole scene to 0300
pop in some jack johnson (yup something in the air tells me its some jackjohnson day to moi)
shared some links
halted jackjohnson, played some imaginary ski ba bip ba dop bop with some more imaginary drumsticks
shared some links (fyi, nail polishes these days are way out of their own league. dick weed? is that even humanely possible?)
lit a sage and citirus, blew out some heated debate in ma head on whether apple cider/macintosh's more worth checking out at the yankee candles
deciding on how much longer do i have to wait before i can be enjoying imax inception
and whether its a good/bad/not even deserve good or bad thing to hv missed tonite's armani bar invite for little bro's farewell at the airport. i settled down on the latter
wait. felt strangely bewildered at the fact that the oh-so-ever-annoying boy next door wont be kicking balls at my legs for the next fortnite
even more bewildered by the fact that i have to suit up, wake up before 9- join the labour force at large
and that leaves 2 more days of freedom
(better put, 2 more days to devour 90210 season 1)
and more nites to check out the new m.a.c in the groove swatches.
to control my desire, for material
and to control, my control, for expense
quote of the day:
" all emotions, if sincere, are involuntary" Mark Twain
( first quote ever to have learnt by heart)
my best friend got into a local uni
the hype is over for my supposed-to-be-co-years
and, alas, we are ALL college students
no more generation gap. not for now, at least
best dressed of the day:
they say it's the closest to divinity, when you capture yourself lingering in the state of no emotions - aka, not happy, not sad, not angry, not nothing, just living and thinking...and living.
and so far, it worked. i mean, im not even sure how it worked or whether it did work (since um how can one define normalness anyways), but one little discovery
i felt happy, way happier, with expectations out of the way.
its like walking into marketplace when u arrived 5 minutes ahead of meeting a friend; and happily discovering some whole wheat raisin bread that contains 100 more kcal than the one you got at home
like realising state of play and the great gatsby 30% off at hmv, and leaving with pearl harbour in one hand, roman holiday in the other - they lived happily ever after, thanks to buy 2 for 99
and today i realise how it feels to dislike. the strange silences, the struggle to locate a random topic, the testing eyes, the fake laughs, the when-are-we-ever-going-to-get-to-the-point. the purpose was just to hand her a belated birthday present, the surprise is how much we've grown apart, again.
and today, my face is weirdly red. so red i can feel the throbbing of blood in the capillaries
its not fair to have to go around like a walking tomato
(no offense, i love ketchup)
rudolf's only got a red nose,
not a red face
and i got both.
today i questioned the existence of fear
and before i get to admit my own stupidity
i guess i have a lifetime to find out more
so tdy, as i finished clearing up another truck of memories from freshman year (oh lord, it took me 4 straight hours and it made me delay lunch til 4. makes it no lunch no more, but more of a spoon of soba and 5 packs of soy sugar-free cookies. dang, my diet went into the drain)
another reason: i actually SAT DOWN and watched jersey girl. yup, another jennifer lopez after wedding planner i loved most and ben affleck, the one and only who makes me cry every time and only after say, 15 minutes after the lights went on.
which led me to the core part of the post ( for those new readers, who might most probably be non-existent-given the no no publicity of my blog, i tend to wander - sometimes a bit further than far can actually describe) - a quote by ben affleck
"I think the more painful something is, the more you want to distance yourself from it," Affleck said. "I think the hard part is actually to let some of that go and to realize that when you see some of these images of people suffering in some way or another, to kind of remember that these are people who are in fact just in different circumstance than you are, but that are kind of dealing with [those circumstances] in a pretty brave and enduring way."
pretty much reminded me of my mother.
today i asked her whether she'd like to watch a chinese catastrophy movie with me
and the grim look on her face already spelt out WHY PAY 60 DOLLARS TO GET UR MASCARA RUNNY
thats true, economically, at least
but ben's true too, morally.
i thought miller already solved the moral v economy dilemma
at least he mentioned that they don't always go bipolar, that is.
and suddenly, i missed my blue white blockbuster card.
it was one of the first few cards that i actually own, aka with my name on the back
in those days i always carry proudly that little card with me
and go with mum to the blockbuster rental nearest my place
and i will get happily lost amongst shelves and shelves of blockbusters
thrilled with familiar titles and unfamiliar titles alike.
did i tell you i finished everyone of the dvds i've bought? yup jersey girl's the last latest one.
and i cant wait to get my list started again.
to begin with,
tonight: MI 1
off to dinner, ciao.
and here comes seafood sequel
sad...but do you actually believe sushi fall from heaven?
on the left: amazing fish. we downed 5.
on the right: standard dish of the day. AHHH
hey hey, did you say le tao's mango fromage?!
no. it can't be strawberry pies, blueberry pies and strawberry cakes
what? and more to come
im not even joking when i say they invade. this time, in STACKS.
shd make it clear right from the start, this blog will be an account of some recent happenings and some more recent discoveries
(so in case u are not prepared to be bombarded with a life in helenchau's day and mind, then leave go fill in something more interesting in the url bar yeh?)
so right after i got off the plane and busied myself unpacking and rearranging my room
since i cant stand the fact that my bag collection's creating a worrying landslide right across my bed and with the new add-ins new yankee candles a new jewellery stand chunks of new jewellery heaps of new clothes new this and that i guess my room's gona explode if i get a little more lazier than i already am
after the intensive labour and a few pages of to-do, to-buy, to-see list done
i got myself some time to make myself at home
aka attended a birthday party saw the well-missed lover said ciao to some uni-due cousin
and suddenly everything felt like home again
this time it took me less than 24 hrs
to realise nth much has been missed and will be missed
some blunders are still made
something like the stupidity of taking an hr beforehand to personalize this tear-bound birthday card for the guy in red and brought everythg except the card to the party
some crazy random catch-ups with the guy who admittedly earned guilty pay frm ivygate and the realization that a harvard-bound Nepali's gap-year due
and the horror that the freak of my highschool's gona spend his gap in my faculty. (oh lord)
i know i too-often associate so-highschool aka those childish days
but this time it just felt right
and i learnt again that one shd never call it a night without hugging your lover and ur very best friend
something like sea-side walking heart-to-heart talking
is all it takes to patch up the 7 days of MIA
"as long as you are still you and me still me, nth will change, if everythg changes anyways"
and tell me how can i not love you
and thanks for the sudden call that lasts from prince edward to kowloon tong
you brought along some smiley stars to the hollow skies
the fact that im too young for my age and u too old for yours
made us perfect for each other
you made me think. and rethink.
whether i am where i shd be
the dilema and yet again (isnt it just some posts way below?)
why are we always torn between that fact, or illusion, that someone somewhere something is not good enough for us
and how great are we anyways yeh?
just teach me the beats
and i promise i will keep the soul alive when you're gone
p.s. you can never actually guess what might happen to a girl who awaits her belated shower with hot water being throwing tantrums and decided to shut himself out completely
1. i came across a loving old man deliberating pain - tuesdays with morrie (chinese version) (but this time its a sunday happening)
click here for the vid
2. i googled miller's principle and decided to get this book
"David miller’s Principles of Social Justice "by Matthew Robinson, PhD
Associate Professor of Criminal Justice
-ha. see? i dont need to GO get crim law frm the uni bookstore. they COME to moi. voila.
3. and also got myself to go thru utilitarianism by john stuart mill. seriously, whats wrong with me?
thats it for today. i think i need to hit the doc. in case insanity really reaches me.
to bond to lure words out into the light
instead it took us a few capri cigs a british lighter
and a bottle of chardonnay
to patch up the little missing pieces in between
i didnt think it was some secretsharing
i'd like to think it's some belated update
of some lost love some broken heart some more healed soul
with the benefit of the hindsight
all those sound more beautifully sad
than real suffering
i learnt my lesson
its not beautiful to put suffering into words
and even uglier to pour them into others ears
in between the silhouette of the lingering charms
and dripping tears down some golden liquid
we held hands
and proved, with time and space
in material form
How cool will it be if there's this little icon somewhere to bare witness to this historic moment
And this is wut I mean when I said vanity is part of the original sin
And I realise I love to put ands at the beginning of each sentence
I guess I like my thoughts to sound continuous and flowing and and and
And not alone
The feeling of being beloved can care for
Something only jamie cullum's music and lyrics can provide for nowadays.
For the account of my lastest disapperance
I had just too much to say
That talking abt it tend to do more justification than justice
No I'd rather tell u all abt it like some other story some other hurdles we've been thru
Right now, being in the middle of it all
I need some unbiased advice more than some more mourn
And here I am, at the doc, belated
Delayed by a brow appointment with the sis and some more belated lunch
Sitting in front of me's a man and a woman
The man caught my eye, with his tanned skin and beautiful smile
And then I look causally to where we was looking
And found both of us gazing at this beautiful short-haired woman
And when I look into the man's eyes, I literally saw him embracing all of her
Smiling only to her and no one else
Loving her and her alone
People don't need people-says audrey in breakfast at tiffanys
I tried to console myself with john mayer's perfectly lonely
But no, I guess perfect and lonely are born bipolar
One has to be perfect with the person they love
Say bf, say husband, mom, dad...
Did I not tell u I had the most amazing and one of the most exciting summer nite twirling curling dancing with my fam
T'was like they will be there, no matter what
That their love for u will not vanish with usher's oh my gosh
But stay til the break of dawn
And endure the nite
Today's phil's birthday
I realise I've never had the chance to celebrate his birthday with him the five months we're together
Funny how things go yeh?
Two days ago, my best friend defriended me on facebook
Two days from now, I will be enjoying a cool summer in japan
Tonite, I will be seeing the girl who got lost in the ukay.
Time after time.
Life do plan us some surprises
the first miracle would be me being able to wake up, voluntarily (this is the main point) at nine sharp for an early movie with the fam
after i pulled an all-nighter
thanks to spain's belated victory
and villa's lack of enthusiasm, later proved effective by iniesta
and later, after some runny mascara and tissue overload
i found myself downing some burger right across the boy i mentioned earlier in my last post
it was a quick time-limited lunch of a mere half and hour
it was a little more than half-time break but less than half a match
anyways, we talked like time had frozen where we were laughing and giggling at barney.
we used to watch barney. a lot. we found it very unisexual, satisifying the boy's desire for dinosaurs and his sister's wild imagination
back in those days we can always find a way to have fun
with minimal harm done
but today, while we were doing small talk over combo burger set
i spent 15 min debating in my mind whether i should lightly mention sara
i still cant decide whether having a spanish girlfriend's a pro or a con
but obviously, to him, it was the best thing that has ever happened to him
i hope i was something like that to him.
at least, when he was six
then the rest of the afternoon was spent catching up with the sister
basically catching up with the story of her recent breakup with the five-year-marathon boyfriend
it was sad
in some way, to witness yet another highschool sweetheart gone down the drain
the sound of heartbreak sound so familiar
it kind of broke my heart again
and i met the fam. of the boy and the girl
we were so close i know better than to even bother small talk on the ride home
i knew the boy's father like it better with minimal noise
and the mother, contented with her own Q&As
i was actually smiling to myself all the way home
if someday the family i was so used to having
would one day be my family as well
and no asia team ever got into the finals.
i guess this is how the world works.
on the bright side,
i discovered some decent neighbours today
and one came over for dinner and dance dance revolution battle
i ended up zealing a deal with him on a tutorial session
the extra pay will def make me smile for the rest of the summer
p.s. and one more miracle
i found a new reader for the blog :)
it was actually a bittersweet experience for moi (forgive me)
of course i was honoured that someone stalked me and landed themselves in this little sacred space of mine,
yet still, i hope all this emotion and description overflow doesn't bore you
i really dont want you to read this line and wonder why on earth am i doing reading some bullshit like this
just to let you know
though my bones hurt-day 3,
but my heart smiled
when all u've expected is to go watch how overrated some vampire fetish is at the cinema
it ended with some wise words
"its not about a decision between you and him, its a decision between who i am and who i should be"
and that simple twist of dilemma left me speechless in my mind
isnt that simply life itself?
when i come to think of it
it is actually some either or question
that i've been dealing with
since i dont even remember when
i've been having strange questions in my head
mysteries like why am i so different from the rest of the family (mentally, to be more specific) why did my parents forbid the teeniest bit of teenage fun everyone's supposed to have a right to
the other day a girl's eye nearly popped right out when i said no. no sleepovers at my place.
and how strange, really, is that?
to a fifteen year old me
it is, indeed, a bit peculiar.
i've always have a plan of my own
i'm a pretty strong-willed girl, teen, now a legit woman
when i was 6, i sat face to face with this boy
with black curly hair and dinosaurs printed on the walls of his room and owned an orange lizard of some sort
and above the mushrooms under the third leg of his bed
we talked about our marriage in florida...disneyland.
when i was fifteen, somehow some name of some school came to my attention
and somehow the boy's elder sister went and gave some very good reviews on it
so at a small starbucks at knutsford
i swore, with my best friend under the magic of our determined little words
that we'll both do whatever it takes us
to get to the dream school. OUR dream school.
after my seventeenth birthday, and when i realise that dreams dont go hand in hand
and usually leave people behind and telling them afterwards
we all head off into the unknown,
into tides that takes us to where we belonged
fortunately, (i dont think im in the position to judge others anyways)
i ended up pretty much where i should be.
back to the question: to be or not to be. to be who i am or who i should be
first thing that pops into my mind is:
what is the thing i should become?
i then decided it would be me when i experience utmost happiness
i know the following would sound a little surreal and illogical
but when you've experienced a state of being surreally happy
for a year long
thats who i am
and for me,
thats me in LPC.
two months til my precious eighteen is finally biding me farewell,
i am now in a state where the time to decide has long gone ahead
at that time
in that piece of mess
i decided to become who i should be
or more, who people believed i should have become
im still happy, dont get me wrong
still as fit as a fiddle
and physically healthier than ever possible
theres some missing bits and pieces
in the soul
where only i can visit and give witness to.
i met the boy yesterday. he told me he's leaving to spain next week.
spending three long weeks with his spanish girlfriend/to-be-wife
it pains me how easy it was for me to talk normal with him
and not with anyone else.
anyways, he said that its till not too late to choose
that community college is still an open option
i heard from his sister (who also bore witness to our little commitment back in those young days)
that he applied to a university here just for the sake of being close to the girlfriend
is that love? or a decision? or a mistake?
or maybe, simply fate.
he didnt get the offer.
"life is not all about decisions, its also about making mistakes, so when they ask you again, you will not guess, you would have known."
again the light of truth dawns upon me like heaven has opened
i've made my fair share of mistakes
being not too ashamed and not too proud of some, depending on which
but i guess now it's time to sharpen up
to start making other mistakes
and not repeating them
means i've learnt, and known.
for now, i'd really like to give my heart a break
from all the warfare.
thanks again, john mayer, you know the right lyrics
and declare peace.
and just enjoy
and the joy that comes within from making every single one of them
with people you love loving you
and ever more
p.s. one more thing
they said the beauty of it all
is the chances we take
every morning with the blink of a new day
its the unexpected that makes it all worthwhile
and while we want to hold on to the precious the best of the day
the sweet sweet smile the smiling eyes
its the hope for something more beautiful in the next second the next minute next day next lifetime
and while all the awaiting
he wrote, in my year book
"who knows, maybe we'll meet again, another time, another space, in another 14 years"
money cant buy me love
but they used money to buy time
time is priceless but they drink it.
i know it doesnt make any sense
since this is not a post its merely some mental notes made in non mental form
please excusie moi for the untidiness
i'll come back to u
after the world cup
"you never know" makes my day
something like the 72min perfect goal by Puyol which left me speechless
i was too busy texting the team deutschland abt muller to watch it live
and some beautiful words also came out of the blue
after some speechlessly polite football of the era
and while i silently salute charlton heston in my dreams (its 5:44 am HKG)
please feel obliged to watch/ hear the following:
charlton heston speaks at harvard law school
is it fake to not be yourself to not say what you'd like to say
just for the sake of
trying to avoid some awkward silence
so its like a white lie then, yeh?
white is a nice colour.
he told me, out of the blue, that some girl said "i liked you"
i wish he didnt tell me at all
sometimes i just dont know how to handle all that honesty
(from my experience)
its never wrong to not make a move
but once you made one, of any kind, they judge
i dont give a shit
she said (proudly)
and she also said
its sad to know that one day you really dont give a shit anymore
im sad because those things just always succeed in bringing me down
when i didnt say
so i decided to swallow the sarcasm
stand up for what you belief to be true
i believed in you. but you turned out to be false.
i stood up for you but you did not
tell me then...
whats that you just said?
they said. she said. he said. i said.
when all is said and done
just retreat to the sun.
but way too worth the time
in the end
the cv ended up-
but my day-
confession: the setting took me an hour to achieve.
so dont over-look the hidden effort will yah?
but indeed, its worth the ups and downs
details. its the details.
(the cv is hidden somewhere underneath the fun. sun.)