really, fearless?

recently, i m trying to master the skill of neutrality.

they say it's the closest to divinity, when you capture yourself lingering in the state of no emotions - aka, not happy, not sad, not angry, not nothing, just living and thinking...and living.

and so far, it worked. i mean, im not even sure how it worked or whether it did work (since um how can one define normalness anyways), but one little discovery

i felt happy, way happier, with expectations out of the way.

its like walking into marketplace when u arrived 5 minutes ahead of meeting a friend; and happily discovering some whole wheat raisin bread that contains 100 more kcal than the one you got at home

like realising state of play and the great gatsby 30% off at hmv, and leaving with pearl harbour in one hand, roman holiday in the other - they lived happily ever after, thanks to buy 2 for 99

and today i realise how it feels to dislike. the strange silences, the struggle to locate a random topic, the testing eyes, the fake laughs, the when-are-we-ever-going-to-get-to-the-point. the purpose was just to hand her a belated birthday present, the surprise is how much we've grown apart, again.

and today, my face is weirdly red. so red i can feel the throbbing of blood in the capillaries
its not fair to have to go around like a walking tomato
(no offense, i love ketchup)
rudolf's only got a red nose,
not a red face
and i got both.

today i questioned the existence of fear
and before i get to admit my own stupidity
i guess i have a lifetime to find out more

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