chances are...?

its funny how some things just dawns upon you one sunday afternoon
when all u've expected is to go watch how overrated some vampire fetish is at the cinema

it ended with some wise words
"its not about a decision between you and him, its a decision between who i am and who i should be"
and that simple twist of dilemma left me speechless in my mind
isnt that simply life itself?
when i come to think of it
it is actually some either or question
that i've been dealing with
all along

since i dont even remember when
i've been having strange questions in my head
mysteries like why am i so different from the rest of the family (mentally, to be more specific) why did my parents forbid the teeniest bit of teenage fun everyone's supposed to have a right to
the other day a girl's eye nearly popped right out when i said no. no sleepovers at my place.
and how strange, really, is that?
to a fifteen year old me
it is, indeed, a bit peculiar.

i've always have a plan of my own
i'm a pretty strong-willed girl, teen, now a legit woman
when i was 6, i sat face to face with this boy
with black curly hair and dinosaurs printed on the walls of his room and owned an orange lizard of some sort
and above the mushrooms under the third leg of his bed
we talked about our marriage in florida...disneyland.

when i was fifteen, somehow some name of some school came to my attention
and somehow the boy's elder sister went and gave some very good reviews on it
so at a small starbucks at knutsford
i swore, with my best friend under the magic of our determined little words
that we'll both do whatever it takes us
to get to the dream school. OUR dream school.

after my seventeenth birthday, and when i realise that dreams dont go hand in hand
and usually leave people behind and telling them afterwards
we all head off into the unknown,
into tides that takes us to where we belonged
fortunately, (i dont think im in the position to judge others anyways)
i ended up pretty much where i should be.

back to the question: to be or not to be. to be who i am or who i should be
first thing that pops into my mind is:
what is the thing i should become?
i then decided it would be me when i experience utmost happiness
i know the following would sound a little surreal and illogical
but when you've experienced a state of being surreally happy
for a year long
thats who i am
and for me,
thats me in LPC.

two months til my precious eighteen is finally biding me farewell,
i am now in a state where the time to decide has long gone ahead
at that time
in that piece of mess
i decided to become who i should be
or more, who people believed i should have become
im still happy, dont get me wrong
still as fit as a fiddle
and physically healthier than ever possible
but still
theres some missing bits and pieces
in the soul
where only i can visit and give witness to.

i met the boy yesterday. he told me he's leaving to spain next week.
spending three long weeks with his spanish girlfriend/to-be-wife
it pains me how easy it was for me to talk normal with him
and not with anyone else.
but him.
anyways, he said that its till not too late to choose
that community college is still an open option
i heard from his sister (who also bore witness to our little commitment back in those young days)
that he applied to a university here just for the sake of being close to the girlfriend
is that love? or a decision? or a mistake?
or maybe, simply fate.
he didnt get the offer.

"life is not all about decisions, its also about making mistakes, so when they ask you again, you will not guess, you would have known."
again the light of truth dawns upon me like heaven has opened
i've made my fair share of mistakes
being not too ashamed and not too proud of some, depending on which
but i guess now it's time to sharpen up
to start making other mistakes
and not repeating them
means i've learnt, and known.

for now, i'd really like to give my heart a break
from all the warfare.
thanks again, john mayer, you know the right lyrics
and declare peace.
and just enjoy
the decisions
and the joy that comes within from making every single one of them
with people you love loving you
and ever more

p.s. one more thing
they said the beauty of it all
is the chances we take
every morning with the blink of a new day
its the unexpected that makes it all worthwhile
and while we want to hold on to the precious the best of the day
the sweet sweet smile the smiling eyes
its the hope for something more beautiful in the next second the next minute next day next lifetime
that counts

and while all the awaiting
he wrote, in my year book
"who knows, maybe we'll meet again, another time, another space, in another 14 years"

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