12.31.2010

ciao

i've decided there's no "the end".

it sounds sad

and sad is the last thing we need on this chilly morning

lets just say

thanks for being around this year

you know who you are

and before u start wondering if this year meant anything

it meant something. you meant something -

to a little girl like me.


p.s. off you go, and fuck the rest. today is yours to wrong.

12.30.2010

...you ate all the fruits in my fridge

on the second last day of 2010 i came across a familiar pictorial titled
"plums in the icebox" -Dossier Magazine

it made me remember a dream sometime some months ago

about a he eating all the fruits in my fridge



its more than just food.





don't grow up. its overated

and while i was roaming alone
some familiar feelings hit me like the tides of shoulders on the crowded streets
they come and go, knock me over and again from different directions
the past the now, the year ago, the years before
i hesitated. before decided to step into my past. (or really, the people who defined it)
too scared? a coward to face the fact
that i used to lead a much happier, much fuller, much me-er life than the one i'm leading now
too tired? to smile like i used to without feeling i tried (and failed)
saw some familiar faces that looked a little too unfamiliar, some new faces that felt old
some hurtful memories that seem to hurt less
met him and it felt like nothing ever happened the tears never fell the smiles never stayed
so it was all hows-college



some girl told me
the luxury to dream died with the two years of paradise
now rationality is the new hype. bye boyfriend bye parents-hating bye i'll love you no matter (as long as skype exists)
hi career hi competition hi friends for benefit
because we left the land of dreams and ran towards the blinding lights like
moths attracted to the sugarcoated glamour
and though it left us
burnt ruined bruised teary bleeding
it opened another hole in our teeny brains
a new inception that life is to be lived, dreams are to be left for the night


so now i sleep
more than i ever did
thats the only time
when i can retreat to the dreams

p.s. some weliveyoung said 'don't grow up. its overated'
i wish.
i could.

12.27.2010

i'm just a girl with a fragile heart

it took me back
when i saw the music attached
it brought too much tears
when i let the song play

i spent so much time
learning trying forcing
not to let the feelings surface

and it just took two lines of a song
to break my heart
again

its so unfair


i'm just a girl with a fragile heart afterall

never stop this train

to make the long story short
(or rather, to visualize the impossible train of memories)
it had been a 30 min ride with 5 stops
5 different stages of the story of us:
summer paris london court trials midterms christmas
whoa. if it could only be 5 stops
then i'd wish upon a falling star
that john mayer's right
when he said
stop this train.

maybe its the melodic breathing of the maldivian sea
or the array of champagne supernova
or just something along the lines of understanding and compromising
the pain of soul searching soothed like the fading footsteps on the shore
where the blue and the beige kissed and retreat

or maybe its the moonlight (better, the spotlight)
the silver moonpath the flight of glistening stairs that descended from the dark satin to the rippled navy
or the little specks of smiling eyes the brightest one in the north the little red ruby or the three-in-a-row
even when the little island of paradise faded into the drape of night together with the frameless memories
i recall no pain
but serenity

she asked me if i'd feel sad
if some other she took his hand and his heart
i said when a girl got to the other end of sitting wishing waiting
she'll grow

it took me a few more stops than a normal girl'd take
to get to where i am now
in the end
nothing brings more bliss
than unwrapping the boxes labelled "dear sister, with love" under the dancing pine tree seeing the child-like smiles on their faces wondering if my brother actually murmured a little thankyou

no matter how many times the desperation misunderstanding suffocation brought tears and aching hearts
these are the ones worth hurting for
you'll always know, ab initio,
the antidote's the understanding within

because others are just stops on the ride
stations you don't have to bother getting off for
watch feel and learn
and let the rest speed by and the rest of the rest speed past and stay where they belong

last christmas
i gave him my heart
and took it back

this christmas
i gave them my heart
and they cured mine

merry (belated) christmas

12.15.2010

so THIS is love

the belated christmas cold finally kicked in, my heart though, was numb and hollow.
this morning i found myself waking up with bb between my fingers, only to realise i fell victim to the anger that came from the fatigue, fell asleep thinking of the right words to match the right feelings.

today, while the wind whipped our faces and hair blurred our vision, my bitch confirmed the doctrine of indoctrination.

"when you tell yourself you don't care, i don't care, why the hell should i care when he doesn't care anymore at all, ever?" "...then your will will transform the belief into reality"

"and in the end, you don't give a shit. "

yes i can finally literally say it like i mean it. whole-heartedly. but the sad part of the realisation? its not a remedy, but a lie. to disguise whats always crystal-clear inside

when two person are in denial, and the world doesn't give a shit to the truth since the day of its birth, no one will.

and wut are we searching for when we alleged proudly that our mission is to be true to our feelings?

because my feelings told me i cared so much i can fall asleep and still dream about him. like its not possible for the thought to leave my soul only to be drowned out occasionally by loud music.

don't worry. i am accustomed to the hurt.



p.s. while billy re-told her hurt and the indoctrination of "i don't care anymore" began,
i heard the invisible tears. and all i could do is hold her hand. i remember its the same thing we did 3 months ago. but we were so young and happy then. its just 3 months ago.

we once said, well albeit, this is love.

now? after all the hurt, the lies, the deception and finally, the realisation.

oh-well,

THIS is love.

12.12.2010

if curiosity is my temptation, then guilt is my motivation

usually, sex and the city makes me find my light-hearted laughters again on a very cold day like this.

today's episode though, is a little heavier than the rest. but its is there where i found my answers.

maybe carrie's right when she asked "is it dangerous to open your heart?"

what if my hurt failed to attract a siren-call, who's gona be my superman tnite?

they say a heart is deliberately constructed to work like valves, they open and close periodically.

i guess the solution is: to grasp the right moment when he opens his heart again

i know now that its really a matter of timing and timing and luck. we'll just have to wait for the time when both hearts decide to take a leap.

right now, though, is not that moment.


p.s. sometimes tears are just a tangible emotion that summarizes up the rest. so when we cry, please spare us the whys. and when we don't, don't question our smile.

12.11.2010

a stroll down memory lane

after a stroll down memory lane on a frisky morning, i realise there are a few flaws i found within moi.

first, it is almost impossible for me to forget the details, the good in everyone of them. i know it all ended in a bad way, but almost everytime when i start to recall i only remember the good bits. never did the tears and tiredness blur the bliss, because when i lied down with him under the starlight on the roof above the gym, i really did thought it was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

then some other best things happened, like how we counted off the places on the map above his bed, counting off the places where we'll be heading off to after the exams. i remember the map of life he drew on my bed, linking the dots counting the days when we can meet again somewhere in the middle after he came back from lse and me in hk.

maybe its the way he stayed by my side when i had fever, or the post-it he left beside my bed that made me tied to all these. and till now, i still can't remember the reason
why i decide to throw all this into the sea left him driving off into the dark into the future. alone.

sometimes remembering all the good make you feel worse, and often you are left alone to deal with the hollowness that came from the sea of whys.

and since i can only remember the happiness in the aftermath,

this time i tried to make it feel worse, so when it was all over, i can enjoy the relief.

but i guess, life doesn't work by elimination.

12.09.2010

if today is a name of a song

if today is a name of a song, it will be dean martin's marshmallow world

it started out with a rather reluctant vibe aka introduction to chinese law 9:30 loke yew hall.
plesh. i've never set foot in that place in what? since i quit my job?
but well mid-terms are mid-terms (aka boys are boys in some i've-forgotten-the-case-name-contract-case) so it's not like discretion has any of its right and privileges

but this morning some sweet person made me laugh so much he made the 30 min wait at the minibus stop felt like 5 second. oh well, 5 min. (i swear the line extended to the other end of the block forming a complete square. can u possibly imagine? a line of people forming a square?)

so i was writing writing away in my exam not really conscious of my thinking because oh-well the justification is that this is merely an INTRODUCTION so thinking is not needed.
whoa.
thanks for letting me know.

so it led me thinking somewhere else. if only the world can label its content as mere INTRODUCTION v IN-DEPTH STUDY.
then i would know when to put an end to the abyss of thinking
on things like
why you didn't reply my text and
why i smile so secretly yet so much when i listen to your voice
i think it only deserves an INTRODUCTION, no?


i have to brag a little here, given that it is my private space, please spare me the judgment
i feel flyyyy when i got my VERY FIRST A (yup. you are still sober. its an A as in A-line coat) for my constitutional law assignment.
i did make sacrifices aka called off work for two days to be innocent (refer to older posts hehe)
omg.
omggg.
i still can't believe it

so they say, the butterfly effect. i relate this to my bliss for the day
i find myself floating towards prints, grabbing this and that, matching, dismissing, loving, aww-ing and finally got the stuff i need
for mum and dad's anniversary gift

she said its 20 years.
i know, its long and not-easy at all. at all.

and there i spent the entire afternoon
buried by a landscape of memories, some labelled old, some labelled kowloon tong, others, when dad is still a single man with beatles' hair.
i secretly kept a few of his portraits.
man, he's amazingly handsome
and i'm being as impartial as can be


so i finally put together, the start of 20 years and the 20th year to come
funny how they changed so much, inside and out.
i know its inevitable
but i can't help sighing
at how young and happy they looked
just 20 years ago.

and just so to end on a happy note,
i'm sending out christmas cards tomorrow. by hand. i've lost my trust in the royal mail
and in 10 min time i will be joining the couple for their first in-house anniversay celebration.

may love prevails.









12.07.2010

you are my world

even though i've been trying to exclude the world for the past week

i realise it's impossible to exclude anyone who made up my world

esp people who decide to come all the way from adelaide for a winter christmas

and the nocturnes who couldn't sleep at night and admit it in the morning otherwise

or those who's stuck in boston for a europe trip some girl lost in the enchantedness of japan

or that very silly who is upon return from paris retail therapy.

not to mention my dear little sis whose homecoming from sherborne this very weekend

so christmas is not merely a time for putting up darlings on christmas trees, a reason to watch and rewatch loveactually screaming at hugh grant aww-ing at keira knightly and her secret love

its simply a special time of the year

when all those made up my world

come back to my world

12.06.2010

all i want for chirstmas is you

ouch. my pride was literally hurt by the fact that i failed (yet again) to find the answer to a factorization problem

if there is an award for the worse mathematician on earth. i would nominate myself.

and there i found another legitimate reason to be in love with the mess i am tangled in

at least im stuck with words

please. numbers screw up my mind. like notes in music. i hope you see the white flag no?

currently i am mesmorized with charlotte's famous " how far will i go for true love" (sex in the city)
and it kept me wondering for an entire night
whether i would REALLY give up christmas for a Jew.
(at least the OC made christmukkah sound...livable)

but the answer came
when i found myself choosing love actually's soundtrack over john mayer and danced and sang-a-long to all i want for chirstmas (two versions), listened and kindly dismissed coldplay's christmas light eventually falling head over heels for willie nelson (...featuring norah jones)'s baby its cold outside

and when i found myself hugging the big fat pine-scented christmas tree that finally shovelled its way through the door

i realise

christmas

is

irreplacable.

12.04.2010

....everything

i feel beloved.

after a long due fight with severance, i decide to throw throw throw everything underneath my car and drive off to nobu nibble some grilled seabass flirt with the oceanview chew on some love with my musee

then off we danced towards the ecoya scents, only to let cire trvdon let us down. so we decided on some french pear and lotus flower and let the coffee beans cleanse our minds.

maybe not really. before we know it we are giggling and falling in the carpark laughing at bmw with bmw-plates and the going-bald man in front of the driving wheels. how funny is life?

with that, i got it we don't need to get drunk to discover love, laughs, lies. its all around, like christmas is all around us

so let michale buble tell you what it meant when i say you are my everything.


p.s. just to let you know, i was smiling under the covers all the time (as i listen to you sleep).

12.03.2010

mix me like banana smoothie

today, let the eyes speak its words.

like Karl Lagerfeld said it in his imfamous way "the visual version of homer"

i won't tell you my favourite from the 2011 pirelli calender, but these are my recent beaus:







La Rose Noire by Timmothy Lee









12.02.2010

but no, we don't need you.

i did literally nothing today

too enchanted by yesterday no?

left me wondering

am I still the confused girl standing looking at her toes at the crossroad

or am I a girl who understood a little more cried a little less spending more time alone

no matter how many flight of steps i fall

i will but only fall back into the world's embrace



did i cry for help?
yes i did.
but i am only ashamed of it and will always be
for the weakness
for the need


for that i need
i will never tell.

what a waste i could've been your lover

now the midnight talk made me head spinning
i wish i remembered half the things he/we said
i just find it hard to forget
the giggles
in between

after norah jones filled my candle-lit room,
together with w's baby love lovely pictorials
the world in here smelt, spelt
serenity


thought there's always one thing at the back of my mind
as tlf named it "the fidgetness"
the little vague but colourful memories of rue de royale and grand central station
oh if i could only taste the big apple this christmas
i wish it wouldn't taste half as good as paul lafayet's apple crumble
plesh no.
i die.

p.s. and off i twirl to my snowflakes and christmas tree

12.01.2010

the problem is...

a year ago

we proudly call ourselves: the nation of procrastination
my roomie and i will sing along to linkin park on sunday mornings jumping on our beds before rolling down the effing stairs rolling down to canteen and coop tons of leftovers into our lungs and then lay down at the wrong end of the bed listening to ourselves breathing

at the evenings, all we have time to think of is how to sneak out after 12 at the back of the tennis courts maybe grab a little shisha session at the stairs or jump into a red cab taking us to the other side of the city where we paahtay and dance until the dawn dawns upon us


or i will be having icecream with phil and talk randomly about steve jobs and fall asleep on the roof thinking how good it will be never to have to wake up to this fucking world again and then found ourselves wearing pajamas to the nearest mcdonalds and saying fuck you westernization as we gulp down fries


we will mourn and weep and mourn and lie until the weekend comes again so we can steal cans of soda from the canteen party and secretly wish that the smoke machine will be out of order again so the firefighters can come evacuate us from hell.


we will laugh like there is no tomorrow and smoke til our lungs turn black

and now treat alcohol like an antidote. sing sing sing like elvis and dance like usher

please. skieving history's class to get front row coldplay tix is so right. so damn right.

and wear frog costumes to exams or protest in central or joining gay parades

or maybe just stick to throwing ourselves into the pool at the height of the summer heat after the last day of class

plesh. this is life.

11.30.2010

a new heaven

i read and there were tears in my heart

i understand the grief mum is feeling now. i feel it in my very bones
how will it feel, i wonder, if i have nothing to convince even myself that i am worth of something i want?

its not about the fight anymore. its about the fuss
about being who the world want you to be
so that you'd be "of value" in the eyes of the world's competition
and as i start slipping and falling
i realise
you will only realise, when you stop being at the top, the unfairness of it all
like the ridiculous GPA requirement for exchange to wut, nottingham?!
then let me be.
i had 18 years to prove myself
i guess its time to let others get a taste of it


and then, at this turning point in life
i pursued another vocation
(yup. workaholic is tatooed over my bones)
a vocation of "understanding"
i've mastered the skill a bit better than before
so that now, when i listened to cheryl cole telling me its better to lie
my heart felt sad along with the truth in the lyrics and melody and everything beautiful

then, i realise
when i thought i cried my heart out because a boy left me because my heart got thrown around like a rag doll because i felt like i left my family for 2 years straight and couldn't find the door in anymore because all that i cared about left when i left
someone is singing out her courage to live a new life when her 4 year husband left her
with a pile of lies of hurt of shame of pieces of heartbreak

what does a girl like me have anything to cry for anymore?
believe me
it just sounds so stupid


i realise i cry more than average people does
and thats because when god made me
he forgot to add in the little emotion called anger
so for me:
its either happy or sad.
and usually anger falls into the latter category

when the drills overshadows my music
tears filled my eyes
and i start throwing things around
chairs pens markers tables papers mistletoes


and then i realise
i made myself a new heaven
now i am reading under snowflakes surrounded by mistletoes and latter a new christmas tree

he is not replying me anymore
maybe today will be tomorrow's history
like every other story
its just a little harder this time
i need a stronger dose than taylor swift's innocence this time to get through the hurt
so sorry for the overdose of cheryl cole

may the merriness follow us
with the countdown of the advent calender from sherbourne

we will continue the fight
for what we want is always worth fighting for.

fear your own cowardice

i realise

as much as i fear you hating me

i fear

your love


because i cannot bear

to see a love like this

surrender to time and reality



so take every piece of happy memory
and keep the eight letters to your heart

i admit

i am too much of a coward to

admit

wuts inside

last christmas i gave you my heart

can i stop waking up from dreams that brings raindrops to my eyes?

this time
you are holding hands with this girl
and looking at me as if i didn't exist
as if im a piece of transparent memory
and only me the fool remembered

then i realise the heartache i went through last christmas
it pained when i said we are not talking anymore
it pained when you really said goodbye
it pained when i thought time could mend things but i forgot you moved on but i stayed right there
there on the very dark night
when everything went wrong
and we threw the promises into the sea

the hurt ends
when i heard you kissed another girl
then all i can remember
is running into martins room
crying
crying crying crying
so much like the first time we smiled so much
when martin told you i liked you and you liked me too

i couldn't even bring you to read the letter i wrote
all i can do is to give your childhood memories back
stripped you from our promises and put your armour back on

maybe its just christmas approaching that brought back all the reminiscence
it only meant
i've survived another year
without you

11.29.2010

let it snow

i think the culprit is...
that i've forgotten

i've forgotten
how
before the hurt
i loved

so ytd
it was skype with the girl in aussieland
princess diaries I
and cheryl cole's flood.


and someone told me
to love is to be vulnerable

to me

to be vulnerable
is to look into the mirror
and bring me to realise the flaws

but i thought.
she he them were flawless
but i realise
they are not
no one is
and i deserved none of the flawlessness i see in them

so let it be
let it snow

11.27.2010

tired.

today.
is
a
sad
day.



i woke up feeling tired.
mind and soul.

wandered around the house
trying to find something beautiful to marvel at
nothing.
the house is empty
no, actually someone's around
but we don't talk to each other anymore
new ground rule: silence

then the drills start coming in.
they brought out the rage
i slammed the phone down
slammed the door shut
screamed into the phone
"and u want me to study constitution in this hell?"


then guilt caught up with me
and i played chanel coco & igor stravinsky
oh the french-russian collision
is my only marvel of the day


then i felt even more tired
after the russian tune fades out and credits fades in
took lassie out for a walk
the crowded streets disgusted me

oh. maybe one thing genuinely excited me.
today, while i decided to take the turn home
my dog looked me in the eye (literally)
refused to take the new path
so, we stood at the crossroad
looked at each other
and for a split second
i can't help but smile
at her will

even my pet knows which way to choose
i am still pondering at the crossroad

its too much
i curled up and got back into bed
thought: maybe i will wake up to a peaceful dinner. an antidote i desperately needed


who knows
1 second after i got out of bed
rolled down the stairs and found
myself amongst a heated discussion at the dinner table
another second passed
i found my tears rolling uncontrollably


alas, so it was my tears that woke me up


im tired.

permettez-moi de sourire s'il vous plaît

peace. out.

one of the most beautiful shots of freja














credits to my beau. fashionsing.com

11.26.2010

he was strumming my pain, singing my life

i am a living example of practice makes perfect
and since last nite
i bid au revoir to
hungovers
of highschool fantasies
puppy love infactuations
stupidity
in general

last nite i had a very weirdly happy dream plush nightmare
good news first or bad news
i'll decide for you


Part I: the dream
(regardless of the hurt he've put me thru)
last night we we descending this elevator
he was on his way to work
in the enclosed space
i was fixing his tie for him
and holding him very close
holding on very dearly
maybe because im just a little too certain
this might be the last time
of course (since this is a dream)
he embraced me
but we weren't looking at each other
instead, lookin into the reflection of us
for a moment the air stood still
then the elevator door opened
and
the very glimpse of us being together broke inevitably, along with the metal sliding doors

Part II
mum was holding on to this leash
and on the other end
i found a honey-coloured retriever
(but mind you. i am NOT GETTING ANY HONEY COLOURED RETRIEVER. I AM GETTING MYSELF A BLACK LABRADOR, if i am getting any dog)
and then i realise mum was playing fetch with him
so he was holding this blue football in his mouth (covered in saliva)
and after a few rounds of fetch
he let go of the ball
and was so smoking hot air was coming out of his nostrils like steam from a tank engine
and the drool fell from his mouth like a screen of waterfall

he was gone.


Part I: nightmare
i missed my very last constitution revision lecture
(as if i'd give a shit...maybe i do subconsciously give a shit hehe)
and was not very happy
when he jumped onto a taxi with me
and not until the red cab went into a halt
did i realise we were getting off at his place
but (don't ask me how it happened, dreams are constructed in an illogical way sometimes)
we appeared at my place
i was quite pissed
both because i didn't do what i planned out to
and that he was following me like a disgusting shadow
i burnt a candle
turned all the lights off in my room
and locked him out

im pretty sure he talked to my mum
which made me hate him more
no one talk to my muse. i talk to my muse.
and i literally kicked him out of my house
i hope he understands my feelings for him now


it bothers me how the details got transported back to reality with me
when i wake up
never before had i felt such happiness and such disgust at the same time

i hold on to a belief,
that dreams are merely things that are never gona happen in life
if the hypothesis is true
then i don't know if i'd like to still believe in it anymore

because we all know a little too clearly
how dreams and reality mirrors each other
and how much agony it brings when the lines get blurry and they start to intertwine
so you'd forget which one you are in

last word:
its indescribable how funny feelings come and go
something so strong like hate can melt with a breakdown and love blossoms with the baby tulips
some other love, built on confusion and illusion
can survive
time and time
and hurt
i have to admit that the pulses are not as strong as before
but they had just turned from collisions to ripples
so the thought of it doesn't pain me anymore, merely made me shiver


but even though you said you know how it felt.
you'll never feel what i've felt



this is love

11.25.2010

muse...-ed

its only been two days
but i felt as if two millennium has passed
until the tulips in my room began to blossom
i've told myself
when my babies grow, i will as well
and i guess
this is how the world works


today, i ran into Michael Casker's PET CLOUD project
and it was, again, love at first sight
oh if i could only poke at the fluffiness the white the eyes
i'd die with bliss
(janyway, just to say, : i feel like walking on clouds today)


i guess
i got used to it all
really. that's what my muse (akhem... mum) told me after her morning brunch with the miss lovely who took me under her wings while i encounter my first paid-experience
she said
something i ought to have known all along but am really,genuinely, bind to it all.
she said
"oh but misunderstanding is in the eyes of the beholder"
(tried to beautify it Shakespearian style)
and was it not
cant be any truer
if so, then let the beholders remorse
and let me live
without bothering who why whut when how

i just want my pet cloud

my couldnt-be-any-lovelier-tlf told me a day agp
"but this is merely the glamour above all the unspeakable ugliness and sadness"
and if it cant be of any help
LAND LAW finally come to my rescue
its just, as a matter of fact-ness, a matter of

priority

should we sugarcoat reality or
poke the bubble of bliss and let down our quarantine
just to build another stronger qurantine
so we can be immune
naturally
instead of artificially
against all the sins of humankind


after this ride
i thot i will end up being as sinister as those around me
they call it conformity
i guess a part of me had this natural resistance towards conformity
not anything in particular (mind u, not attention seeking-ness. no generalization here)
but a desire to be unique
one-of-a-kind
if i rip off all the labels
its just a mere
love to be myself

dont tell me its wrong. you know it isnt in the very best sense.

so, as blair had said oh-so-perfectly-right again,
since i've been following my head for 18 years
i guess its finally time
to let go of all the worries of consequences
and just pick up one ounce of courage left in me

to follow my heart


p.s. charlie chaplin said (in my tweeter) ,
maybe everyone is laughing when i'm crying.
maybe the reason why i care is cause the inner me is laughing at my stupidity as well
but the diesel campaign (shot by the proud blogger of weliveyoung) said it all
i dont feel the pain i used to
from knowing you wont and couldn't ever love me the way i'd like you to
but even if you did
it wouldn't change anything

and the natural being in us,
will move on
and realise
the person who loved you all along
deserved your love
too.

a promise of love

"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery.
And today?
Today is a gift.



That's why we call it the present."

11.19.2010

有些事你不必問 有些人你不必等

we are sitting in my favourite snugglespot
it was around nine
he was sitting across me
when he told me
"you know nothing about yourself"

i didnt realise how disturbing that little line felt
until 3 seconds ago
when i open my eyes after an half an hour nap
and surprised myself
from never having felt so good

i found out i need exactly 6 hours of sleep to fuel up my daily activities
that wearing a suit makes me feel stronger
that red is DEFINETLY NOT my colour
that it makes me feel two times sleepier when i let my hair down
and that i should either put on eyeliner/ mascara but NOT both

i found out i need music to heal not hynotize me
that i need silence more than words
that the reason behind it all: loneliness
that no matter how many nights you spent out and about, mum always know the right way to bring you back
(this time: sevva crunch cake)
that it is very selfish and wrong for 'em to play with our hearts
and they should go play with barbies instead

i found out that stockings are not made for me
i feel so much more myself in jeans and clogs
i found out watching football alone is stupid
but watching it with your beloved is suberb


i found out you dont have to try too hard for everything
because answers just come to its seeker
like when eleanor waldolf said
"you dont have to lose the girl to be the woman"

i found out the golden rule to life
comes in dual:
1. do something you don't like everyday, so you'll get use to the pain
2. do something wrong so you'll recognize the right way

p.s. never stop talking to your mum. she's god's muse to us.

11.14.2010

i'm singing someone else's song

i once wrote
"we are born to forget"
we are
and though according to the new canon nikon ads
which never fail to indoctrinate us
the fact that every moment can be captured by images of themselves
(aka everyone with a DC100 in their embrace claiming to preserve youth)
i'd chosen to carry with me my eyes
and my heart
and note all of this down
in alphabets
and i tell u
its like running
u can do without shoes
to remember
you can do without your iphone your blackberry your imac your DC100
just carry your heart
and pay your blog an occasional visit
and pour all your thoughts your misunderstandings your tears into this little white space
and leave
only by clicking "publish post"
and pretend all this didn't happen. no, did anything happen?



so where do i begin?
lemme tell u where it ended. its more clear and less of a deception
it ended with too much tears in the corner of the bathroom
messy thoughts splattered on the floor
me frantically trying to pick out the "good" ones from the "bad"
before putting them back into my mind
so that the tap to tears can be turned
and i can emerge out of the bathroom
a different person
a "happier" person
maybe only a girl who smiled and claimed "no, dont worry. i didn't cry"

now i tell you wut happened
yesterday, when manu lost 2 goals to aston villa at ard 58
my little bro stomped off, head buried in hands, and left me alone memorised with the yellow ball
(yup. THE BALL IS YELLOW)
and not until ard 70, not until i screamed "2-2!" did he come out and we can make conservation again
so i learnt: to make my brother speak = wait for the first man-u goal.
lets pray that 'em chelsea get stoned.

dinner. the hardest part of the day.
at our place, its like eating under surveillance
dad kept moaning about the teeth the money-minded docs
mom kept screening the food making sure they were all gone before people realise she's not eating
and today i got the blame for not drinking soup
and i thought after 3 months of this she understands
then i realise
well. understanding is just like feeling happy
we are all decepted from the start
we don't OWN happiness. we never will.
according to the american constitution, its always and only always will be "THE PURSUIT" of happiness
according to the little talk i had with some on friday night,
happiness is merely a perception. and after you realise its merely a deception, you've got to live without it through a little inception.

who knows wuts next
maybe some of us would jump off the ledge like marion cotillard did
at least, even at the verge of leaving this world,
she BELIEVED it was still for
the pursuit of happiness.


its funny how
the "favourites" that got into my list in my ipad
were no longer favourites anymore
i remember not understanding how one can stop loving their ex-es
ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife etc...
i thought there should always be a general principle for declaration of love
or at least, justification for your actions
i love her/ i married her/ i went out with her because ____________
but in the end
the justification is always
ARBITRATION
then even the common law jurisdictions themselves
condemned the rigidity of RULES


but please tell me im wrong
when i said the circularity of it all:
is that you cant condemn water for being a liquid
when you realise you cant hold it anymore within your reach

you can't condemn love for being irrational
when its only the irrational who deserved it

you can't condemn me for being unpredictable
when unpredictableness defines me

you can't condemn me for not being happy
when there is nothing out there that deserves my smile

then u know wut they do?
they start lowering their standards
like inflation.
so then everything becomes "good"
like the popularity of university education
food. living spaces

and then people like me become more confused
when 1/2 out there possess piano-skills of concerto level
girls and boys at f.5 got themselves named after stars
but none of them could be appreciated
in the starless nights of this city

mum said "don't put too much on your heart. he didn't meant it. he loves you too much"
so tell me:
does the definition of love survive time?
is the love he told me when he was 50 the same as the love he is showing me when hes 70?
i kept telling myself:
its not him who changed. its the receiver who failed to tune her antenna
maybe his love for me never changed
maybe its just me and my teenage tantrums
interfering with the radiowaves of love
please let me believe this is right.


i know its lame to quote lyrics
but when you get judged with everything you said these days
its never wrong to play safe
just by playing sing-a-long


so when they tried to judge to decept to hurt
just tell 'em
i'm singing someone else's song

11.11.2010

dont forget to breathe

crack
a tear fell
some hearts broken
some time gone.

these days i had enough
crying for myself crying for him crying for her
she told me she cant breathe
too suffocated by life
she told me she cant trust
too fooled by love

tell me
how many gallons of tears do i she he we have to shed
until we become invincible numb heartless to it all?

from the moment i picked the apple
from the eden gardens
i gave up everything i had
for the sake of knowing
now that i knew
but the gates to eden are forever closed
we are exiled
from happiness


i used to laugh at eve. laugh at her shame her ambition her stupidity
but aren't we all eve at some point in life?
i once blamed her for the original sin
now i learnt
blame no one
because on top of the original one
we'll add a lot more to the list

these days i learnt to breathe
in a different vacuum
called solidity


p.s. pygmy seahorses are one of the most wondrous males on earth. please let one wriggle out of the sea and come to me.








courtesy to out of town

11.09.2010

my antidote

so far
good music
chic styling
impressive pictorials
and amazing cover

antidote's first issue. i hope it really works like it sounds.

11.07.2010

toy

i hate receiving phone calls from him
his voice sounded like the annoying 8 am alarm from my blackberry
literally shaking me from the stardusts the remains of my dream
even though the most recent one i had
should fall into the nightmare category



these days there's just nothing too perfect nothing too simple
too much of a mixture
too short a glimpse of a smile
before the rain of tears fall
like a veil
making sure that wut happened between us
stays as blurry as possible
so that maybe some lonely friday
when i decide to rummage through some memories
i can still pretend its beautiful





i wanted to shout
fuck 'em who thinks idealists should be condemned
so what if u knows everything
because you also know
that nothing can be changed
my mom said ignorance is a gift
my dad said you are everything stupid
i said i am a stupid girl who thought she is in love but she isnt



wut am i to you
does the answer even matter to me
do i even matter
do u matter
what matters anymore these days



when showing up late for a seminar and walking right out on your professor and having only been to one chinese law lecture so far and extending your own lunch break and walking your dog for 3 hrs and making cookies for a guy i dont even care about happens
dont ask me why
because when you start mismatching your actions with the subjects
this is why
to love the wrong guy to kiss the right one to smile to your enemy and curse your lover
and say you dont mind but you do and get mixed up like a banana smoothie





please tell me
i dont care being called stupid
so that i can still say i love you and not feel the weight of blood and bandages
but tbh
when he said it all too clearly in the phone
im just your toy
i believed.




p.s. the first song that came to my mind is maroon 5's ragdoll (not too surprisingly) but i decided to keep it local. and thats how we do it these days. the chinese way.





video

10.28.2010

my quarantine

a day ago
i thought l-o-v-e should be spelt p-a-i-n
so i cried
and cried
and cried
until my heart tell me
it hurt enough
now you deserved it

a day later
i realise l-o-v-e is spelt m-e
it doesnt take two to love
it takes a big heart
some 6 year-old's eyes
legs thats strong enough to pick one up after a fall
and arms to carry the world

maybe one day you'd change the rules of the game
without me knowing
i'd be thankful for the silence you've chosen
i never really see the need to waste words
to sugar-coat a beautiful truth
if you don't love me no more
i promise
i will be happy because you did.


they say it come and goes
sometimes like a ninja sometimes a whirlwind
sometimes you turn my world upside down
everytime
i have to turn myself downside up to make it all right
or i'll drown in my own pain
this time
there's no right side
theres only time and space
so u and i can create
a new dimension


i told natalie over bbm
i'm happy because you are. for the first and very first time in my life
i can stand on my own
on my own
then i realise
there are still many first times
first time i learn to smile
when my mother told me with tears in her eyes "gona spend more time with grandma aye?"
first time i feel physical pain
taking off my earring
first time i feel
like i'm being myself again


i thought i'd lost myself
in time
the day i stepped into claridges
wheres home
wheres everything that helped spelt s-a-f-e in my world?

with she gone he gone they left she fell in love he fell out of love he went to court i went to work
she dropped out of school we cried because of school we missed highschool she hated highschool mum cried dad hide i loved he drank we smoked we kissed i said fuck u you said u too i said morning he got tired of this i waited he advised i smiled he smiled

if i can objectify how being 19 should be
it should be madness
with a tint of strawberry smile
this is where he said

"underneath the smoky eyes, always give yourself a blend of roman holiday and little darling"

10.27.2010

today, i refused to grow up.

today, i called in sick at work
because taylor swift told me not to grow up
and that 19 is not too young to be messed with.
today i am being 18 again
and god it felt so. so good.

singing-a-long to some speaknow in the car
complimented criticized some wrongly priced rightly placed motorbike jacket
touched the oh-my-gwad 3.1 philliplim clog
and decided its better-off stepping down for the winter
otherwise
some jap had a happy time showering me with colours
and the roman holiday with moon fleet caught my heart like your eyes did
looking like some bruised eye princess
and danced danced twirled off for a piece of redbean tofu cake
the lime tart taste better without the lime
oopps and doops and we piqued back into the car
had an enthralling convo over whos righter
the guy who dumped her or her who left him
who cares. we all make mistakes. we all lived.

so who says we need to profit some frigging airline to feel fly
i did today
with only two bruised eyes.




video

10.26.2010

maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame

weird typing away in an outbox, writing an email wondering who the recipient should be
that lonely huh?
yup. that alone.
wrote 2 emails which were supposedly blog material.
thankyou office for blocking blog.
working in a law firm learning about freedom of speech no?

sometimes all i wanted to do
is to fold myself up
curl, to become smaller and smaller
until i can be invincible to all the pain the rain the games the lies the hurt
or let them go by
without realising
they left a victim astray

i want to take photos with my eyes
with the most innocent lens
maybe blur the reality a little with a little too much tears

i want to bring a soundtrack into every step i take
from the moment i open my eyes straining against the morning sun
let the lyrics the tune the harmony embrace me
so that my soul can dance
even if my body cant

i want you to know i want the world to know
that being myself is not insanity
that growing up is pain
that i am not too young to be messed with

i want to love to beloved to understand
but where's your hand
in my memories it slipped away
or it may not have been there in the first place

i want john lennon's milk and honey
i want robbie williams shame
i want taylor swift's dear john
i want abby lee's peroxide hair
i want tommy the superman
i want an escape

everyone's telling me this is wrong
to want a gap year is wrong
to not study is wrong
to love is wrong
to dream is wrong
but, lemme tell you a secret. i think all of it is damn right.

tell me: are you my stem or my thorn

a picture's worth a thousand words.
today
i give you three.
but they still cant replace the
three words






































you know what i mean.


if only you do.

credits to weliveyoung




p.s. words. pictures. something's still missing no? yup, you're right. its taylorswift today.



video

10.23.2010

irreplacable.

something happened
some people met
some feelings understood
sometimes it amazes me
how
things fall into place
i hope, this time, i wont be replaced.

enough about life.
lets look at how Daniel Libeskind
and his house that fell on earth:


The House that Fell on Earth





the house that only comprise 2000sq feet with no square rooms.








its THE bedroom.








concept: a ribbon that creates, links the spaces


credits to W magazine art issue

10.21.2010

Connecting the dots

after two hours of needed sleep
i woke up realising
the answer to "whats the saddest fact"

the fact that
even if you are telling the truth
no one believes

(sorry, interrupted by yoga)

scenario one:
there was once when i failed my biology common test
i remember it was the year when i have to take my HKCEE
i took it pretty hard
never in my life had i been labelled FAILED with some numbers
(well except the time when i cried and cried because someone gave my jay chou concert seat away. that is truly AN EXCEPTION)
i remember deliberately holding my test paper at the edge
trying to hide the shame in between my fingers
then someone approached and asked me this ridiculous question
"how did you do?"
"bad. real bad"
"now u are really kidding me. your bad is my good"
that hurts a little more than the failed number.
but i let silence had its way


scenario 2:
i was talking to him one day
he asked me this ridiculous question
"how much do you love me"
" i love you"
"you didn't say it like you mean it"
" but i do mean it. why do i have to proof myself"
it breaks my heart, when he doesn't hear my words with his heart anymore


scenario 3:
we were talking, we have 10 minutes til the end of court break
critically discuss this statement:
"在寶馬內面哭, 好過坐在單車後面笑
he said
"there's one thing that is not in dispute: being in possession of money at least solves the problem of money itself"
i said
"money brings with it new headaches"
he said
"but food cannot bring hunger!"
i said
"but being bloated doesn't make one feel any better"
(10 minutes later. court is in session once again)
we went off with different values.
but i swear i'm telling the truth.


when i'm young,
there are two sorts of entertainment that helps kill time
1. colouring book
2. connecting the dots


today,
i am playing with the latter.

10.18.2010

wrong. so wrong

wuts wrong?
maybe i'm just too worn out
but it felt so much like last time
when it went wrong
when all of it went wrong

this time
i'll tell you wuts wrong
"why not? you can deal with civilized people"
she talked too much
i can only hear photocopiers
there's no input for earphones
im not using my own laptop
too many names i have to remember
the aircon's too cold
she made me eat chinese food
i am too spoilt


pauline told me she didn't like sherbourne at all at the beginning
now she's home after a month in the ukay
like nothing happened
is this 101 on how-to-pretend-nothing-happened?
but something inside me screamed
please write
please listen
please shut up

dammit
i always end up in the wrong space at the wrong time

10.17.2010

whoa.

life is a rollercoaster.
just the fact that
i've won enough money today
to render my new perfume free
proves everything
and i thought
sushi after brooklyn's finest's the treat of the week
looks like you never know
wut's around the bend
like a candy-floss coloured hat
fake congrats hearty embrace and a new acquaintance
enough light shed
lets eat crab.

10.15.2010

the contagious depression of a library

if everything that seem to persist will eventually become the norm
then i hope time can lend a hand
by speeding things up a little
so i can start calling
this empty space
life


sadly, it occurred to me that
there are merely two simple verbs
that fuelled us through time -

1. hoping

2. NOT thinking

when you start doing the reverse
aka START thinking START feeling
time always win by throwing tantrums
initially by refusing to walk, crawl, and eventually come to a halt.
it works a little like the moon and the earth
when you move it stayed, and you can only feel it moving when you stayed.


its a pity how emptiness became the norm
its a pity how much pity you receive when you actually feel like you are living for the first time
first love, first kiss, first sweet dream
they all say
don't love don't kiss don't dream
just live

tell me
please
am i moving or am i not
am i living for love or not living because i loved.

why are things so damn complicated.
it this the means or the end
does it matter?


some say
you'll grow numb to all the pain
but if pain is the north pole, i am its south
this may sound crazy but i can only feel my soul through cuts and bruises
and if theres this time and space where i feel comfortable in
i feel scared
that all this may end
that this is the dream
because they say you say we all know (even if we dont say)
that pain is a synonym of life

i remember this girl killing me softly through the phone
by uttering some ugly question
"where are my tears?"

girl i hate to see you cry
but please do so once in a while
so that i can still recognize you





video

10.13.2010

and then i go spoil it all by saying something stupid like i love you

i feel like i'm going back there again
but this time
i will not fear my own cowardice
i wont succumb
wont let the dark days repeat themselves
if you care to open your windows
it still felt like summer
(thank you global warming)

my mother told me
"these days, there aren't many things to be happy about"
which lead me to think
what actually made me happy
"therefore, all i care about, is food." - she added
good point made - food never lie. its one of the very few things which never fail to offer you this instantaneous feeling of so-flyness.
for me, its like a brick of L'affineur cheese on a few slices of 5-grain wheat bread and an excessive cup of soy milk (sugarless, s'il vous plaît)

so everyday at 7 in the morning, my mother busied herself in the hustle and bustle of the local market, too much like a pollinating bee popping her brunette head in search of the best crabs from yeungsheng lake, the all-time-favourite bitter "ancient-gold-fish" (金古魚) (credits to google translate), the choi-sum that's in-season, sometimes substitute it with my fav dish: steamed eggplant with raisins. occasionally some tofu, or tomato pan-fried with egg.



my turn to give a little sneak peek into my daily eating habits.
oh, it's pretty simple actually.
usually for lunch i'll have homemade soba noodles with hokkaido imported soya sauce, a little wasabi and laver (紫菜). oops did i skip breakfast? breakfast will be a piece (or two) of soft raisin bread dipped in soy milk...(hmm just the sound of it excites me heehee) plus an apple/ blueberries alternatively.
dinner, well. as above.
after-dinner, we usually have fruits. my favourite? apple and bluberries. i hope you don't find it too surprising :)


my favourite dessert: HMMMM this is highly confidental




(but nevermind, nothing's too highly confidental these days with facebook and youtube all over the place)


so....
HOMEMADE APPLE PIE.
I DIE :)



see? food always make one feel dancy and fluttery and happy despite all the shit in life
of course,
accompanied by the right music.




so today, with wutever dish you are having now/later/in the evening (depending on your timezones and whereabouts)
i present you with your background music:

video





bon appetite.

p.s. i realise i placed the clip at the end of the post, which destroyed the entire aim of making you all feel happy reading about the post WITH the music.
i'd like you to chew on the words as if this is a new dish presented by chef de 'elen. WITH
la musique.

so. follow the following instructions:
1. click "play"
2. scroll to the top
3. chew on the words and taste the bonheur of life

Voilà

10.12.2010

I can't promise to heal you. But if you want to, I will try.

if you have to make me name my one imperfection
i'd tell u right away
its a pity i'm made up of tears

today, in between fishballs and tsuiwah, my world is flooded
with a few things. consecutively:
1. the truth
2. my truth
3. her truth

i remember vaguely there were a few names, a few mentioning of incidences
that never fail to blur the surroundings
something like the fact that
i never knew the kind of sport shoes my brother needed
the amount of time i kept my mum waiting in the dim light
the long long walk i had with dad in paris
the fact that i realise
he never knew
how i grew up in the past 18years


my mum always reassured me:
"he'd done everything a father should've done"
but if there's a little black book of love
i'd like to think theres nothing named "last but not least"
why?
why?
why didn't you even try
to talk to understand to allow yourself be vulnerable for once
i've told you and i'll tell you once again

don't be afraid when you see my tears
it just meant
i've chosen to be vulnerable so that i can still love

please
talk to me
talk to her
talk
before
we closed all doors.

讓我這樣吧

sometimes
i just want to spare some words
some melancholy some reminiscence some i dont understand
for some time
sometime
later


don't make me talk
don't rummage for my smile
when all i want
is to look

feel

to hide

disappear for a while

10.07.2010

my heart will wait.

do u sometimes find youself asking yourself :

"do i like ___?"



does it feel right?




for the past week, i have people telling me to wake up. but from what? (thank you for sending me a virtual text message/ more like a virutal sword through my hanging heart)

if i can be of control. i will. needs i can control. desire, wants, emotions. i can.

but my heart. i cannot.

i've spelt it out differently to different people. an addiction? an abuse? a wrong turn of fate? loneliness? give me a noun and i will replace all the above.

on the swings he silently killed the remains of my innocence.
he said it like its something i should be shamed of
or worse
i saw too much pity in his eyes
as if he's laughing at this drowning girl, gasping for breath, and letting her be.
knowing we all need to die once before we know.

know.
knowing.
one of the top 10 lectures from dad:
"don't even pretend you know what happened in those days"
i wish i knew
i really do.
if it can bridge the hole between us. i will do anything to fill the gap

tell me how to go back to 1939. and i will tell you how much i really know.

so i hold onto the belief,
that i have to know.
i'll give anything in exchange to understand
the brutality of mankind

on the swings, the pendulum of my conscience felt as heavy as the truth.
it swayed, it lingered
ignorance_________innocence___________knowing_________truth
where should i land
if i could never fly again


and then i found the answer
so stupid am i (as always)
it was right there
right in front of me
looking right back

it was in his eyes.


he was mocking. he was laughing. but his eyes were crying.
he was mourning
for he decided to never go back.

maybe everyone have to go through this once. him twice. thrice. too many times.
but not everyone ends up broken
i'll be the first one to fix myself
thank you for shedding light on the truth
but i'll rather not take your hand.

when your heart tells your mind to break itself
then let it be
if i have to believe in one thing and if its anything
it's that life wouldn't break itself

its' gona be alright.
i'm gona be ok.
its meant to last forever.
and forever it will be.



video

10.03.2010

i''m loving angels instead

shes heartbroken
hes only sorry
hes heartbroken
hes sorry for me

last night
we stripped our hearts naked
one guard down
one at a time
revealing
a bloody angel
tangled in its own wings

i've been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
then unfold mine
before i decide
to shed them

girl, dont let any more tears fall. dont let it wet the feathers and make it too heavy to fly again



boy. thankyou for telling me i'm bleeding. I thought I was flying


but even though we are all hurt torn deceived disappointed
i'm not going to say ciao to forever
i'd rather die bleeding
then die hopeless
a lot of us out there
are dead men walking
i'm joining you in another lifetime


please
don't judge
don't define
don't give up

be it that we are fools
tools
of love of devils of selfishness
u really think we've lost? you lose when you stop playing. when you stop letting yourself be vulnerable to all the hurt
i'm gona die
trying
to get away from that perfect sky


to: death is the mother of beauty



video

10.01.2010

我一個人也會過得很好。

thomas price used 3 languges in his anphetamine (just to let you know: censored)
his english is a shame.
i added a few names to the little black book "lovers i met and liked"


i told you
"there are fewer listeners in this world than i thought there would be"


you told me
" family is the reason of your wounds"


robbie williams said
"Words come easy when they're true"




merci. i listened.





video