the belated christmas cold finally kicked in, my heart though, was numb and hollow.
this morning i found myself waking up with bb between my fingers, only to realise i fell victim to the anger that came from the fatigue, fell asleep thinking of the right words to match the right feelings.
today, while the wind whipped our faces and hair blurred our vision, my bitch confirmed the doctrine of indoctrination.
"when you tell yourself you don't care, i don't care, why the hell should i care when he doesn't care anymore at all, ever?" "...then your will will transform the belief into reality"
"and in the end, you don't give a shit. "
yes i can finally literally say it like i mean it. whole-heartedly. but the sad part of the realisation? its not a remedy, but a lie. to disguise whats always crystal-clear inside
when two person are in denial, and the world doesn't give a shit to the truth since the day of its birth, no one will.
and wut are we searching for when we alleged proudly that our mission is to be true to our feelings?
because my feelings told me i cared so much i can fall asleep and still dream about him. like its not possible for the thought to leave my soul only to be drowned out occasionally by loud music.
don't worry. i am accustomed to the hurt.
p.s. while billy re-told her hurt and the indoctrination of "i don't care anymore" began,
i heard the invisible tears. and all i could do is hold her hand. i remember its the same thing we did 3 months ago. but we were so young and happy then. its just 3 months ago.
we once said, well albeit, this is love.
now? after all the hurt, the lies, the deception and finally, the realisation.
THIS is love.