i hate receiving phone calls from him
his voice sounded like the annoying 8 am alarm from my blackberry
literally shaking me from the stardusts the remains of my dream
even though the most recent one i had
should fall into the nightmare category

these days there's just nothing too perfect nothing too simple
too much of a mixture
too short a glimpse of a smile
before the rain of tears fall
like a veil
making sure that wut happened between us
stays as blurry as possible
so that maybe some lonely friday
when i decide to rummage through some memories
i can still pretend its beautiful

i wanted to shout
fuck 'em who thinks idealists should be condemned
so what if u knows everything
because you also know
that nothing can be changed
my mom said ignorance is a gift
my dad said you are everything stupid
i said i am a stupid girl who thought she is in love but she isnt

wut am i to you
does the answer even matter to me
do i even matter
do u matter
what matters anymore these days

when showing up late for a seminar and walking right out on your professor and having only been to one chinese law lecture so far and extending your own lunch break and walking your dog for 3 hrs and making cookies for a guy i dont even care about happens
dont ask me why
because when you start mismatching your actions with the subjects
this is why
to love the wrong guy to kiss the right one to smile to your enemy and curse your lover
and say you dont mind but you do and get mixed up like a banana smoothie

please tell me
i dont care being called stupid
so that i can still say i love you and not feel the weight of blood and bandages
but tbh
when he said it all too clearly in the phone
im just your toy
i believed.

p.s. the first song that came to my mind is maroon 5's ragdoll (not too surprisingly) but i decided to keep it local. and thats how we do it these days. the chinese way.

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