10.07.2010

my heart will wait.

do u sometimes find youself asking yourself :

"do i like ___?"



does it feel right?




for the past week, i have people telling me to wake up. but from what? (thank you for sending me a virtual text message/ more like a virutal sword through my hanging heart)

if i can be of control. i will. needs i can control. desire, wants, emotions. i can.

but my heart. i cannot.

i've spelt it out differently to different people. an addiction? an abuse? a wrong turn of fate? loneliness? give me a noun and i will replace all the above.

on the swings he silently killed the remains of my innocence.
he said it like its something i should be shamed of
or worse
i saw too much pity in his eyes
as if he's laughing at this drowning girl, gasping for breath, and letting her be.
knowing we all need to die once before we know.

know.
knowing.
one of the top 10 lectures from dad:
"don't even pretend you know what happened in those days"
i wish i knew
i really do.
if it can bridge the hole between us. i will do anything to fill the gap

tell me how to go back to 1939. and i will tell you how much i really know.

so i hold onto the belief,
that i have to know.
i'll give anything in exchange to understand
the brutality of mankind

on the swings, the pendulum of my conscience felt as heavy as the truth.
it swayed, it lingered
ignorance_________innocence___________knowing_________truth
where should i land
if i could never fly again


and then i found the answer
so stupid am i (as always)
it was right there
right in front of me
looking right back

it was in his eyes.


he was mocking. he was laughing. but his eyes were crying.
he was mourning
for he decided to never go back.

maybe everyone have to go through this once. him twice. thrice. too many times.
but not everyone ends up broken
i'll be the first one to fix myself
thank you for shedding light on the truth
but i'll rather not take your hand.

when your heart tells your mind to break itself
then let it be
if i have to believe in one thing and if its anything
it's that life wouldn't break itself

its' gona be alright.
i'm gona be ok.
its meant to last forever.
and forever it will be.



video

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