no. nothing's wrong

questions in life come and go
some going off hand in hand with satisfying answers
like some miraculous discovery of one's true love
most others, though, are still out there wandering
seeking searching for that destined other half


"why do we have families"
are one of the very first riddles of me life
im the first of 3 others
before the contraception of my very first sister
i found myself dancing solely in the surreal limelight
i had all to myself one of the most memorable birthday parties with bunnies pigeons magicians themed clowns inclusive
then the big G decided to make me some company (the oh-so-considerate him)
yet theres this one thing that bothers me the most
you know how some people are born more solitude
i tend to attempt all one-on-one sports: aka swimming spiriting horsebackriding ice-skating skiing
dont even mention something-ball in front of moi. i'd be very happy to admit my hand-eye coordination's below average

and this thing about having a big FAMILY in ASIA
is one of the greatest tragedies if u just don't get the entire prerequisite bond theory
family are people that are genetically destined not to get along well
all the closely connected gametes, the 50-50% of certain characteristics (credits to my f.5 reproduction knowledge)
and the fact that like poles repel
this world is a confusion in itself

in economics, they say its all about choice
the more the alternatives, the closer the step to equilibrium
so family, in economics context, is some sort of natural monopoly
hence the over-rated authorities, control, values

family = no choice, supposed to be there for each other, a no to being yourself
even in some metropolitan city like hongkong
i find myself located in some of the most traditional families
where putting the good of THE FAMILY before one self automatically akins itsef to the first commandment
and if you dont abide
u automatically became the sinner.
and its not even funny.
(i didnt even try to justify my recent absence in sunday masses. some priest awe me please.)

everywhere everytime everysomehow
there will be some eyes somewhere
so when u do something like forgetting to turn off the lights before u leave a room
somebody will announce it at the dinner table
and u will be honoured the silent treatment for the rest of the night (and hopefully its ONLY for the rest of the night)
i'd like to demonstrate the holy system by naming just a few rules:
1. MUST turn off lights before you leave a room
2. NEVER turn on the air-con before after dinner
3. NEVER take baths for more than once/week
4. NEVER take more than 5 mintues to get to dinner table when dinner's announced
5. NEVER arrive later than the rest of the family
6. NEVER complain.
7. DONT justify. just narrate. even pure description will earn you some slap of stupidity in the face
8. DONT share information. if it's true they suspect you as know-it-all. if not, they dismiss it with some scorns some wtfs
9. DON'T pretend that you care. its always not the right time for you to be the angel.
10. NEVER EVER expect compliments. they are as rare as meteors. If you got one, congratulations, you've been crowned miss-arrogant without yourself even knowing it.


i'm not even being cynical. those days belong to the past. when i cared too much about something that's repellent to care of any sort.

and mum just knocked (no one knocks in my family. they think its abnormal to not have free access to everyone's privacy) put on this good-mum attitude and asked if anythings wrong

did something go wrong when u didnt speak at dinner just because everyone else's busy scattering ignorant comments childish bliss?
did something go wrong when you decided to shut up
as the only response you got from the father is some "so u dont know putonghua" when u mentioned u need to take some sort of examination and needed a tutor for some help
did something go wrong when u want to throw up spending one extra second in that suffocating scene
did something go wrong when all u want is to go back to your room and write and write and write and write and maybe cry a little


no. nothings wrong.
nothings wrong no more when theres no right

and the random discovery of some awesome music. attribute to the starry starry night. click on image

we'll only fall amongst the stars.

then i was bathing in the sunflower fragrance from kiehls shampoo and enjoying me morning showers
hoping that the warm oozing water can wash away the fatigue and guilt from staying up a little too late last night
(i pledged that i'll tuck meself under the covers NO LATER THAN 12. i DID. for one night?)
the morning music made me think: maybe i'll write about the music tdy
yeh. then i started to make an imaginery list of music i like in my head:
james blunt, this love, john mayer, sitting waiting wishing...no i cant forgive myself for leaving out cold play.. a little taylor swift will do too
and it kept going on..and on
until i realise its going nowhere and this little long list have to wait
theres something more interesting that i'd very much like to prioritize
so ciao to pop artists, make way for life.

you know all those cliche thought-of-the-day you see at starbucks everyday
u wont be surpised when u read, for the thousandth time:
"reach for the moon, you'll only fall amongst the stars"
i cant remember the last time i did something fearlessly
even the most amazing thing i did, going to uni interviews,telling my crush i liked him
all these i did with my heart shaking
i feared. what exactly?
i guess i fear the fall. the fear of not landing amongst the stars
but somewhere into the deep unknown
when you're fifteen, the only thing you fear is being told by someone you loved they dont feel the same for you
that your parents dont ]talk during dinner anymore
that your sister drunk called you and didn't come home until dawn
that you fail your finals
maybe i'm so young and nothing much get to go wrong in life
i fear "the first time"s

been there. done that. is all they say.
when days slip past you find fewer first times and more second, third, fourth..i-forgot-how-many times
and you start to feel fearless
u've fell. u've cried. u came to realise. u pick yourself up and walk back into life. wondering when your tears will come for a visit agen. wondering why things that used to break you no longer matter
you became fearless.
the week to come is hurling pressure at me like a bully watching a kid drown in fear
but this time you are not the bully. i am not anymore the kid.

ciao fear, cause we are meant to fall lightly amongst the stars
chau

reaching up for the babyblue the mashmallows and their sweet confused mind

the way home

why its you baby rolling into my way

and will do it fearlessly. as i promised.