Nothing is all i know

initally i'd like to splatter angry bitter depressing words upon this innocent white canavas
i didnt know what exactly but SOMETHING pulled me back
is it the fading rebellion or the weary of revenge
or the inadequacy of words or the confusion of feelings
is it because patience replaced self-pity as days goes by as i grew up
or maybe its just because things that used to rule my world doesn't seem to matter anymore

so i gave up all the hoping expecting perfecting beliving
traded them for immunity towards disappointment frustration revenge self-pity
but today i spotted
this tiny crack on my wall of belief
oh and i actually thought it could endure the hurricane of dismissal

a tear fell somewhere down the abyss of heartaches
but so lightly it failed to wake the ripples

i'd like to believe
that for the past 17 years of every 365 days
i'd work to the best of my ability to make HIM proud, to be his pride.
yet his modest appreciation lavish disapprovals stirred up storms that shook raged shattered my ego confidence and the fragile relationship between us
everyday i looked into his eyes i saw only the reflection of imperfection
theres always something i did wrong
something i need to ammend
some punctuality i'd like to learn
some manners i'd failed to pick up
some past i'd never understand
some stupidity that defines an eighteen-year-old girl in the eyes of the father

theres always some questions i'd like to ask some answers that never manage to fill the gap
am i not good enough not even for once?
if you want a saint as the daughter can you just tell me what else i could have done
is it a new sin to eat cereal in the morning and not go to bed before midnite
would it be better if i just shut up and you do the lecturing
is it my fault that i know less about the world out there than you do
just because you've survived the second world war right before i was born






he asked if i'd like to share cheese in the fridge
i'd want to belive he'd actually liked cheese
i pretend i didn't think he cared
sometimes
even cheese can't stop the bleeding