"you promise we'll never come back?" " i promise."

when u find yourself wandering alone on a peopleless road at 1 in the morning smelling the hatred of knowing someone u once loved loved someone else seeing only teary trees wishing oh-if-only-someone-could-lift-the-weight-from-my-heart wondering if last year had been anything more than some mistakes and heartaches
then out in that nowhere
it surprises even the myself when all i can think of is this
the blog
the words
the silent written revenge
or maybe, better put, the long-due confession

why did i hear my own sobs felt my own tears when i heard that he almost kissed her the other night
its so predictable its almost what would and should have happened
its either him kissing someone or me falling into others embrace
its always just a game of who-gets-there-first
but as i tried to relate the spoken news into unseen reality
i felt these foreign waves of pain
washing out all other emotions on the inside
it started from the toes to the head
then came the cold limbs
the pounding sense of hunger
and an appetite bloated with mistakes regrets

it always begins with the pain
the pain from the loss and not-found
then almost immediately anger finds its place with the waterfall of tears
the rage of falling victim to believing oh so foolishly
that words like you-are-the-girl-of-my-dreams still exist
the anger of not knowing the formula of forgetting
instead got scratched and torn and wounded for merely believing for one more time its right to hold on and not let go
the worst part u wana know wut the worst part is
it is when all the answers to the questions directed themselves to the founder
it is exactly like how the needle of a compass always points to the north
the worst part is when u realise
u are north
u are the voices in ur head
u are the one who hoped who got urself hurt who fall head over heels for the wrong person

i need no are-u-okays. i need no miracles. i need no other shoulder no other helping hand
this time i need to pick myself up
replay the pain and remember it
remember the price i have to pay everytime i fall for another fairytale
the reason why no one deserves to be too happy
and no one too sad

for once fatigue became the best remedy
i wonder if it meant anything
if i meant anything
if everything meant anything
and the crumpled note was left unread
amongst the bushes where we once sneaked out
if only u got my words
if only it would make a difference

its best to say ciao when u know something just doesnt deserve forever

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