tears and rain

Maybe there are really some kind of people like us out there

who does not deserve the love

some chose to mask unhappiness with a smile

I wanted to believe in it, but I just cant

maybe being unhappy is just a state of mind

maybe my mind is too slow and small for a big world like this

if this is just the beginning of the hurt, then give me the armour to understand it all

maybe love is never a shield from the hurt 

i would like to think its a certain kind of space

the little free white space where you call it home and freedom

where you let the unhappiness roam, and the happiness reign

instead of waiting for the one who loves you in all your forms,

i need to learn to become one myself

so when there is a day 

when love becomes a need and less of a pleasure 

I can still call it home. 

look out of the window, where is the light?

i used to think its gonna be alright 

i used to think its gonna be better, the worst will be over before you know it 

but where did all this courage go?

maybe i spent it on the overpriced bags and shoes, or the overheated moments on fridays 

i thought love liberates, its just sorrowful and adds on the never ending list of worries

but maybe its better to be out in the jungle on your own

fight the fate until you are too tired to change whatever situation you got yourself into

why but did i let the people closest to me build my prison

today he told me he hated the place where he stayed, he said there are no bars on his window at home 

I told him, freedom comes at a price, and not one that a student can ever afford 

we smiled 

whoever told us knowledge liberates, are liars 

when time sets our mind free, its the world that makes our boundaries. 

then love the hurt, so it doesnt hurt no more

and love no one, until time decide not to wash our shadows away

she told me she wanted a room with windows 

we can't dream when we can't see the light 

don't you dare to shut that only window left in my world. 

 

effects of expression

it wasn't until i looked into his eyes that i realise

time really shows 

there were extra scars on his cheeks, the saggy skin under his once tough elbow, the little dandruffs that wasn't there ever before

I am only certain hes mine by the brand that was burnt on his left thigh. I did check. I am scared. 

Hes still that same young soul, frisky and unsettled by the smell of fresh carrots. 

I saw the same passion for the same thing. The unwillingness to yield, never a shameful or sorrowful glance

After devouring his orange prizes, he'll show his impatience. I wonder if he ever tried breaking out of his cell. 

He never look you in the eye when he know its time to say goodbye. He gave me and my sister a huge blow, or a snort. As if, simply, "girls".  

When I turned back, attempting to explain my guilt for not having been around, I found him gazing into the distance.

Why, when all is said and done. We tried not to look back. 

I heard him calling from his heart. 

the three musketeers

Today I talked to two respectable men

both of them have the most splendid smile I've ever seen,

one told me (smiling), his feet used to be less swollen then before, now he could not eat anything sweet

the other told me (smiling), he stopped thinking about his dream. He is happy with what he have, achieved and lacked.

I smiled, only because they did.

I hope I can be surrounded with people like these

young at heart, wise in the head, kind to look at.


I always believed you can only own something by working towards it.

The third man I met today told me, that primitive women are accustomed to collect fruits in the summer, for the sake of preparing for winter.

He said we are all flintstones at heart.

I winced at the thought, that time did not help us heal, but just made us more aware of the primitiveness within,

the difference between now and then,

the extra need of deception.

but have you ever experiemented with yourself

that no matter deliberate or not,

you are either deceiving or being deceived

so why not be your own Laika


It had been a hard 3 years,

but I believe I can walk out of it fast enough

before I get too weak to leave.

If I want to hold on, I need something to hold on to.

I still remember,

She asked, “ring or a coat?”

by whom?

A he?

Then coat. Never let the ring possess you, or worse, a person.

The coat, well, it has its intrinsic function where a ring does not possess

You can dress it up with a fur, dress it down with some jeans, undress it and still won't be stripped bare

Why there are things I’d rather not touch,

Better to watch and admire from a distance

When a ring fell, they count the coats in your closet.

When the coat falls, you feel lighter, as if you’ve shed the impeccable layer of nonsense

Don’t give me a promise, give me your warmth.

Something to hold onto

don't wait for yesterday to come around.

don't feel incompetent. - glass editor

I felt good, and ashamed. Why but if there is one word that could summarize my 3 years at uni,

it is the failure to embrace competence. an invisible standard built out of expectations.

its like trying to reach for what you should be, and falling uncontrollably into the abyss because, in fact, you are too incompetent to be yourself.

So I tried to search for another standard, and another and another.

everyday I felt worse, pained because of confusion; felt estranged because people who love me don't know the new me.

So I claimed to be the new nomad, with the wrong of labelling the path of growth a prolonged mistake

we danced and laughed like there is no tomorrow,

and still wished for a better tomorrow

until I know with this logic in head, I would most probably fail the 101 course on critical thinking


after dark, I have fallen many many times into my bear chair

wishing for a hug that could save me from the numbness,

the bear with no face.

We were first numbered, then named, then weighed and finally packed to be delivered.


howard said quarantine.

I said feel safe because you are tinted

believe that it cannot be the same,

but better.

when it is not hearsay, can evidence doubt love?

sniff
and i keep on telling myself its worth it

but sometimes I can't help but think I've found the wrong focus.
then I wish I can just flutter here and there like a butterfly
land a little too softly so I can always fly away when things go a little worse than expected

today I acted grown up.
for once no anger swell up inside.
I've let go.

I once was so very frantic that all could just go down from here
all the love, all the warmth, the faith, a mere feel good factor that feeds me throughout the days
and then I was left with no map, no guide, stranded and estranged.
I tried to hold on to anything, anyone, just something to keep me sane.


I found my marie, my bear chair and some lane crawfords and hmvs.

Until a lanecrawford decided to close down, an hmv decided to leave. I realise its not right to just try to hold on to things, let alone some people, some warmth, some mortar and bricks.

tangible not, one cannot live in the past. I decided to take a leap into the future

alone.


Then I found love,
when I decided the world is made up of individuals.
I thought, two can be a guardian of some kind of life.

Then I found myself coming back to this space, trying to find something else.
I used to be so excited about the unknown
until I feel safe only when the light goes out.

When one saw too much
one just want to breathe.


so I took a deep breath,
and flipped open the first page of the documents.

P.S no matter what, they had given us the love we deserve.
let us not doubt some fact as obvious as love.