為何仍是愛得隱隱作痛

we walked through my past.

its ridiculously funny how the road just unwinds itself tried telling its story in the dark

i didn't hear a thing he said

he didn't say it to me

when you've ran out of words ran out of touch ran out of breath tell me how to tell you whats happening right now right here

silence.

they all thought its the remedy.

i saw how silence killed some love

lets walk when its colder

so when some words do touch my soul, i can shiver it off and pretend its just the cold

its you

because your selfishness is my protection

because you are everything i am not and everything i am trying to get rid of

why still

because my selfishness feeds your guilt

so wrong

because we all want something we both don't want to give.

i wish i didn't know.

some best thing i haven't heard in a while

immersed myself in aquatic medium

maybe i can hear my thoughts better

it used to make me blush the pangs of guilt love shame washing upwards

until tears blur me vision

not any more

this time

i can look him in the eye and say whats on my mind

and then made a silent compromise

walking into a futureless reality

woke up, water dripping down my forelocks

i wrote what i cannot say

anticipated an ending. smiled. ready for whatevers ahead

some other reply

didn't change my mind

but its some best thing i haven't heard in a long time

i didn't come to savour whats said right and done wrong

just in case i wake up to another tomorrow

i had a very wonderful dream

a wandering mind

it was just supposed to be a causal stroll

through those words that once constructed my teeny universe

did words grew less effective

or did my world simply grew bigger

some dreams died, to make way for life

its easier that way.

though i am quite wrong. because everything only gets a little more difficult.

to smile to cry

everything seem to matter a little less

because there are others who meant much more

sometimes, just a very minute bit of moment

i wonder what really happened

i felt guilty for disrupting his world

i had my fair share of fun

and my equally fair share of pain

we are left bruised and confused

of whats awaiting

it would be more beautiful if its simpler

if you delve too deep

you'll just find yourself with a handful of nothingness

so stop where its still sweet and simple

these days

the only thing that still gives me goosebumps

tis the lingering feeling of that embrace

if you need sth to kick start the morning...i am here

Don't look back in anger

and after all, it takes just oasis to bring me back here

a land of memories

of tears in smiles

of pain in the rain

of wrongness stupidity ignorance

but oh how i wish

its as easy to stay foolish

as steve said

last year today

i am perfectly happy typing away alone in this little corner of bliss

blissful because i felt the possibilities of youth

when love is still a luxury and not yet a necessity

at least thats how it felt

beatles are right when they say

yesterday

when he told me we've been there done that and its time to let go

I believed

that no matter how much love how much pain

tried to burn out the flick of youth

time will heal

memories will be replaced

we will eventually forget

the worst and remember the rest

for now

i'll try

to love those who loved me

to forsake those who abused my love

my love,

tell me

how to keep love strong when life gets crazy

but why, we are just human

today, i discovered something sad
the saddest part is, its always her smile that triggers my pain
its mad
i know
but i hate every single part of her
its as if our happiness is mutually exclusive
and never shared
stop it.
this is starting to sound evil.
I thought I am everything but, but no, I'm just human.


A little part of me knows I'm responsible for everything
for his mourning her naggings his silence her fury
I am dumb enough to believe he actually meant well
sometimes I wish I can continue to play dumb
so my fairy tale will not collapse on me and suffocate the stars
as if tearing alone is not painful enough
god invented something called truth.

truth is, we are still given the privilege to dream
dream big, live humble; act mature, think young
did they ever consider
the consequences of liberty
of democracy, of change
that its a finite piece of space

they mould our thoughts, so we become warriors of maybes
all armed up, crusades of ideals
until the world worn us out
stripped us down to our bare selves
and we stood there, naked, embarassed, ashamed
for who we are

because, in the end, we are all human.

101 on growing up

i used to not be afraid of anything
of trying of failing of feeling

now because some stupid self said she wants to know more to know it all
and now she've seen it she's scared
of becoming of choosing of learning of believing

all the elements needed to make her grow
she keeps on turning the pages
reminicisng the smiles wondering wuts the secret behind
she forgot time goes forward and no ones left behind

she was soaked in tears torn and pained
wants to know the way back again
and maybe this time
oh just this time
she can finally learn

its time to grow

its raining its pouring

my muse told me
dont be afraid,
of knowing
of trying
of making mistakes

i feel so sick of myself
of doing all the above
it makes me want to run and hide
in memories of yesterday

i tried doing the same things that used to leave me speechlessly enchanted
but the harder i rummage, the harder i fall
into icy cold relfections of reality
and shadows of missing smiles

if this place is perfect
why am i only smiling in my dreams