we are born to forget.

my quarantine

a day ago
i thought l-o-v-e should be spelt p-a-i-n
so i cried
and cried
and cried
until my heart tell me
it hurt enough
now you deserved it

a day later
i realise l-o-v-e is spelt m-e
it doesnt take two to love
it takes a big heart
some 6 year-old's eyes
legs thats strong enough to pick one up after a fall
and arms to carry the world

maybe one day you'd change the rules of the game
without me knowing
i'd be thankful for the silence you've chosen
i never really see the need to waste words
to sugar-coat a beautiful truth
if you don't love me no more
i promise
i will be happy because you did.


they say it come and goes
sometimes like a ninja sometimes a whirlwind
sometimes you turn my world upside down
everytime
i have to turn myself downside up to make it all right
or i'll drown in my own pain
this time
there's no right side
theres only time and space
so u and i can create
a new dimension


i told natalie over bbm
i'm happy because you are. for the first and very first time in my life
i can stand on my own
on my own
then i realise
there are still many first times
first time i learn to smile
when my mother told me with tears in her eyes "gona spend more time with grandma aye?"
first time i feel physical pain
taking off my earring
first time i feel
like i'm being myself again


i thought i'd lost myself
in time
the day i stepped into claridges
wheres home
wheres everything that helped spelt s-a-f-e in my world?

with she gone he gone they left she fell in love he fell out of love he went to court i went to work
she dropped out of school we cried because of school we missed highschool she hated highschool mum cried dad hide i loved he drank we smoked we kissed i said fuck u you said u too i said morning he got tired of this i waited he advised i smiled he smiled

if i can objectify how being 19 should be
it should be madness
with a tint of strawberry smile
this is where he said

"underneath the smoky eyes, always give yourself a blend of roman holiday and little darling"

today, i refused to grow up.

today, i called in sick at work
because taylor swift told me not to grow up
and that 19 is not too young to be messed with.
today i am being 18 again
and god it felt so. so good.

singing-a-long to some speaknow in the car
complimented criticized some wrongly priced rightly placed motorbike jacket
touched the oh-my-gwad 3.1 philliplim clog
and decided its better-off stepping down for the winter
otherwise
some jap had a happy time showering me with colours
and the roman holiday with moon fleet caught my heart like your eyes did
looking like some bruised eye princess
and danced danced twirled off for a piece of redbean tofu cake
the lime tart taste better without the lime
oopps and doops and we piqued back into the car
had an enthralling convo over whos righter
the guy who dumped her or her who left him
who cares. we all make mistakes. we all lived.

so who says we need to profit some frigging airline to feel fly
i did today
with only two bruised eyes.

maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame

weird typing away in an outbox, writing an email wondering who the recipient should be
that lonely huh?
yup. that alone.
wrote 2 emails which were supposedly blog material.
thankyou office for blocking blog.
working in a law firm learning about freedom of speech no?

sometimes all i wanted to do
is to fold myself up
curl, to become smaller and smaller
until i can be invincible to all the pain the rain the games the lies the hurt
or let them go by
without realising
they left a victim astray

i want to take photos with my eyes
with the most innocent lens
maybe blur the reality a little with a little too much tears

i want to bring a soundtrack into every step i take
from the moment i open my eyes straining against the morning sun
let the lyrics the tune the harmony embrace me
so that my soul can dance
even if my body cant

i want you to know i want the world to know
that being myself is not insanity
that growing up is pain
that i am not too young to be messed with

i want to love to beloved to understand
but where's your hand
in my memories it slipped away
or it may not have been there in the first place

i want john lennon's milk and honey
i want robbie williams shame
i want taylor swift's dear john
i want abby lee's peroxide hair
i want tommy the superman
i want an escape

everyone's telling me this is wrong
to want a gap year is wrong
to not study is wrong
to love is wrong
to dream is wrong
but, lemme tell you a secret. i think all of it is damn right.

tell me: are you my stem or my thorn

a picture's worth a thousand words.
today
i give you three.
but they still cant replace the
three words

you know what i mean.


if only you do.

credits to weliveyoung




p.s. words. pictures. something's still missing no? yup, you're right. its taylorswift today.

irreplacable.

something happened
some people met
some feelings understood
sometimes it amazes me
how
things fall into place
i hope, this time, i wont be replaced.

enough about life.
lets look at how Daniel Libeskind
and his house that fell on earth:

The House that Fell on Earth

the house that only comprise 2000sq feet with no square rooms.

its THE bedroom.

concept: a ribbon that creates, links the spaces

credits to W magazine art issue

Connecting the dots

after two hours of needed sleep
i woke up realising
the answer to "whats the saddest fact"

the fact that
even if you are telling the truth
no one believes

(sorry, interrupted by yoga)

scenario one:
there was once when i failed my biology common test
i remember it was the year when i have to take my HKCEE
i took it pretty hard
never in my life had i been labelled FAILED with some numbers
(well except the time when i cried and cried because someone gave my jay chou concert seat away. that is truly AN EXCEPTION)
i remember deliberately holding my test paper at the edge
trying to hide the shame in between my fingers
then someone approached and asked me this ridiculous question
"how did you do?"
"bad. real bad"
"now u are really kidding me. your bad is my good"
that hurts a little more than the failed number.
but i let silence had its way


scenario 2:
i was talking to him one day
he asked me this ridiculous question
"how much do you love me"
" i love you"
"you didn't say it like you mean it"
" but i do mean it. why do i have to proof myself"
it breaks my heart, when he doesn't hear my words with his heart anymore


scenario 3:
we were talking, we have 10 minutes til the end of court break
critically discuss this statement:
"在寶馬內面哭, 好過坐在單車後面笑
he said
"there's one thing that is not in dispute: being in possession of money at least solves the problem of money itself"
i said
"money brings with it new headaches"
he said
"but food cannot bring hunger!"
i said
"but being bloated doesn't make one feel any better"
(10 minutes later. court is in session once again)
we went off with different values.
but i swear i'm telling the truth.


when i'm young,
there are two sorts of entertainment that helps kill time
1. colouring book
2. connecting the dots


today,
i am playing with the latter.