norwegian wood afterthought

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
— Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

:)

due to 9 degree Celsius
i succumbed to socks.

worn out by the cold. its a love-hate relationship. i love how the freezing air frosts all feelings. for a week, my heart felt numb. you can poke it break it tear it and i don't feel a thing. i used to think winter's the time when the we feel most needy. for that hug for the warmth for the company. maybe its the best time for heartaches since, oh-well, you don't feel too much of anything anyways.

last night, someone's voice left me warm and snuggly.

oh before i start wondering if you really meant what you said, i just want you to know

you made me smile.

goodnite love. sleep tight and sweet dreams.

i'll blame it on the cold

ok. i'll blame it on the cold.

usually i'd die for the little anxiety the little affection the agony from your silence

and since when did i began to feel afraid

of too much love too much truth too much smile

i don't understand why the things i used to like don't stirr my heart like they used to. then i find myself going through the pain of looking for new heartaches. how i wish it'd be more simple.

had an amazing afternoon chillaxing with an old friend, small talking about life and making up new blabber such as once in a whiles. we both agreed that the pain will go and we will find what we deserve. its just a matter of numbers - time and people in between.

i guess in the end, we all know who's the most favourite. pity is, hes not a keeper. truth is, love is never found in keepers. we are all children who eventually get tired of their favourite toys.

talking about toys. today i ran through a bunch of them. the old me will begin reminiscing. the new me simply starts replacing memories with spaces. yes. i prefer cold empty spaces than tangible tear-attracting trashy memories.

because when one day i decide to forget, i'd just wipe out this blog. words are easier to handle.

i surprised myself when i told a certain he through e-mail: i was never good with feelings.

i simply toy with them, give them a cuddle and leave like it never happened.

i thought everything was way better before me came along. i thought the beginnings are always happier than the ends. in the beginning, it all began with an "I" then some "he" crashed into our lives and somehow it ended up being a "we" but usually not for long.

please tell me how to put up with your imperfections. i can't even stand my own.

it happened.

what happened?

when denial became the norm and plan Bs start replacing plan As and you never get to see those who matter but those you don't give a shit starts plaguing your time, you lost track of sanity

no, its not a matter of fact that your heart failed to give you answers. its either you're too much of a blabber to listen, or you're too much of a coward to give in to the wants and not to the shoulds. or maybe you are just too used to being let down it doesn't matter anymore eh?

to those who made the last month of last year livable: you are the stars of my universe.

i used to think that when the shooting stars leave my soul stranded, thats the time when the hollowness sinks in.

but fortunately and unfortunately, i've gotten to like this solitude.

i thought i told you i m worn out by my own smiles.



til then, lets love like it never hurt.

morning blabber

a week ago, tugged safely away in my little heaven, i got used to jumping out of the white covers walking into the barelylit dawn. the cloudless skies are still turning in its sleep, i love leaving dimples along the shores.

i listened to the sea breathe.

the wind whispered.

i closed my eyes.

my mind is blank.

i let the tides wash away the pain. i forgot.

i walked all the back. i couldn't find the memories.

i loved. i lived.

morning, world.

lost but found

today, i found something i've lost.

it all began with a good loaf of raisin rye from Ceres Boulangerie et patisserie, smoking hot, promising and with love from my muse. i can't remember since when did sitting on the kitchen counter bathing in the morning sun small talking with the other half who shared my love for flour felt oh-so-right. maybe all the super sad love songs drowned out the other kinds of love.

some 5 days spent with family in a heavenly maldives began with dreadful expectations. it would be an overstatement if i said i hesitated before prioritizing family over..him and the fun and the hypercrazy sober-less life. but sometimes things just fall into place without expectations' hindering.

some kind of love just come and go (and they are usually those you thought most important); others silently sit wait and wish it'll cure you when you're in pain.

today began with some loaf of rye and ended with more. nothing beats dad's angelic smile when the light wheat rye descended from its iron cage. the warm smell the sweet laughs the shared love.

happy new year


p.s. my new year resolution: drive more frequently to Ceres Boulangerie et patisserie so maybe (oh plessshhh) i could bump into this amazing man who turned my mornings into heaven...

new

lets pretend, it all ended with the year that passed. new year, new start eh?
so i'd begin the year with the NEWs:

starting with

a new haircut

a new hole puncher

some new emotions

a new breakfast

and perhaps a new you.


p.s. if u can pretend to forget, i can pretend to live you-less. how harder can that be?