its only been two days
but i felt as if two millennium has passed
until the tulips in my room began to blossom
i've told myself
when my babies grow, i will as well
and i guess
this is how the world works
today, i ran into Michael Casker's PET CLOUD project
and it was, again, love at first sight
oh if i could only poke at the fluffiness the white the eyes
i'd die with bliss
(janyway, just to say, : i feel like walking on clouds today)
i guess
i got used to it all
really. that's what my muse (akhem... mum) told me after her morning brunch with the miss lovely who took me under her wings while i encounter my first paid-experience
she said
something i ought to have known all along but am really,genuinely, bind to it all.
she said
"oh but misunderstanding is in the eyes of the beholder"
(tried to beautify it Shakespearian style)
and was it not
cant be any truer
if so, then let the beholders remorse
and let me live
without bothering who why whut when how
i just want my pet cloud
my couldnt-be-any-lovelier-tlf told me a day agp
"but this is merely the glamour above all the unspeakable ugliness and sadness"
and if it cant be of any help
LAND LAW finally come to my rescue
its just, as a matter of fact-ness, a matter of
priority
should we sugarcoat reality or
poke the bubble of bliss and let down our quarantine
just to build another stronger qurantine
so we can be immune
naturally
instead of artificially
against all the sins of humankind
after this ride
i thot i will end up being as sinister as those around me
they call it conformity
i guess a part of me had this natural resistance towards conformity
not anything in particular (mind u, not attention seeking-ness. no generalization here)
but a desire to be unique
one-of-a-kind
if i rip off all the labels
its just a mere
love to be myself
dont tell me its wrong. you know it isnt in the very best sense.
so, as blair had said oh-so-perfectly-right again,
since i've been following my head for 18 years
i guess its finally time
to let go of all the worries of consequences
and just pick up one ounce of courage left in me
to follow my heart
p.s. charlie chaplin said (in my tweeter) ,
maybe everyone is laughing when i'm crying.
maybe the reason why i care is cause the inner me is laughing at my stupidity as well
but the diesel campaign (shot by the proud blogger of weliveyoung) said it all
i dont feel the pain i used to
from knowing you wont and couldn't ever love me the way i'd like you to
but even if you did
it wouldn't change anything
and the natural being in us,
will move on
and realise
the person who loved you all along
deserved your love
too.
11.25.2010
a promise of love
"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery.
And today?
Today is a gift.
That's why we call it the present."
tomorrow is a mystery.
And today?
Today is a gift.
That's why we call it the present."
11.19.2010
有些事你不必問 有些人你不必等
we are sitting in my favourite snugglespot
it was around nine
he was sitting across me
when he told me
"you know nothing about yourself"
i didnt realise how disturbing that little line felt
until 3 seconds ago
when i open my eyes after an half an hour nap
and surprised myself
from never having felt so good
i found out i need exactly 6 hours of sleep to fuel up my daily activities
that wearing a suit makes me feel stronger
that red is DEFINETLY NOT my colour
that it makes me feel two times sleepier when i let my hair down
and that i should either put on eyeliner/ mascara but NOT both
i found out i need music to heal not hynotize me
that i need silence more than words
that the reason behind it all: loneliness
that no matter how many nights you spent out and about, mum always know the right way to bring you back
(this time: sevva crunch cake)
that it is very selfish and wrong for 'em to play with our hearts
and they should go play with barbies instead
i found out that stockings are not made for me
i feel so much more myself in jeans and clogs
i found out watching football alone is stupid
but watching it with your beloved is suberb
i found out you dont have to try too hard for everything
because answers just come to its seeker
like when eleanor waldolf said
"you dont have to lose the girl to be the woman"
i found out the golden rule to life
comes in dual:
1. do something you don't like everyday, so you'll get use to the pain
2. do something wrong so you'll recognize the right way
p.s. never stop talking to your mum. she's god's muse to us.
it was around nine
he was sitting across me
when he told me
"you know nothing about yourself"
i didnt realise how disturbing that little line felt
until 3 seconds ago
when i open my eyes after an half an hour nap
and surprised myself
from never having felt so good
i found out i need exactly 6 hours of sleep to fuel up my daily activities
that wearing a suit makes me feel stronger
that red is DEFINETLY NOT my colour
that it makes me feel two times sleepier when i let my hair down
and that i should either put on eyeliner/ mascara but NOT both
i found out i need music to heal not hynotize me
that i need silence more than words
that the reason behind it all: loneliness
that no matter how many nights you spent out and about, mum always know the right way to bring you back
(this time: sevva crunch cake)
that it is very selfish and wrong for 'em to play with our hearts
and they should go play with barbies instead
i found out that stockings are not made for me
i feel so much more myself in jeans and clogs
i found out watching football alone is stupid
but watching it with your beloved is suberb
i found out you dont have to try too hard for everything
because answers just come to its seeker
like when eleanor waldolf said
"you dont have to lose the girl to be the woman"
i found out the golden rule to life
comes in dual:
1. do something you don't like everyday, so you'll get use to the pain
2. do something wrong so you'll recognize the right way
p.s. never stop talking to your mum. she's god's muse to us.
11.14.2010
i'm singing someone else's song
i once wrote
"we are born to forget"
we are
and though according to the new canon nikon ads
which never fail to indoctrinate us
the fact that every moment can be captured by images of themselves
(aka everyone with a DC100 in their embrace claiming to preserve youth)
i'd chosen to carry with me my eyes
and my heart
and note all of this down
in alphabets
and i tell u
its like running
u can do without shoes
to remember
you can do without your iphone your blackberry your imac your DC100
just carry your heart
and pay your blog an occasional visit
and pour all your thoughts your misunderstandings your tears into this little white space
and leave
only by clicking "publish post"
and pretend all this didn't happen. no, did anything happen?
so where do i begin?
lemme tell u where it ended. its more clear and less of a deception
it ended with too much tears in the corner of the bathroom
messy thoughts splattered on the floor
me frantically trying to pick out the "good" ones from the "bad"
before putting them back into my mind
so that the tap to tears can be turned
and i can emerge out of the bathroom
a different person
a "happier" person
maybe only a girl who smiled and claimed "no, dont worry. i didn't cry"
now i tell you wut happened
yesterday, when manu lost 2 goals to aston villa at ard 58
my little bro stomped off, head buried in hands, and left me alone memorised with the yellow ball
(yup. THE BALL IS YELLOW)
and not until ard 70, not until i screamed "2-2!" did he come out and we can make conservation again
so i learnt: to make my brother speak = wait for the first man-u goal.
lets pray that 'em chelsea get stoned.
dinner. the hardest part of the day.
at our place, its like eating under surveillance
dad kept moaning about the teeth the money-minded docs
mom kept screening the food making sure they were all gone before people realise she's not eating
and today i got the blame for not drinking soup
and i thought after 3 months of this she understands
then i realise
well. understanding is just like feeling happy
we are all decepted from the start
we don't OWN happiness. we never will.
according to the american constitution, its always and only always will be "THE PURSUIT" of happiness
according to the little talk i had with some on friday night,
happiness is merely a perception. and after you realise its merely a deception, you've got to live without it through a little inception.
who knows wuts next
maybe some of us would jump off the ledge like marion cotillard did
at least, even at the verge of leaving this world,
she BELIEVED it was still for
the pursuit of happiness.
its funny how
the "favourites" that got into my list in my ipad
were no longer favourites anymore
i remember not understanding how one can stop loving their ex-es
ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife etc...
i thought there should always be a general principle for declaration of love
or at least, justification for your actions
i love her/ i married her/ i went out with her because ____________
but in the end
the justification is always
ARBITRATION
then even the common law jurisdictions themselves
condemned the rigidity of RULES
but please tell me im wrong
when i said the circularity of it all:
is that you cant condemn water for being a liquid
when you realise you cant hold it anymore within your reach
you can't condemn love for being irrational
when its only the irrational who deserved it
you can't condemn me for being unpredictable
when unpredictableness defines me
you can't condemn me for not being happy
when there is nothing out there that deserves my smile
then u know wut they do?
they start lowering their standards
like inflation.
so then everything becomes "good"
like the popularity of university education
food. living spaces
and then people like me become more confused
when 1/2 out there possess piano-skills of concerto level
girls and boys at f.5 got themselves named after stars
but none of them could be appreciated
in the starless nights of this city
mum said "don't put too much on your heart. he didn't meant it. he loves you too much"
so tell me:
does the definition of love survive time?
is the love he told me when he was 50 the same as the love he is showing me when hes 70?
i kept telling myself:
its not him who changed. its the receiver who failed to tune her antenna
maybe his love for me never changed
maybe its just me and my teenage tantrums
interfering with the radiowaves of love
please let me believe this is right.
i know its lame to quote lyrics
but when you get judged with everything you said these days
its never wrong to play safe
just by playing sing-a-long
so when they tried to judge to decept to hurt
just tell 'em
i'm singing someone else's song
"we are born to forget"
we are
and though according to the new canon nikon ads
which never fail to indoctrinate us
the fact that every moment can be captured by images of themselves
(aka everyone with a DC100 in their embrace claiming to preserve youth)
i'd chosen to carry with me my eyes
and my heart
and note all of this down
in alphabets
and i tell u
its like running
u can do without shoes
to remember
you can do without your iphone your blackberry your imac your DC100
just carry your heart
and pay your blog an occasional visit
and pour all your thoughts your misunderstandings your tears into this little white space
and leave
only by clicking "publish post"
and pretend all this didn't happen. no, did anything happen?
so where do i begin?
lemme tell u where it ended. its more clear and less of a deception
it ended with too much tears in the corner of the bathroom
messy thoughts splattered on the floor
me frantically trying to pick out the "good" ones from the "bad"
before putting them back into my mind
so that the tap to tears can be turned
and i can emerge out of the bathroom
a different person
a "happier" person
maybe only a girl who smiled and claimed "no, dont worry. i didn't cry"
now i tell you wut happened
yesterday, when manu lost 2 goals to aston villa at ard 58
my little bro stomped off, head buried in hands, and left me alone memorised with the yellow ball
(yup. THE BALL IS YELLOW)
and not until ard 70, not until i screamed "2-2!" did he come out and we can make conservation again
so i learnt: to make my brother speak = wait for the first man-u goal.
lets pray that 'em chelsea get stoned.
dinner. the hardest part of the day.
at our place, its like eating under surveillance
dad kept moaning about the teeth the money-minded docs
mom kept screening the food making sure they were all gone before people realise she's not eating
and today i got the blame for not drinking soup
and i thought after 3 months of this she understands
then i realise
well. understanding is just like feeling happy
we are all decepted from the start
we don't OWN happiness. we never will.
according to the american constitution, its always and only always will be "THE PURSUIT" of happiness
according to the little talk i had with some on friday night,
happiness is merely a perception. and after you realise its merely a deception, you've got to live without it through a little inception.
who knows wuts next
maybe some of us would jump off the ledge like marion cotillard did
at least, even at the verge of leaving this world,
she BELIEVED it was still for
the pursuit of happiness.
its funny how
the "favourites" that got into my list in my ipad
were no longer favourites anymore
i remember not understanding how one can stop loving their ex-es
ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife etc...
i thought there should always be a general principle for declaration of love
or at least, justification for your actions
i love her/ i married her/ i went out with her because ____________
but in the end
the justification is always
ARBITRATION
then even the common law jurisdictions themselves
condemned the rigidity of RULES
but please tell me im wrong
when i said the circularity of it all:
is that you cant condemn water for being a liquid
when you realise you cant hold it anymore within your reach
you can't condemn love for being irrational
when its only the irrational who deserved it
you can't condemn me for being unpredictable
when unpredictableness defines me
you can't condemn me for not being happy
when there is nothing out there that deserves my smile
then u know wut they do?
they start lowering their standards
like inflation.
so then everything becomes "good"
like the popularity of university education
food. living spaces
and then people like me become more confused
when 1/2 out there possess piano-skills of concerto level
girls and boys at f.5 got themselves named after stars
but none of them could be appreciated
in the starless nights of this city
mum said "don't put too much on your heart. he didn't meant it. he loves you too much"
so tell me:
does the definition of love survive time?
is the love he told me when he was 50 the same as the love he is showing me when hes 70?
i kept telling myself:
its not him who changed. its the receiver who failed to tune her antenna
maybe his love for me never changed
maybe its just me and my teenage tantrums
interfering with the radiowaves of love
please let me believe this is right.
i know its lame to quote lyrics
but when you get judged with everything you said these days
its never wrong to play safe
just by playing sing-a-long
so when they tried to judge to decept to hurt
just tell 'em
i'm singing someone else's song
11.11.2010
dont forget to breathe
crack
a tear fell
some hearts broken
some time gone.
these days i had enough
crying for myself crying for him crying for her
she told me she cant breathe
too suffocated by life
she told me she cant trust
too fooled by love
tell me
how many gallons of tears do i she he we have to shed
until we become invincible numb heartless to it all?
from the moment i picked the apple
from the eden gardens
i gave up everything i had
for the sake of knowing
now that i knew
but the gates to eden are forever closed
we are exiled
from happiness
i used to laugh at eve. laugh at her shame her ambition her stupidity
but aren't we all eve at some point in life?
i once blamed her for the original sin
now i learnt
blame no one
because on top of the original one
we'll add a lot more to the list
these days i learnt to breathe
in a different vacuum
called solidity
p.s. pygmy seahorses are one of the most wondrous males on earth. please let one wriggle out of the sea and come to me.
a tear fell
some hearts broken
some time gone.
these days i had enough
crying for myself crying for him crying for her
she told me she cant breathe
too suffocated by life
she told me she cant trust
too fooled by love
tell me
how many gallons of tears do i she he we have to shed
until we become invincible numb heartless to it all?
from the moment i picked the apple
from the eden gardens
i gave up everything i had
for the sake of knowing
now that i knew
but the gates to eden are forever closed
we are exiled
from happiness
i used to laugh at eve. laugh at her shame her ambition her stupidity
but aren't we all eve at some point in life?
i once blamed her for the original sin
now i learnt
blame no one
because on top of the original one
we'll add a lot more to the list
these days i learnt to breathe
in a different vacuum
called solidity
p.s. pygmy seahorses are one of the most wondrous males on earth. please let one wriggle out of the sea and come to me.
11.09.2010
my antidote
so far
good music
chic styling
impressive pictorials
and amazing cover
antidote's first issue. i hope it really works like it sounds.
good music
chic styling
impressive pictorials
and amazing cover
antidote's first issue. i hope it really works like it sounds.
11.07.2010
toy
i hate receiving phone calls from him
his voice sounded like the annoying 8 am alarm from my blackberry
literally shaking me from the stardusts the remains of my dream
even though the most recent one i had
should fall into the nightmare category
these days there's just nothing too perfect nothing too simple
too much of a mixture
too short a glimpse of a smile
before the rain of tears fall
like a veil
making sure that wut happened between us
stays as blurry as possible
so that maybe some lonely friday
when i decide to rummage through some memories
i can still pretend its beautiful
i wanted to shout
fuck 'em who thinks idealists should be condemned
so what if u knows everything
because you also know
that nothing can be changed
my mom said ignorance is a gift
my dad said you are everything stupid
i said i am a stupid girl who thought she is in love but she isnt
wut am i to you
does the answer even matter to me
do i even matter
do u matter
what matters anymore these days
when showing up late for a seminar and walking right out on your professor and having only been to one chinese law lecture so far and extending your own lunch break and walking your dog for 3 hrs and making cookies for a guy i dont even care about happens
dont ask me why
because when you start mismatching your actions with the subjects
this is why
to love the wrong guy to kiss the right one to smile to your enemy and curse your lover
and say you dont mind but you do and get mixed up like a banana smoothie
please tell me
i dont care being called stupid
so that i can still say i love you and not feel the weight of blood and bandages
but tbh
when he said it all too clearly in the phone
im just your toy
i believed.
p.s. the first song that came to my mind is maroon 5's ragdoll (not too surprisingly) but i decided to keep it local. and thats how we do it these days. the chinese way.
his voice sounded like the annoying 8 am alarm from my blackberry
literally shaking me from the stardusts the remains of my dream
even though the most recent one i had
should fall into the nightmare category
these days there's just nothing too perfect nothing too simple
too much of a mixture
too short a glimpse of a smile
before the rain of tears fall
like a veil
making sure that wut happened between us
stays as blurry as possible
so that maybe some lonely friday
when i decide to rummage through some memories
i can still pretend its beautiful
i wanted to shout
fuck 'em who thinks idealists should be condemned
so what if u knows everything
because you also know
that nothing can be changed
my mom said ignorance is a gift
my dad said you are everything stupid
i said i am a stupid girl who thought she is in love but she isnt
wut am i to you
does the answer even matter to me
do i even matter
do u matter
what matters anymore these days
when showing up late for a seminar and walking right out on your professor and having only been to one chinese law lecture so far and extending your own lunch break and walking your dog for 3 hrs and making cookies for a guy i dont even care about happens
dont ask me why
because when you start mismatching your actions with the subjects
this is why
to love the wrong guy to kiss the right one to smile to your enemy and curse your lover
and say you dont mind but you do and get mixed up like a banana smoothie
please tell me
i dont care being called stupid
so that i can still say i love you and not feel the weight of blood and bandages
but tbh
when he said it all too clearly in the phone
im just your toy
i believed.
p.s. the first song that came to my mind is maroon 5's ragdoll (not too surprisingly) but i decided to keep it local. and thats how we do it these days. the chinese way.
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