a new heaven

i read and there were tears in my heart

i understand the grief mum is feeling now. i feel it in my very bones
how will it feel, i wonder, if i have nothing to convince even myself that i am worth of something i want?

its not about the fight anymore. its about the fuss
about being who the world want you to be
so that you'd be "of value" in the eyes of the world's competition
and as i start slipping and falling
i realise
you will only realise, when you stop being at the top, the unfairness of it all
like the ridiculous GPA requirement for exchange to wut, nottingham?!
then let me be.
i had 18 years to prove myself
i guess its time to let others get a taste of it


and then, at this turning point in life
i pursued another vocation
(yup. workaholic is tatooed over my bones)
a vocation of "understanding"
i've mastered the skill a bit better than before
so that now, when i listened to cheryl cole telling me its better to lie
my heart felt sad along with the truth in the lyrics and melody and everything beautiful

then, i realise
when i thought i cried my heart out because a boy left me because my heart got thrown around like a rag doll because i felt like i left my family for 2 years straight and couldn't find the door in anymore because all that i cared about left when i left
someone is singing out her courage to live a new life when her 4 year husband left her
with a pile of lies of hurt of shame of pieces of heartbreak

what does a girl like me have anything to cry for anymore?
believe me
it just sounds so stupid


i realise i cry more than average people does
and thats because when god made me
he forgot to add in the little emotion called anger
so for me:
its either happy or sad.
and usually anger falls into the latter category

when the drills overshadows my music
tears filled my eyes
and i start throwing things around
chairs pens markers tables papers mistletoes


and then i realise
i made myself a new heaven
now i am reading under snowflakes surrounded by mistletoes and latter a new christmas tree

he is not replying me anymore
maybe today will be tomorrow's history
like every other story
its just a little harder this time
i need a stronger dose than taylor swift's innocence this time to get through the hurt
so sorry for the overdose of cheryl cole

may the merriness follow us
with the countdown of the advent calender from sherbourne

we will continue the fight
for what we want is always worth fighting for.