i'm singing someone else's song

i once wrote
"we are born to forget"
we are
and though according to the new canon nikon ads
which never fail to indoctrinate us
the fact that every moment can be captured by images of themselves
(aka everyone with a DC100 in their embrace claiming to preserve youth)
i'd chosen to carry with me my eyes
and my heart
and note all of this down
in alphabets
and i tell u
its like running
u can do without shoes
to remember
you can do without your iphone your blackberry your imac your DC100
just carry your heart
and pay your blog an occasional visit
and pour all your thoughts your misunderstandings your tears into this little white space
and leave
only by clicking "publish post"
and pretend all this didn't happen. no, did anything happen?



so where do i begin?
lemme tell u where it ended. its more clear and less of a deception
it ended with too much tears in the corner of the bathroom
messy thoughts splattered on the floor
me frantically trying to pick out the "good" ones from the "bad"
before putting them back into my mind
so that the tap to tears can be turned
and i can emerge out of the bathroom
a different person
a "happier" person
maybe only a girl who smiled and claimed "no, dont worry. i didn't cry"

now i tell you wut happened
yesterday, when manu lost 2 goals to aston villa at ard 58
my little bro stomped off, head buried in hands, and left me alone memorised with the yellow ball
(yup. THE BALL IS YELLOW)
and not until ard 70, not until i screamed "2-2!" did he come out and we can make conservation again
so i learnt: to make my brother speak = wait for the first man-u goal.
lets pray that 'em chelsea get stoned.

dinner. the hardest part of the day.
at our place, its like eating under surveillance
dad kept moaning about the teeth the money-minded docs
mom kept screening the food making sure they were all gone before people realise she's not eating
and today i got the blame for not drinking soup
and i thought after 3 months of this she understands
then i realise
well. understanding is just like feeling happy
we are all decepted from the start
we don't OWN happiness. we never will.
according to the american constitution, its always and only always will be "THE PURSUIT" of happiness
according to the little talk i had with some on friday night,
happiness is merely a perception. and after you realise its merely a deception, you've got to live without it through a little inception.

who knows wuts next
maybe some of us would jump off the ledge like marion cotillard did
at least, even at the verge of leaving this world,
she BELIEVED it was still for
the pursuit of happiness.


its funny how
the "favourites" that got into my list in my ipad
were no longer favourites anymore
i remember not understanding how one can stop loving their ex-es
ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-wife etc...
i thought there should always be a general principle for declaration of love
or at least, justification for your actions
i love her/ i married her/ i went out with her because ____________
but in the end
the justification is always
ARBITRATION
then even the common law jurisdictions themselves
condemned the rigidity of RULES


but please tell me im wrong
when i said the circularity of it all:
is that you cant condemn water for being a liquid
when you realise you cant hold it anymore within your reach

you can't condemn love for being irrational
when its only the irrational who deserved it

you can't condemn me for being unpredictable
when unpredictableness defines me

you can't condemn me for not being happy
when there is nothing out there that deserves my smile

then u know wut they do?
they start lowering their standards
like inflation.
so then everything becomes "good"
like the popularity of university education
food. living spaces

and then people like me become more confused
when 1/2 out there possess piano-skills of concerto level
girls and boys at f.5 got themselves named after stars
but none of them could be appreciated
in the starless nights of this city

mum said "don't put too much on your heart. he didn't meant it. he loves you too much"
so tell me:
does the definition of love survive time?
is the love he told me when he was 50 the same as the love he is showing me when hes 70?
i kept telling myself:
its not him who changed. its the receiver who failed to tune her antenna
maybe his love for me never changed
maybe its just me and my teenage tantrums
interfering with the radiowaves of love
please let me believe this is right.


i know its lame to quote lyrics
but when you get judged with everything you said these days
its never wrong to play safe
just by playing sing-a-long


so when they tried to judge to decept to hurt
just tell 'em
i'm singing someone else's song