The present is a gift for a reason

did you ever find yourself reminiscing about the tomorrows
as illogical as it may sound
I swear we all did at least once. or almost once every end of the year
esp around this time when we find ourselves dealing with cert examination finale last year of IB final moments of college and always ( too emotionally carried away) found ourselves making a great deal out of the remaining minutes of youth of fun of i-dont-give-a-sh** ness
the above rang some bells.
it was me at my graduating nite. me last summer saying endless ciao s to people i thought would just walk out of my life there and then
and here comes that special time of the year again
when i felt nostalgia tapping on my shoulder
making me turn round and look back on all the happy tears the deepest hugs the fear of letting go the almost-certain feeling that the happiest days are beyond us
at this point i cant help hiding the little giggle

awwww t'was such a little girl.

a friend once swore she would do everything to hold on to the simplest of days
and will do everything not to let the filth of growing up contaminate the purest of hearts
there and then she befriended nostalgia
me too got to spend a little more time with the n-word than i shd hv
and then i discovered the pain of living in the past
and the cowardice of fearing the stumbles and falls out there in the unknown.

quote the present is a gift for a reason quote.

and i have it written down all over my heart.
it gave me answers i need.
why give up the present to mourn over the dead grandmother the ex-bfs the mistakes the memories
when i have a frivolous life to live before me

....all this began when i start reminiscing about the fact that my freshman year will end in 2 days
and the downside is i'm celebrating it with critical thinking and contract finals due consecutively
i guess its obvious

sorry nostalgia. maybe another day.
chau

we'll only fall amongst the stars.

then i was bathing in the sunflower fragrance from kiehls shampoo and enjoying me morning showers
hoping that the warm oozing water can wash away the fatigue and guilt from staying up a little too late last night
(i pledged that i'll tuck meself under the covers NO LATER THAN 12. i DID. for one night?)
the morning music made me think: maybe i'll write about the music tdy
yeh. then i started to make an imaginery list of music i like in my head:
james blunt, this love, john mayer, sitting waiting wishing...no i cant forgive myself for leaving out cold play.. a little taylor swift will do too
and it kept going on..and on
until i realise its going nowhere and this little long list have to wait
theres something more interesting that i'd very much like to prioritize
so ciao to pop artists, make way for life.

you know all those cliche thought-of-the-day you see at starbucks everyday
u wont be surpised when u read, for the thousandth time:
"reach for the moon, you'll only fall amongst the stars"
i cant remember the last time i did something fearlessly
even the most amazing thing i did, going to uni interviews,telling my crush i liked him
all these i did with my heart shaking
i feared. what exactly?
i guess i fear the fall. the fear of not landing amongst the stars
but somewhere into the deep unknown
when you're fifteen, the only thing you fear is being told by someone you loved they dont feel the same for you
that your parents dont ]talk during dinner anymore
that your sister drunk called you and didn't come home until dawn
that you fail your finals
maybe i'm so young and nothing much get to go wrong in life
i fear "the first time"s

been there. done that. is all they say.
when days slip past you find fewer first times and more second, third, fourth..i-forgot-how-many times
and you start to feel fearless
u've fell. u've cried. u came to realise. u pick yourself up and walk back into life. wondering when your tears will come for a visit agen. wondering why things that used to break you no longer matter
you became fearless.
the week to come is hurling pressure at me like a bully watching a kid drown in fear
but this time you are not the bully. i am not anymore the kid.

ciao fear, cause we are meant to fall lightly amongst the stars
chau

reaching up for the babyblue the mashmallows and their sweet confused mind

the way home

why its you baby rolling into my way

and will do it fearlessly. as i promised.

t'wasnt about the the man in your life..but the life of your man

a chinese girl once blogged that her father is indifferent
at that moment i only read rebel amongst the angry letters
but i guess somehow girls like us
is destined to go thru this love-hate relationship
with THE MAN in your life

talking abt men.
it came across me mind an enthralling conversation i had with mum one day in landmark cafe
she told me men are egoistic animals. I couldn't concur more. I added their mind is born way less complex compared to us females. i tried to avoid the word "stupid"
but, tbh, no word better describe the male mind

till now i guess there are about 5 men who(unfortunately) stumbled across my life
3 memories i'd like to very much dispose of, 1 lingered for a little longer than t'was supposed to, and THE ONE who's always there and at times drove me insane.

like today. or a sec ago.
he's THE MAN who i idolize, who i swear never to become, yet i like so much
the words from him stabbed right thru me heart. like always.
tears are almost a-must side effect
but this time
i'm facing it squarely.
he'll understand my change someday.
and i have to learn,
to tug my tears away,
and smile because i cared.

for now, murmuring a silent ciao to the brittle girl
chau