練習，一個人

what does it take to make me learn to love?

how can i shed my tears silently 

how can i speak loudly to the people i love?

how can i stop myself from running?

how can i stay? in the trouble i made for myself? and own up to my own mistakes? my responsibilities?

i wil txt her and tell her i will learn to talk again

i will look him in the eye and tell him i will be better

i will wake up and smile to a new day, and thank the people who made it a better place :)

I want to run, into the past

cant sleep?

i kept going through what happened, the hurt i felt where the happiness was

the mistrust, the misrep, the misunderstanding

maybe this is all my dream

maybe i took all of this too serious

and made it my reality

even when it feels real today, tell me what you feel tomorrow

he said I am a fickle girl,

i dont see how he isn't

me to myself

him to everyone else

I told him I want to know him inside out, even the past he wanted so much to leave behind

I wonder if I really want to

I want to see

but I keep on forgetting

I only remember the happiness, swift

and the fear that is permanent

the fear of having to have everything taken away from you

I want to run

where to?

into his open arms

and tell him I wish

we loved.

Keep your heart hanging in gold

this morning,

I woke up to a madeon lineup. It really made me think, did I really care, but I smiled because I remember I did, and thats what really mattered

Sometimes I do wonder, whether the real life shattering moments in life, is worth for you to linger

some moments like when Maroon 5 is serenading " I won't go home without you" and the aftermath of an electiczoo linup in New York, when nothing beats having the time of your life at that moment on that night. Or simply when LeeHom sings his heart out 2 metres high above the ground, or even, when the ABT dances Romeo & Juliet away in front of your very eyes. 

What is there not to believe?

My mind leanrt to smile, briefly, and let whatever wants to catch its attention fall into the background, so that enjoyment is a skill to be achieved instead of an emotion to be triggered 

in time, you learn to take a piece of something away from dans le moment

something like a smile in the picture, the soundtrack of a summer, and maybe the touch of a skin

and then you learn to lock it somewhere in the softest part of your skin, and let it be 

until you find your way back to it someday, if you can

I took my words

so that without the images and sounds and feelings, it feels less real

whenever I decided to go back,

I can still imagine it to be as good as it can be

i kept the part of my mind, the youth, the impact. 

keep your heart hanging in gold. 

tears and rain

Maybe there are really some kind of people like us out there

who does not deserve the love

some chose to mask unhappiness with a smile

I wanted to believe in it, but I just cant

maybe being unhappy is just a state of mind

maybe my mind is too slow and small for a big world like this

if this is just the beginning of the hurt, then give me the armour to understand it all

maybe love is never a shield from the hurt 

i would like to think its a certain kind of space

the little free white space where you call it home and freedom

where you let the unhappiness roam, and the happiness reign

instead of waiting for the one who loves you in all your forms,

i need to learn to become one myself

so when there is a day 

when love becomes a need and less of a pleasure 

I can still call it home. 

look out of the window, where is the light?

i used to think its gonna be alright 

i used to think its gonna be better, the worst will be over before you know it 

but where did all this courage go?

maybe i spent it on the overpriced bags and shoes, or the overheated moments on fridays 

i thought love liberates, its just sorrowful and adds on the never ending list of worries

but maybe its better to be out in the jungle on your own

fight the fate until you are too tired to change whatever situation you got yourself into

why but did i let the people closest to me build my prison

today he told me he hated the place where he stayed, he said there are no bars on his window at home 

I told him, freedom comes at a price, and not one that a student can ever afford 

we smiled 

whoever told us knowledge liberates, are liars 

when time sets our mind free, its the world that makes our boundaries. 

then love the hurt, so it doesnt hurt no more

and love no one, until time decide not to wash our shadows away

she told me she wanted a room with windows 

we can't dream when we can't see the light 

don't you dare to shut that only window left in my world. 

 

effects of expression

it wasn't until i looked into his eyes that i realise

time really shows 

there were extra scars on his cheeks, the saggy skin under his once tough elbow, the little dandruffs that wasn't there ever before

I am only certain hes mine by the brand that was burnt on his left thigh. I did check. I am scared. 

Hes still that same young soul, frisky and unsettled by the smell of fresh carrots. 

I saw the same passion for the same thing. The unwillingness to yield, never a shameful or sorrowful glance

After devouring his orange prizes, he'll show his impatience. I wonder if he ever tried breaking out of his cell. 

He never look you in the eye when he know its time to say goodbye. He gave me and my sister a huge blow, or a snort. As if, simply, "girls".  

When I turned back, attempting to explain my guilt for not having been around, I found him gazing into the distance.

Why, when all is said and done. We tried not to look back. 

I heard him calling from his heart. 

the three musketeers

Today I talked to two respectable men

both of them have the most splendid smile I've ever seen,

one told me (smiling), his feet used to be less swollen then before, now he could not eat anything sweet

the other told me (smiling), he stopped thinking about his dream. He is happy with what he have, achieved and lacked.

I smiled, only because they did.

I hope I can be surrounded with people like these

young at heart, wise in the head, kind to look at.


I always believed you can only own something by working towards it.

The third man I met today told me, that primitive women are accustomed to collect fruits in the summer, for the sake of preparing for winter.

He said we are all flintstones at heart.

I winced at the thought, that time did not help us heal, but just made us more aware of the primitiveness within,

the difference between now and then,

the extra need of deception.

but have you ever experiemented with yourself

that no matter deliberate or not,

you are either deceiving or being deceived

so why not be your own Laika


It had been a hard 3 years,

but I believe I can walk out of it fast enough

before I get too weak to leave.