the three musketeers

Today I talked to two respectable men

both of them have the most splendid smile I've ever seen,

one told me (smiling), his feet used to be less swollen then before, now he could not eat anything sweet

the other told me (smiling), he stopped thinking about his dream. He is happy with what he have, achieved and lacked.

I smiled, only because they did.

I hope I can be surrounded with people like these

young at heart, wise in the head, kind to look at.


I always believed you can only own something by working towards it.

The third man I met today told me, that primitive women are accustomed to collect fruits in the summer, for the sake of preparing for winter.

He said we are all flintstones at heart.

I winced at the thought, that time did not help us heal, but just made us more aware of the primitiveness within,

the difference between now and then,

the extra need of deception.

but have you ever experiemented with yourself

that no matter deliberate or not,

you are either deceiving or being deceived

so why not be your own Laika


It had been a hard 3 years,

but I believe I can walk out of it fast enough

before I get too weak to leave.

If I want to hold on, I need something to hold on to.

I still remember,

She asked, “ring or a coat?”

by whom?

A he?

Then coat. Never let the ring possess you, or worse, a person.

The coat, well, it has its intrinsic function where a ring does not possess

You can dress it up with a fur, dress it down with some jeans, undress it and still won't be stripped bare

Why there are things I’d rather not touch,

Better to watch and admire from a distance

When a ring fell, they count the coats in your closet.

When the coat falls, you feel lighter, as if you’ve shed the impeccable layer of nonsense

Don’t give me a promise, give me your warmth.

Something to hold onto

don't wait for yesterday to come around.

don't feel incompetent. - glass editor

I felt good, and ashamed. Why but if there is one word that could summarize my 3 years at uni,

it is the failure to embrace competence. an invisible standard built out of expectations.

its like trying to reach for what you should be, and falling uncontrollably into the abyss because, in fact, you are too incompetent to be yourself.

So I tried to search for another standard, and another and another.

everyday I felt worse, pained because of confusion; felt estranged because people who love me don't know the new me.

So I claimed to be the new nomad, with the wrong of labelling the path of growth a prolonged mistake

we danced and laughed like there is no tomorrow,

and still wished for a better tomorrow

until I know with this logic in head, I would most probably fail the 101 course on critical thinking


after dark, I have fallen many many times into my bear chair

wishing for a hug that could save me from the numbness,

the bear with no face.

We were first numbered, then named, then weighed and finally packed to be delivered.


howard said quarantine.

I said feel safe because you are tinted

believe that it cannot be the same,

but better.

when it is not hearsay, can evidence doubt love?

sniff
and i keep on telling myself its worth it

but sometimes I can't help but think I've found the wrong focus.
then I wish I can just flutter here and there like a butterfly
land a little too softly so I can always fly away when things go a little worse than expected

today I acted grown up.
for once no anger swell up inside.
I've let go.

I once was so very frantic that all could just go down from here
all the love, all the warmth, the faith, a mere feel good factor that feeds me throughout the days
and then I was left with no map, no guide, stranded and estranged.
I tried to hold on to anything, anyone, just something to keep me sane.


I found my marie, my bear chair and some lane crawfords and hmvs.

Until a lanecrawford decided to close down, an hmv decided to leave. I realise its not right to just try to hold on to things, let alone some people, some warmth, some mortar and bricks.

tangible not, one cannot live in the past. I decided to take a leap into the future

alone.


Then I found love,
when I decided the world is made up of individuals.
I thought, two can be a guardian of some kind of life.

Then I found myself coming back to this space, trying to find something else.
I used to be so excited about the unknown
until I feel safe only when the light goes out.

When one saw too much
one just want to breathe.


so I took a deep breath,
and flipped open the first page of the documents.

P.S no matter what, they had given us the love we deserve.
let us not doubt some fact as obvious as love.

make it belong

i realise

it is not how long you held onto something that made it your own

it is how much of youself you place into that string of life called time

to be able to make it your own.

I used to be afraid to see more

Given the Rashomon effect, it doesn't matter how much information you have

it is just down to you and me.

I don't believe I can still locate my heart when hearsay pulled me into all directions

so I believe in the story you told

and take it as our love story.

I used to want everything to belong

familiarity is my safehouse.

I cannot bear the thought of sharing

especially something I used tears and time to let grow.

But why, things are never the way you want them to be.


if lessons are learnt with less impact than before, please take it as a blessing.

I will try to strengthen myself with better morals

and savor the hurt for later.

be a warrior of love

I started writing out of pain

this is nothing but a product of a self-remedified antidote

until today

it is a place for self-teaching

of bliss :)

have you ever loved deeply enough

so much that you feel like words no longer expresses themselves (excuse moi from a blogger)

so you reach out to everything he love

and try to love them as well

so that you can understand how he lived his life

before you came along.

Someone used to ask what I will do when I realise i fell in love

i said without hesitation

"listen to his music, hear his mind"

understanding, i thought is a bridge, between human alienation.

pardon the years, the gaps, the immoralities.

i thought if one loved enough, one day these realistic spaces will melt like vanilla icecream on warm apple pie

but i forgot something essential

that even if i become vanilla icecream, he is still in another medium.

Love is bilateral.


until I met him

he is not apple pie, but cookies and cream

i remember the first time we had icecream.

I decide to pass, "it is too sweet"

he said "never fear. you only live once"

Im still skeptical until i realise,

even if i am in denial of myself, i am still icecream in nature.

its ok to melt, once in a while.

so you can make life taste different, live it differently.


so long for being vulnerable

if fear for hurt is the reason for denying love

then how can i proudly claim i deserve it without scars at the back of my mind

be a warrior of love

thats the most I can do.



I hope one day when the candle flame flickers in the dark winding road ahead

some morning ray will show me the light


I love you.

make me fearless

10 min ago, i almost decide to abandon my baby

why should a rational grown up hide in this little space and try to sing her heart out

until i told someone important, someone very important

i miss him.

i almost felt a tear on my sleeve.

sometimes, one cannot run away from some real feelings.

even if you try to make yourself fearless

feelings are not a synonym of fear

today i talked to an old friend

about racism, choice and love.

he is proud of all the things he didnt believe in.

i was proud that I didn't believe a single thing he said.

why but if you just fall a little deeper, look a little further

you are not losing it but on the course of finding something.

today i found the reason to believe in love.

because someone told me its fine to get hurt and make mistakes

please just dont give up

just because you feared, never fear for love.