ciao

i've decided there's no "the end".

it sounds sad

and sad is the last thing we need on this chilly morning

lets just say

thanks for being around this year

you know who you are

and before u start wondering if this year meant anything

it meant something. you meant something -

to a little girl like me.


p.s. off you go, and fuck the rest. today is yours to wrong.

...you ate all the fruits in my fridge

on the second last day of 2010 i came across a familiar pictorial titled
"plums in the icebox" -Dossier Magazine

it made me remember a dream sometime some months ago

about a he eating all the fruits in my fridge



its more than just food.

credits to dossier magazine#4 (NSFW)

don't grow up. its overated

and while i was roaming alone
some familiar feelings hit me like the tides of shoulders on the crowded streets
they come and go, knock me over and again from different directions
the past the now, the year ago, the years before
i hesitated. before decided to step into my past. (or really, the people who defined it)
too scared? a coward to face the fact
that i used to lead a much happier, much fuller, much me-er life than the one i'm leading now
too tired? to smile like i used to without feeling i tried (and failed)
saw some familiar faces that looked a little too unfamiliar, some new faces that felt old
some hurtful memories that seem to hurt less
met him and it felt like nothing ever happened the tears never fell the smiles never stayed
so it was all hows-college



some girl told me
the luxury to dream died with the two years of paradise
now rationality is the new hype. bye boyfriend bye parents-hating bye i'll love you no matter (as long as skype exists)
hi career hi competition hi friends for benefit
because we left the land of dreams and ran towards the blinding lights like
moths attracted to the sugarcoated glamour
and though it left us
burnt ruined bruised teary bleeding
it opened another hole in our teeny brains
a new inception that life is to be lived, dreams are to be left for the night


so now i sleep
more than i ever did
thats the only time
when i can retreat to the dreams

p.s. some weliveyoung said 'don't grow up. its overated'
i wish.
i could.

i'm just a girl with a fragile heart

it took me back
when i saw the music attached
it brought too much tears
when i let the song play

i spent so much time
learning trying forcing
not to let the feelings surface

and it just took two lines of a song
to break my heart
again

its so unfair


i'm just a girl with a fragile heart afterall

never stop this train

to make the long story short
(or rather, to visualize the impossible train of memories)
it had been a 30 min ride with 5 stops
5 different stages of the story of us:
summer paris london court trials midterms christmas
whoa. if it could only be 5 stops
then i'd wish upon a falling star
that john mayer's right
when he said
stop this train.

maybe its the melodic breathing of the maldivian sea
or the array of champagne supernova
or just something along the lines of understanding and compromising
the pain of soul searching soothed like the fading footsteps on the shore
where the blue and the beige kissed and retreat

or maybe its the moonlight (better, the spotlight)
the silver moonpath the flight of glistening stairs that descended from the dark satin to the rippled navy
or the little specks of smiling eyes the brightest one in the north the little red ruby or the three-in-a-row
even when the little island of paradise faded into the drape of night together with the frameless memories
i recall no pain
but serenity

she asked me if i'd feel sad
if some other she took his hand and his heart
i said when a girl got to the other end of sitting wishing waiting
she'll grow

it took me a few more stops than a normal girl'd take
to get to where i am now
in the end
nothing brings more bliss
than unwrapping the boxes labelled "dear sister, with love" under the dancing pine tree seeing the child-like smiles on their faces wondering if my brother actually murmured a little thankyou

no matter how many times the desperation misunderstanding suffocation brought tears and aching hearts
these are the ones worth hurting for
you'll always know, ab initio,
the antidote's the understanding within

because others are just stops on the ride
stations you don't have to bother getting off for
watch feel and learn
and let the rest speed by and the rest of the rest speed past and stay where they belong

last christmas
i gave him my heart
and took it back

this christmas
i gave them my heart
and they cured mine

merry (belated) christmas

so THIS is love

the belated christmas cold finally kicked in, my heart though, was numb and hollow.
this morning i found myself waking up with bb between my fingers, only to realise i fell victim to the anger that came from the fatigue, fell asleep thinking of the right words to match the right feelings.

today, while the wind whipped our faces and hair blurred our vision, my bitch confirmed the doctrine of indoctrination.

"when you tell yourself you don't care, i don't care, why the hell should i care when he doesn't care anymore at all, ever?" "...then your will will transform the belief into reality"

"and in the end, you don't give a shit. "

yes i can finally literally say it like i mean it. whole-heartedly. but the sad part of the realisation? its not a remedy, but a lie. to disguise whats always crystal-clear inside

when two person are in denial, and the world doesn't give a shit to the truth since the day of its birth, no one will.

and wut are we searching for when we alleged proudly that our mission is to be true to our feelings?

because my feelings told me i cared so much i can fall asleep and still dream about him. like its not possible for the thought to leave my soul only to be drowned out occasionally by loud music.

don't worry. i am accustomed to the hurt.



p.s. while billy re-told her hurt and the indoctrination of "i don't care anymore" began,
i heard the invisible tears. and all i could do is hold her hand. i remember its the same thing we did 3 months ago. but we were so young and happy then. its just 3 months ago.

we once said, well albeit, this is love.

now? after all the hurt, the lies, the deception and finally, the realisation.

oh-well,

THIS is love.

if curiosity is my temptation, then guilt is my motivation

usually, sex and the city makes me find my light-hearted laughters again on a very cold day like this.

today's episode though, is a little heavier than the rest. but its is there where i found my answers.

maybe carrie's right when she asked "is it dangerous to open your heart?"

what if my hurt failed to attract a siren-call, who's gona be my superman tnite?

they say a heart is deliberately constructed to work like valves, they open and close periodically.

i guess the solution is: to grasp the right moment when he opens his heart again

i know now that its really a matter of timing and timing and luck. we'll just have to wait for the time when both hearts decide to take a leap.

right now, though, is not that moment.


p.s. sometimes tears are just a tangible emotion that summarizes up the rest. so when we cry, please spare us the whys. and when we don't, don't question our smile.