never too much love

if i am too tiny to embrace your sorrows

let my eyes hug your soul

this christmas we filled it with smiles and laughter

but why even if thoughts are stubborn time is short

let me not be greedy, but shelter all the good

memories are chosen, life is to learn

so i learn to remember what he said to me

"theres never too much love"

forget me not

Maybe I kept myself really busy with life

So I can stop thinking about the things that pierce my heart

Who doesn't get hurt anyways

Who does the earth stop spinning for

Until I tried to draw the bear

The talks about how I didn’t care

I realize I took it a little too far

A little too seriously

And it killed us

Just because you cared too much

And now,

He stayed the same, I changed my lifestyle

I need to be safe and sound

But you are walking above the ground

When someday we can both find a new personality

So that the love doesn’t get lost in translation

We can fall back into the stars

And try 

Can you hear me?

i was singing until i realise i had to lower down to a whisper

because he always said I was too loud

then I realise again

that he probably couldn't really hear me at all now

maybe he would have wanted me to shout

but I decide to sing

I hope

If I sing beautifully enough

it would soften his worn out heart




p.s. today I asked my brother what his favourite colour is, he said it's red.

       I hope he doesn't hurt too many hearts when he grow up

I am wonderstuck to have met you

we walked, we stopped, its closed

he looked sad, i tried to make him smile, he is determined to find his own way

we started to walk again, i told him silently that i don't care where we were when i'm with him

we stopped, in front of a familiar place

we sat, down and I saw the old me

with the old him on the other side of the table 

it felt like yesterday

when nothing but him matters the world to me

and now we are sitting here on the other side

he told me that the beef yakitori taste like heaven

I smiled

I wish I can let him know

how glad I was on the other side with him 

when I started to explain, the memories that hurt

he started to laugh, and told me about the pork neck salad he had at home

which is way worse than the pork neck asparagus yakitori we had 

I wanted him to let me know

how much love it takes 

to make a wounded girl smile 

as if yesterday did not happen 

thankyou

I am always here, where your heart lies

i met a man

who told me things i dont know 

and things i wanted to find out 

he made me reconsider, when it took me 3 years to learn to stop where the mind starts to wander 

he made me feel safe 

to believe that it can be better 

and that there are always more than one route that leads to the same goal 

sometimes I wish I can wipe the tiredness from his eyes 

what has he seen that I haven't?

how can he believe in what I don't? 

he loved me in a way that made me stronger

I learned to walk home in the dark, fearless

because he is the only one who took me home 

made me feel safe and sound 

he made me smile to myself at times when I am awake 

he made me feel that there is more to each day, than just longing for a better tomorrow

I wanted to let him know 

I couldn't let go 

he said he can forget the pain of work when he enjoys our presence

I hope I can make his world better 

with love 

練習，一個人

what does it take to make me learn to love?

how can i shed my tears silently 

how can i speak loudly to the people i love?

how can i stop myself from running?

how can i stay? in the trouble i made for myself? and own up to my own mistakes? my responsibilities?

i wil txt her and tell her i will learn to talk again

i will look him in the eye and tell him i will be better

i will wake up and smile to a new day, and thank the people who made it a better place :)

I want to run, into the past

cant sleep?

i kept going through what happened, the hurt i felt where the happiness was

the mistrust, the misrep, the misunderstanding

maybe this is all my dream

maybe i took all of this too serious

and made it my reality

even when it feels real today, tell me what you feel tomorrow

he said I am a fickle girl,

i dont see how he isn't

me to myself

him to everyone else

I told him I want to know him inside out, even the past he wanted so much to leave behind

I wonder if I really want to

I want to see

but I keep on forgetting

I only remember the happiness, swift

and the fear that is permanent

the fear of having to have everything taken away from you

I want to run

where to?

into his open arms

and tell him I wish

we loved.

Keep your heart hanging in gold

this morning,

I woke up to a madeon lineup. It really made me think, did I really care, but I smiled because I remember I did, and thats what really mattered

Sometimes I do wonder, whether the real life shattering moments in life, is worth for you to linger

some moments like when Maroon 5 is serenading " I won't go home without you" and the aftermath of an electiczoo linup in New York, when nothing beats having the time of your life at that moment on that night. Or simply when LeeHom sings his heart out 2 metres high above the ground, or even, when the ABT dances Romeo & Juliet away in front of your very eyes. 

What is there not to believe?

My mind leanrt to smile, briefly, and let whatever wants to catch its attention fall into the background, so that enjoyment is a skill to be achieved instead of an emotion to be triggered 

in time, you learn to take a piece of something away from dans le moment

something like a smile in the picture, the soundtrack of a summer, and maybe the touch of a skin

and then you learn to lock it somewhere in the softest part of your skin, and let it be 

until you find your way back to it someday, if you can

I took my words

so that without the images and sounds and feelings, it feels less real

whenever I decided to go back,

I can still imagine it to be as good as it can be

i kept the part of my mind, the youth, the impact. 

keep your heart hanging in gold. 

tears and rain

Maybe there are really some kind of people like us out there

who does not deserve the love

some chose to mask unhappiness with a smile

I wanted to believe in it, but I just cant

maybe being unhappy is just a state of mind

maybe my mind is too slow and small for a big world like this

if this is just the beginning of the hurt, then give me the armour to understand it all

maybe love is never a shield from the hurt 

i would like to think its a certain kind of space

the little free white space where you call it home and freedom

where you let the unhappiness roam, and the happiness reign

instead of waiting for the one who loves you in all your forms,

i need to learn to become one myself

so when there is a day 

when love becomes a need and less of a pleasure 

I can still call it home. 

look out of the window, where is the light?

i used to think its gonna be alright 

i used to think its gonna be better, the worst will be over before you know it 

but where did all this courage go?

maybe i spent it on the overpriced bags and shoes, or the overheated moments on fridays 

i thought love liberates, its just sorrowful and adds on the never ending list of worries

but maybe its better to be out in the jungle on your own

fight the fate until you are too tired to change whatever situation you got yourself into

why but did i let the people closest to me build my prison

today he told me he hated the place where he stayed, he said there are no bars on his window at home 

I told him, freedom comes at a price, and not one that a student can ever afford 

we smiled 

whoever told us knowledge liberates, are liars 

when time sets our mind free, its the world that makes our boundaries. 

then love the hurt, so it doesnt hurt no more

and love no one, until time decide not to wash our shadows away

she told me she wanted a room with windows 

we can't dream when we can't see the light 

don't you dare to shut that only window left in my world. 

 

effects of expression

it wasn't until i looked into his eyes that i realise

time really shows 

there were extra scars on his cheeks, the saggy skin under his once tough elbow, the little dandruffs that wasn't there ever before

I am only certain hes mine by the brand that was burnt on his left thigh. I did check. I am scared. 

Hes still that same young soul, frisky and unsettled by the smell of fresh carrots. 

I saw the same passion for the same thing. The unwillingness to yield, never a shameful or sorrowful glance

After devouring his orange prizes, he'll show his impatience. I wonder if he ever tried breaking out of his cell. 

He never look you in the eye when he know its time to say goodbye. He gave me and my sister a huge blow, or a snort. As if, simply, "girls".  

When I turned back, attempting to explain my guilt for not having been around, I found him gazing into the distance.

Why, when all is said and done. We tried not to look back. 

I heard him calling from his heart. 

the three musketeers

Today I talked to two respectable men

both of them have the most splendid smile I've ever seen,

one told me (smiling), his feet used to be less swollen then before, now he could not eat anything sweet

the other told me (smiling), he stopped thinking about his dream. He is happy with what he have, achieved and lacked.

I smiled, only because they did.

I hope I can be surrounded with people like these

young at heart, wise in the head, kind to look at.


I always believed you can only own something by working towards it.

The third man I met today told me, that primitive women are accustomed to collect fruits in the summer, for the sake of preparing for winter.

He said we are all flintstones at heart.

I winced at the thought, that time did not help us heal, but just made us more aware of the primitiveness within,

the difference between now and then,

the extra need of deception.

but have you ever experiemented with yourself

that no matter deliberate or not,

you are either deceiving or being deceived

so why not be your own Laika


It had been a hard 3 years,

but I believe I can walk out of it fast enough

before I get too weak to leave.

If I want to hold on, I need something to hold on to.

I still remember,

She asked, “ring or a coat?”

by whom?

A he?

Then coat. Never let the ring possess you, or worse, a person.

The coat, well, it has its intrinsic function where a ring does not possess

You can dress it up with a fur, dress it down with some jeans, undress it and still won't be stripped bare

Why there are things I’d rather not touch,

Better to watch and admire from a distance

When a ring fell, they count the coats in your closet.

When the coat falls, you feel lighter, as if you’ve shed the impeccable layer of nonsense

Don’t give me a promise, give me your warmth.

Something to hold onto

don't wait for yesterday to come around.

don't feel incompetent. - glass editor

I felt good, and ashamed. Why but if there is one word that could summarize my 3 years at uni,

it is the failure to embrace competence. an invisible standard built out of expectations.

its like trying to reach for what you should be, and falling uncontrollably into the abyss because, in fact, you are too incompetent to be yourself.

So I tried to search for another standard, and another and another.

everyday I felt worse, pained because of confusion; felt estranged because people who love me don't know the new me.

So I claimed to be the new nomad, with the wrong of labelling the path of growth a prolonged mistake

we danced and laughed like there is no tomorrow,

and still wished for a better tomorrow

until I know with this logic in head, I would most probably fail the 101 course on critical thinking


after dark, I have fallen many many times into my bear chair

wishing for a hug that could save me from the numbness,

the bear with no face.

We were first numbered, then named, then weighed and finally packed to be delivered.


howard said quarantine.

I said feel safe because you are tinted

believe that it cannot be the same,

but better.

when it is not hearsay, can evidence doubt love?

sniff
and i keep on telling myself its worth it

but sometimes I can't help but think I've found the wrong focus.
then I wish I can just flutter here and there like a butterfly
land a little too softly so I can always fly away when things go a little worse than expected

today I acted grown up.
for once no anger swell up inside.
I've let go.

I once was so very frantic that all could just go down from here
all the love, all the warmth, the faith, a mere feel good factor that feeds me throughout the days
and then I was left with no map, no guide, stranded and estranged.
I tried to hold on to anything, anyone, just something to keep me sane.


I found my marie, my bear chair and some lane crawfords and hmvs.

Until a lanecrawford decided to close down, an hmv decided to leave. I realise its not right to just try to hold on to things, let alone some people, some warmth, some mortar and bricks.

tangible not, one cannot live in the past. I decided to take a leap into the future

alone.


Then I found love,
when I decided the world is made up of individuals.
I thought, two can be a guardian of some kind of life.

Then I found myself coming back to this space, trying to find something else.
I used to be so excited about the unknown
until I feel safe only when the light goes out.

When one saw too much
one just want to breathe.


so I took a deep breath,
and flipped open the first page of the documents.

P.S no matter what, they had given us the love we deserve.
let us not doubt some fact as obvious as love.

make it belong

i realise

it is not how long you held onto something that made it your own

it is how much of youself you place into that string of life called time

to be able to make it your own.

I used to be afraid to see more

Given the Rashomon effect, it doesn't matter how much information you have

it is just down to you and me.

I don't believe I can still locate my heart when hearsay pulled me into all directions

so I believe in the story you told

and take it as our love story.

I used to want everything to belong

familiarity is my safehouse.

I cannot bear the thought of sharing

especially something I used tears and time to let grow.

But why, things are never the way you want them to be.


if lessons are learnt with less impact than before, please take it as a blessing.

I will try to strengthen myself with better morals

and savor the hurt for later.

be a warrior of love

I started writing out of pain

this is nothing but a product of a self-remedified antidote

until today

it is a place for self-teaching

of bliss :)

have you ever loved deeply enough

so much that you feel like words no longer expresses themselves (excuse moi from a blogger)

so you reach out to everything he love

and try to love them as well

so that you can understand how he lived his life

before you came along.

Someone used to ask what I will do when I realise i fell in love

i said without hesitation

"listen to his music, hear his mind"

understanding, i thought is a bridge, between human alienation.

pardon the years, the gaps, the immoralities.

i thought if one loved enough, one day these realistic spaces will melt like vanilla icecream on warm apple pie

but i forgot something essential

that even if i become vanilla icecream, he is still in another medium.

Love is bilateral.


until I met him

he is not apple pie, but cookies and cream

i remember the first time we had icecream.

I decide to pass, "it is too sweet"

he said "never fear. you only live once"

Im still skeptical until i realise,

even if i am in denial of myself, i am still icecream in nature.

its ok to melt, once in a while.

so you can make life taste different, live it differently.


so long for being vulnerable

if fear for hurt is the reason for denying love

then how can i proudly claim i deserve it without scars at the back of my mind

be a warrior of love

thats the most I can do.



I hope one day when the candle flame flickers in the dark winding road ahead

some morning ray will show me the light


I love you.

make me fearless

10 min ago, i almost decide to abandon my baby

why should a rational grown up hide in this little space and try to sing her heart out

until i told someone important, someone very important

i miss him.

i almost felt a tear on my sleeve.

sometimes, one cannot run away from some real feelings.

even if you try to make yourself fearless

feelings are not a synonym of fear

today i talked to an old friend

about racism, choice and love.

he is proud of all the things he didnt believe in.

i was proud that I didn't believe a single thing he said.

why but if you just fall a little deeper, look a little further

you are not losing it but on the course of finding something.

today i found the reason to believe in love.

because someone told me its fine to get hurt and make mistakes

please just dont give up

just because you feared, never fear for love.

小心翼翼

all this time, i've learnt to be careful. 

all this time, i was told to care less. 

it wasn't to be or not to be 

but to choose and not to indulge 

not to indulge in merely the good, but to learn to adapt at the worst 

not to shed your inner compass but to embrace your emotions with your rational thinking

to produce a "civilized" choice

and pursue it by running as fast as you can. 

if only it can be that simple,

all being said, it is just a very valid excuse not to abide by overdue deadlines. 

excuse moi 

it has been good. 

dont be afraid of better 

time can be manipulated by love 

please be mine forever. 

something called love

when did it become like this?

i once proudly wrote. I will try my best for a better tomorrow. even if I'm so thoroughly hurt I won't be able to feel anymore

sometimes things like that should not sound so certain.

what should one do when they stopped letting themselves feel

when feeling is always the one and only thing I'm certain of

why is it hurting when no one is hurting

why did I stop believing when there is something to believe in again?


why am I doing this to myself?

she said " it feels weird if everything felt too right"

why did I let her words dictate my life

I wish and wish and wish I could believe in what he said

i knew it is not easy for him to do this too

when I love you meant no more than 3 words and 8 letters

how can I tell you what is love.

I wrote Daisy a letter.

He once asked me

What was one supposed to do when you were interested in another person

I didn’t think,

“understand him”

“love what he loves, listen to what he listens to, see the world from his eyes”

he didn’t comment, but in my vague memory he said

“it's a pity you cannot own the person you love”

Today I rewatched The Great Gatsby

I wrote Daisy a letter three years ago.

Titled: “ a letter from Jay Gatsby” venue: Gatsby’s poolside before he was shot

I wonder what I’ve written.

I was amazed at how differently the same movie spelt itself out

This time, I am mesmerized with Mia Farrow’s hats and hats and hats.

I no longer cared too much about the missing subtitles or the lines that appeared in the book and never got to the screen

I was amazed, like moths attracted to the light, no more

I secretly admired Nick Carraway, being an important nobody who always get to see the entire of Gatsby’s house

The green light. Though, still caught my eye

The villains of love, and who are they?

Its just a movie

It’s just love. 

Do you want to know me? I'll show you what you want to see

it is rare for me to have decided on the title of the post before filling in its content

I developed a habit not to label anything, including a post as minute and unimportant as this

the issue of the day:

to what/whom/where am i accountable

I used to take bliss in being a little of everything

like the butterfly that flew here and there

enjoying the feeling of having made an impression.

and let everybody remember the lightest, fearless part of me.

I don't want to make them jealous, no

just to make them believe

that something as light as a feather does exist

that although the world is much deeper than the one before our eyes

its a blessing just to flutter around and have fun

it was working

until accountability sets in my reality

the need for integrity

the need for predictablity

the need for safety

I felt the most vulnerable when falling into a routine

I felt that it is for people who doesn't want to think.

routine was once my safehouse,

I thought drawing a line and keeping myself within its borders will bring me a long way

until the mind starts to crave. for things i have never yet imagined

how can i change my lifestyle to suit my needs.

i was messed up when I fell out the lines

I looked around, the world is space.

much more unpredictable than I could have ever imagined.

is predictability the necessary component of safety?

my instinct told me it isn't

but my rational mind gave me an answer:

knowledge is safety

predictability, in subjective terms, is a means

I hope I get it across good enough.


for now, it means

more reading for the night.


p.s. the name of the post was meant to be accountablity. I will never again name my post before I write.

my little girl

"you are so rational"

i guess when times like finals are just a week away, it is but a sin not to at least unleash the most rational side of yourself to combat all the desires and temptations

i didn't know a weekend can leave a person so emotionally drained. or more correctly put, a dinner.

she's nice, sweet, pretty. got the most innocent smile. the biggest heart.

they meet on the street.

I felt she was the me I would have been if I hadn't allowed my eyes to see so much

I brought her to my room, showed her things I would never have let a person in her position to see.

like my chanel nailpolish collection. and the fact that I feel ashamed for having bought them all but could never use.

I think I need some friends.


Then I came across another song today,

wanted to tell him so much about. I just knew he would have heard.

but hesitated since I felt the boundaries I need to construct to make thing straight.

but then I did, he heard.

just like that.

we don't need to share

he don't need me to care.

Then the little girl who cares too much need to move on

and be someone more rational

so that she will not grab some innocent boy's heart

and make it her own.

The come back kid.

yesterday, I watched an old movie.

great cast, simple plot, deep.

I have no memory of the circumstances in which the movie was introduced to me, but I chose to watch it again on the day when one of the most important persons in my life bid me a swift farewell in search of her dreams.

I tried my tears, none respond.

I used to think, its such tragic beauty to be real-life cinderella. Working for every bit of one's future.

But I was blind to the hurt. physical and psychological.

I did not notice the signs our body displayed. the warnings of nature.

I let my mind rein my body, and left my soul scarred and weak.

I thought I could endure the pain.

Yes, but only the painful effort towards a meaningful goal. Not the pain of reality. the unnecessary shame which arouse from excessive determination.

Time taught me, to make good use of tools. including ourselves, the little cucumber inside our head.

sometimes, being in a place is a choice, but its a well-thought out one.

co-incidences are consequences of wilful blindness.

Helen Keller said, cripple one of your senses, and the others grow stronger.

I don't want it to be my eyes.

I like rabbits, and horses, and anything that don't make unnecessary sounds.

I am a sheep.



From today, I will try to control through understanding, choose with a utilitarian egoist attitude.

I have made good use of the time I wasted.

Maybe now is the start of some real challenge.

God, wish me well.

teach, don't indoctrine. inspire, and learn

they say, if you can't convince, confuse

I say, if you can't convince, inspire.

the only form of authenticity, is inspiration.

I cannot convince you to attend to my values

the reason why philosophers went crazy, they are stupid enough to try to claim to be prophets.

but little lou wants to tell them,

we don't need prophets

we need teachers.

the transformation to become invincible

this time, i found myself drained in a middle of nowhere

I think the sadness comes from

the silent reason of shame.

the moment he picked up my brother's hand and forced him to sign on that wall.

I can't believe I am putting my father down right in front of someone he hated

I can't believe he is hating his daughter for becoming who he wanted to be

I can't believe I am becoming more and more like him

without being in control.

can I change my own destiny?

I found the answer in between tears and desperation.

yes. the catalyst is desperation.

the answer is,

please don't be ashamed of your love.

even if others label it as immaturity and rudeness

I have no reason to be shamed of myself

to hide because I am not ready.

I am waiting for the you to accept me for who I am.

not matter who I was am or will be.

I acted, I saw my mother's difference.

she is not ashamed of my madness like my own father.

she is afraid.

she does not want to remember

the vulnerable memories she tried to hide.

why is everyone hiding everything so hard??

maybe I will find the answer soon, but I have decided

that sometimes, empathy is enough pain. sympathy is a sword.

that sometimes, only being proud of youself per moment

is the answer to happiness.

and that pride

is something

other than knowledge

that is building up my confidence.

the key to the huge question of growing up.

one day, I will let my children know,

I will differ from my dad

I will learn to put down my self interest

invest in the interest of the future of my family, my kids,

the difference btw a man and a woman

is the realization,

that one day, we all need a family to house our own values

so they can learn to defend themselves

against the evils of the world

even mother started saying, she wish she bore no kids

I am tired of us underdogs.

I am transforming,

so that one day I can hurt myself enough,

to learn to become invincible.

my dear kid in the future,

I hope you will understand my love someday.